Bruce Wagner - Dead Stars

— Swag? What is that?

— That she’s cool. But right now she’s just a kid with kancer.

— Yeah I guess.

— So where do you go to school?

— At home.

— At home?

— I have a tutor.

— That is hella tight .

— It’s OK.

— I want your life! So what else?

— What else?

— Like, about your parents. Doesn’t your mom come to the hospital when you have tests?

— She doesn’t really live with us.

— Now I know I want your life! Where does she live?

— London. Near London, I think. And Paris. Her business takes her away a lot.

— What’s her business?

— I don’t know.

— What about your dad?

— He lives at home. We live with him. My brother and me.

— Your father paid for this whole building ?

— Yeah.

— He must be a billionaire.

— I guess.

— What does he do?

— Invents ideas.

— Coolio. So what do you do?

— What do I do?

— For fun?

— Well I help my brother.

— How.

— With ideas.

— For what?

— Movies and television.

— You invent ideas?

— I guess.

— Rad! What kind.

— My brother has a production company? And I come up with ideas? For projects.

— That’s so awesome! What kind of ideas?

— Did you see Turndown Service ?

—The movie?

— With Zach Galifianakis and Tosh? And Kristen Wiig?

— I almost saw it. Is it on Netflix?

— Only Apple TV.

— What’s it about again?

— These people own a fancy hotel? That’s Tosh & his wife, Kristen Wiig. His wife in the movie. But they’re going bankrupt? And they have this son who’s a loser, who they never respected? That’s Zach Galifianakis. And when he tells them he’s going to save the hotel for them they just laugh. So he starts this service where people pay him to break up with their girlfriends. Instead of breaking up by texting. I mean, he has to find the girls then break up with them face-to-face. But I mean, the girls who are getting dumped are face-to-face with him , not with the guys who are dumping them.

— Like, how much does he charge?

— A lot, because most of the people who hire him are rich.

— But how could you make enough money to save a hotel, just by breaking up with people?

— They do in the movie. There’s blackmail and stuff I left out.

— Coolio.

— It’s not really so great. I mean parts of it are funny. It made $430 million in the world but only 160 in the States, & I think the studio thought it’d do better. In North America. It was sort of a disappointment. They weren’t really disappointed, they just thought it would do better.

— Does it say it’s written by you? In the credits?

— I didn’t write it, it was just my idea. But it does say, From an Idea by Biggie Brainard. My brother said I could have a From a Story by but I liked From an Idea by.

— So where do you get your ideas?

— I don’t know. It depends. Usually from the internet. I mean not literally. The internet makes me think of ideas.

— Coolio.

— My brother’s pitching You Rule! today, I think to NBC.

— What’s You Rule ?

—That’s why Brando couldn’t come, because he’s pitching You Rule!

— Is it from your idea?

— Uh huh. It’s about a high school student who I guess is kind of a loser who finds out that he’s actually king of an island in the South Pacific.

— That’s awesome.

— We’re doing a big movie with Michael Douglas & Larry Fishburne. It’s in preproduction. Robert Pattinson might do a cameo.

— What’s a cameo?

— When a big star is only, like, in one or two scenes. Sometimes they don’t even want a credit. They usually get a percentage.

— What’s it called?

— A cameo.

— I mean the movie.

— The Treasure of Sierra Leone. It’s in preproduction. The guy from Twilight might be doing a cameo. Robert Pattinson.

They talked some more & had their yogurt. Telma scrutinized him, attributing his occasional redundancies to nervousness. She had the feeling he was maybe more nervous because of her than he was about the MRI, at the moment anyway, sweetly so. But it was time, & she gently nudged Biggie over to the dreaded topic of magnetic resonance imaging . I’ve had a hundred of em, she said. She said she knew he was supposed to have one today, and do you want me to go with?

A little in love with her (or maybe a lot), he said he did.

And that was that.

. .

There wasn’t any phone service until she went back to the ward to get her purse & jacket.

The text was from her mom.

MICHEAL DOUGLAS

CALKED!!!!! u did it: D i

HAVE DETAILS!!!!!

Then

I MEANT CALLED!!!!!!!

Telma let out a whoop and ran down the corridor shouting “I’m gleeful , I’m so gleeful! I’m gleeful gleeful gleeful! ”

The RNs nodded their heads, smiling at their favorite kook.

Snubbing the elevator, the littlest breast kancer hervivor who could flew down all five flights, bursting out of the lobby into the wild freedom/explosive normalcy of the deep blue day.

Zen and the Art of Go Fuck Yourself

Dawn,

Rikki’s foster, the woman he started calling Mom just 2 wee into his placement — Dawn, soon to become his legal mother, her husband Jim his legal dad, both having agreed to the sacred, irrevocable process of adoption — hadn’t left her room in almost 5 days. Rikki practically wanted to die. He had heartache-headaches & even stopped watching porn. He never thought she would take the news of ReeRee’s pregnancy so hard.

Jim, sitting in the darkened living room, TV on low. Shows about houses: redoing houses, buying houses, flipping houses, razing houses. Dance show and singing show competitions. All America was singing and dancing and competing. All America was famous and winning, and if they weren’t, they were famously failing, all America was looking for someplace to compete and to win and be famous, or famously fail. There were only two groups left in AmericaWorld: the billionaires and the singing show contestants. Jim, laughing at Geico commercials in spite of himself. Jim, laughing at his favorite show, Family Guy . Jim even hauling out the old DVDs of his 2nd favorite show, Sealab 2021 , but not laughing, busy now listening through walls — you could be anywhere in the house and hear it — listening morosely to his wife/fits and starts/cries and moans. Rikki knew where it was heading: soon, he’d be disadopted. (First maladapted then disadopted.) All he wanted was to make it easier on these people, these beautiful people Dawn & Jim, who only happened to fucking be the only ones who ever treated him like a motherfucking human being, the only ones who ever loved him, ever risked loving him.

The only ones he ever loved back.

“Dad.”

“Come in, Rikki. Come sit.”

“How’s Dawn.”

“Been better.” ( Soft fatherly smile of understanding )

“Dad. I’m sorry… about — things.”

( As if he hadn’t heard ) “Rikki, I’ve been wanting to talk to you. You’re going through a lot & I feel somewhat guilty that I haven’t been able to devote much energy to what’s going on in your life. Because I know there’s a lot going on, big, big stuff. But I want you to know that’s not for a lack of concern. Dawn’s having a rough patch (as you well by now know) & I’ve got to see her thru.”