Bruce Wagner - Dead Stars

Fragments & shards.

Jacquie came clean, telling him the whole certiwikifiable truth & nothing but, ending with the confession that once upon a time she was a celestial body (but no more), one of those shooting stars fated to arc across diurnal skies, consigned to perpetual underexposure. Albie surprised her by saying that he already knew, because he was required to websearch all job applicants. “There was something about you,” he added. “You remind me of Anne Sexton! But I’d have looked you up anyway . I look everyone up.”

Of course he does. Because that’s what people do — they look you up. Everyone looks everyone up, that’s what she should start doing.

No — too late.

Suddenly, Jacquie felt old, uncertain, unsophisticated.

Undernourished, underwater, underexposed.

Washed up & washed down.

That most pitiable thing:

A performance artist without a concept.

… menopausal Sears employee.

A familiar fog rolled in & clung to her coast.

. .

— I got your note. And I’m sorry that I haven’t been more present.

— That’s OK.

— No, it isn’t. Because we have a lot to talk about. First of all, how are you?

— Fine.

— Are you really?

— Yeah — why…

— You’re going through changes in your body. Any changes in your head?

— Like what?

— I don’t know. It’s not my head.

— Sometimes I feel really sad. Then sometimes like I am so happy. That I’m going to have this baby. & being a mother scares me? But I think it’s something I’ll be really good at?

— ( Smiles ) Is that a question?

— ( Smiles ) No. It’s a statement? ( They laugh ) It’s a statement .

— I got a call from — is it Eliza? Hirschorn?

— The social worker.

— Is she the one who works with all the parents? Of the girls who are expecting?

— Uh huh. She’s really nice. I mean really nice.

— Good, good, that’s great. How many girls over there are expecting?

— Just Marisol. She’s six months… last year there was I think three. No! Four. Yeah there were four. Remember Toleda?

— From Salvador? Those big green eyes? What happened to her?

— She had a little girl, I think. No! A little boy. She went back. To Salvador.

— I talked to Rikki’s dad.

— You did ?

— We’ve had several conversations. I’m off tomorrow, and we’re having lunch.

— Cool. Is his mom going?

— I don’t know. I don’t think so.

— How’s Rikki.

— He’s good.

— Can you bring him by this weekend? For lunch? Because now he is definitely in my life! I want to know him. We’ve hardly had a conversation. Is he smart? His father’s smart.

— O my god, Rikki is so smart .

— Not that it’s a prerequisite… it’s all about the heart. Does he have a good heart? Is he a good man?

— He’s got a really big heart. O my god, he is so generous .

— Terrific.

— So how’s it going? I mean work.

— Fine. Work is fine. Your note said you wanted to talk.

— Okay. I — yeah. I wanted—

— Sorry to interrupt but are you going to tell your father?

— I guess. Maybe. You mean, now?

— Yes, I mean now. Have you thought about it?

— Kind of. It’s not like he — I haven’t talked to him in like, 3 months.

— You do what you need to do. I’m not advocating either way, but that’s his grandchild. If I talk to him, I certainly won’t discuss it without your permission.

— Oh my god, please don’t!

— OK, I’m done.

— Mama, I wanted to ask you… it’s just something — you know, we can talk about it another time.

— What is it? (Reeyonna looks down at carpet/stressed out) Jerilynn? What’s going on?

— Well I’ve been thinking. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, &—I’ve been thinking about how we’re going to live, Rikki and I, when, when the baby’s born. You know, where we’re going to live——

— ( Doesn’t know where this is going ) Okay?

–& I thought we could get an apartment, we could get an apartment that’s like really close, or not too far away. . ….

— You’re going to need a lot of help , Jerilynn, I don’t think you realize——

— . . . . because if I just keep living here & Rikki keeps staying at his house, I totally know what’s going to happen from watching all those Teen Mom shows——

— You’re you, Jerilynn, you’re not a TV show.

— They’re reality shows. They show what — what happens — what can happen. In reality . And it’s because they stay at home and are dependant on their moms . There’s, like, no consequences .

— Well, I think it’s good you’re having these thoughts, but—

— I just think it will be so much better if we live in an apartment.

— And how do you expect to pay for that? Is Rikki working? Are his parents going to give you money?

— I don’t think so.

— And I don’t have it, Jerilynn, I just don’t have it. I’m working at Sears! I think it’s a sweet — it’s a good idea, I mean it’s sound , but there’s — the baby is already going to be a big expense. The baby is a hardship . You really need to start to realize. There are diapers , there—

— I know! And I don’t — I wasn’t going to ask you for any money. I want to use my own money.

— ( A kind of crazy look ) Your own money?

— From my trust.

— What do you mean trust?

— For the money. For the pictures—

— What pictures—

— The ones you took . Of me . The photographs . Remember when you said you were going to put money away? Because you said you wanted me to benefit ? You said you wanted me to benefit from your work—

— Oh. Yeah. OK. Okay — this — this is. . . . ….

— I’m not asking for your money. I’m not asking for anyone’s money but my own . And I know I might not be able to have it until I’m 21 or 18, legally or whatever, but what I wanted to ask you was if you — if they — the bank or whomever — if they could give me my money early because of my — because of my circumstances . I can even help you with it, I mean, if you need money, so you don’t have to work at Sears anymore, it would take off such a burden from everyone’s shoulders. . or I can even take part of, like, whatever it is, I could take just like 125,000 or even a hundred—

— ( Trancelike ) A hundred and twenty-five thousand. .

— Mom, I don’t care what it is, you can release to me whatever , it’ll just make things so much easier— I mean, so people — you & Rikki’s parents — so no one has to worry …

— Jerilynn, I want you to listen to me. I want you to hear this. I really want you to hear this. For a lot of years, I raised you and your brother alone. Your father gave me money for a while & then that stopped. And I was desperate. I was very, very depressed. I felt like the world passed me by. It’s a terrible feeling to have. I started taking pictures again because it was the only thing that stopped me from spiraling down. I started taking pictures of you because you were my light, my little faerie, my little blond angel. I had no idea anyone would be interested in those photographs. Because they were really just for me. Are you listening? Because I really want you to listen, Jerilynn, you really need to listen. I was absolutely — I couldn’t believe they got so much attention, even acclaim. And it allowed me to begin a new life, it let us begin a new life. But what you need to know is that I did not become rich. Not me, not the galleries, not anybody. It was more — it’s like my career has been more — more a cause célèbre than anything else. Do you know what a cause célèbre is, Jerilynn? It’s when something’s controversial but not necessarily profitable . You know, so I traveled to England to show my work, to tremendous expense, & everywhere we went — it wasn’t cheap bringing you on these trips, that’s why I had your brother stay with Ronny in NY — there were always these little tempests when I showed my work, & it seemed that as long as the pictures were controversial , people were more apt to buy. They sold for twenty-five hundred up to $12,000. We didn’t sell too many $12,000 ones, we sold a lot in the midrange & even more in the lower, the lower prices. And the galleries took 50 %. 50 %. .