Bruce Wagner - I'll Let You Go

“I met some friends when I went AWOL from Mac — MacLaren. They were really rich. I met Boulder Langon, the actress.”

“I see. And how is school for you?”

“Fine.”

“Have you made many friends?”

She nodded.

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

She shrugged.

“Is that a yes?”

“Sort of.”

“Does he go to your school?”

“He goes in Santa Monica.”

“You like him.”

She nodded. “He stopped e-mailing me.”

“He did?”

“A week ago — but I think his mom probably made him. He’s one of the friends I had when I went AWOL. She probably thinks I’m bad. They are so rich.”

Marcus heard Lani’s words in his head, then felt the crushing onslaught of unseen forces. “Amaryllis, there’s something I want to tell you.”

She turned to him, unnerved; she thought he might confess to the murder of her mother after all. “About what.”

“There was a boy called Edward … you knew him, no? He was a friend of Toulouse, the one you speak of.”

“Did my — did Lani tell you?” she asked, readying herself to be angry with the woman for having betrayed details of her private life.

“Edward wore a brace and colorful scarves …”

“Edward and Lucy: the cousins!” she said excitedly. “And Lucy’s writing a book—”

“Yes. Well, you see, Amaryllis — it’s just that Edward died last week. And that’s why Toulouse hasn’t written you.”

“Died? But how?”

“He’d been sick most his life, as you know. You remember what a hard time he had just getting—”

“Oh! Oh!”

Amaryllis fidgeted, scanning the horizon as if for an exit so that she could go AWOL from the world. He steadied her, softly placing a paw on her forearm.

He poured everything out, hoping she might grasp it. She made him repeat a few things, and when it seemed she finally understood — or had at least absorbed the fact of his blood connection to Toulouse — well, it was simply too much.

“Oh, Topsy,” she murmured, clinging to him as she used to — he had worried things would never be the same between them. She stroked the stubble of his cheeks as if trying to summon back the beard. “Topsy …”

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a Baggie with a treat baked especially for her. Like in old encampment days, the child’s nail-bitten fingers dug greedily into the foggy, nectar’d sack; and after a while her crying ceased and her breathing became measured as she spooned all manna of crumbs to her mouth.

†It would not be fair to pause in our narrative in order to give a lecture on the miraculous and recuperative powers of the human spirit or the unknowable chemical capabilities of the brain. Suffice to say that while Bluey began to shed memory as a feverish person would her clothes, the son-in-law eagerly, and with a growing sense of adventure, gathered up whichever of his own discarded garments could be found.

[Note: for the sake of fluency, the author has taken the liberty to correct certain errors of typography and usage, of which there were a goodly amount; and begs the reader’s indulgence. If the girl at times seems precocious in expression, it can be reminded that she was a seasoned reader of newspapers and magazines, and also possessed a natural abundance of expressive gifts.]

From: “Amaryllis”

To: “Toulouse Trotter”

Subject: No Subject

dearest toulouse, it has taken many hours to put these thoughts to paper — i have only recently heard of your most terrible tragedy. i have learned everything (please forgive my “abominable” typing — I am sorry but i don’t yet know how to use the spell-check). what a wonderful boy he was! if you do not wish to write back it will be ok. i know you must be suffering so. i’m sorry i didn’t write you during the week but was playing a stupid game, waiting for you to write ME first. i DO know everything now — even that my oldest and dearest friend topsy is your father (!). he is such a good man and saved my live! and the babies too, i think. you are blessed even if it seems that god has done something so unfair by taking dearest edward away. he is with the angels now, and should be a saint if john paul has anything to say about it. PLEASE write soon and again, i am sorry for being “petulant.” love, amaryllis

ps my love to pull-man

From: “Toulouse Trotter”

To: “Amaryllis”

Subject: No Subject

amaryllis, thank you for your note and i’m sorry it has been so long to get back. i didn’t even check my email for the longest time. since you already know, i will tell you now that i DID know my father was the man who had helped you — i knew but made a vow not to say it and i hope you will forgive me. but it is something i did not know for the longest time either. it took edward, as usual, to put the pieces together. actually, and i don’t think he would mind me telling you this, edward put the pieces together with the help of his MOTHER, who actually TOLD him (!) (did your foster mother tell you?) edward said that you and my father already knowing each another was “karma.” have you ever heard of karma? it seems to be a buddhist concept. lucy and i are still trying to adjust to him not being here — as if that will ever be possible. most of the time it feels like he is away at the hospital (where he used to go periodically). sometimes lucy and i drive around in the buggy — we tied one of his scarves at the end of the antenna so that it flaps like a flag — or just lie around his house. (we have not yet gone thru the ceiling trapdoor into your old room) that way, we feel his presence near. we avoid the workshop too because it is still a bit eerie to see all of his masks. we always keep a seat for him at the majestyk when we screen movies. it is the empty one between us. there are no longer doctors and nurses everywhere and that’s a good thing but joyce (edward’s mother) is having a hard time so there’s usually one nurse here at night who stays in the main residence. lucy has had sleepovers at saint-cloud a lot. (the place you were nearly “arrested” at, remember??!!) sincerely, toulouse

ps. she has been depressed and her parents want her to take a drug for it. that is so insane! (she has assured me she most certainly will not take a single pill because it would make her gain weight.) also, she has not been writing her book.

pps pullman sends his love

From: “Amaryllis”

To: “Toulouse Trotter”

Subject: No Subject

dearest toulouse. thank you for writing back so promptly. i apologize for spelling your name incorrectly in my previous note. you are SUCH a good speller! lani has shown me how to use the spell-check but i’m worried their are words it does not include. no, my foster mom did not tell me but we have since talked about it and she thinks it is AMAZING. how is everything? i hope you are feeling better. yes, things will never be the same without him but you must cherish the time you had with edward while he was here — which i know you and lucy already do. (I don’t mean I am condescendant.) i looked up karma on the internet. it said that the universe is a wheel and that all its creatures turned upon the wheel and that you couldn’t leave the wheel until you realized you were part of brahma? but what IS brahma. i have done my share of studying of the religions especially the field of those who are in line for sainthood. i have studied the royal kumari, but the lives they lead are so different than this experience of the wheel — they return to their villages after they are done. i guess that is getting off the wheel but in a different way?

i’m sorry but the spel-check does not work today love, amaryllis