Bruce Wagner - Dead Stars

— That’s what I want to do.

Back in the dining room now, watching TV, her attention fully on Million Dollar Listing while Jerzy’s on the bong.

— What. Be a realtor?

— Housedresser. Home stylist . That’s who the realtors call when they’re trying to sell an empty house and they need to make it look lived in.

— You mean like housesitters?

— No! Those are different. Anyone can sit in a fucking house. That’s a different deal. Housedressers are the ones who like get the props. They’re like set decorators. Production designers. It’s like a play! What the realtors do if they can’t sell the house because maybe the furniture’s shitty or it’s got funky fungshwee— some of these realtors try and sell a house without even filling the pool, oh! big mistake! — the homestylist goes in and makes sure the pool is filled & even makes sure there’s like expensive shit floating in it — floating chaise lounges from Restoration, or whatever. And they bring in shitloads of flowers, they even put framed pictures of fake families on the fireplace , in the bedrooms , all around the house, Jerzy I am serious . They do whatever it takes to make the house desirable . I’d come in and work it , like, they say you be in & out in a day. The people on this show? The people on this show? The people on this show just paid $35,000 to get their house dressed & BAMBAMBAM the house sold the next day! Jerzy, I want to start a company! I want a housedresser website! You feel me? Can you feel me?

— Yeah, I’ll fuckin feel you. Whip em out for me.

Tom-Tom was shooting Demerol too. She was a nurse at the VA & not only stole it directly but took surplus from C patients when they died.

— So I still want you to tell me why you can’t be newly buff . Or why you can’t wave off Oscar talk . And if you can’t wave off Oscar talk and you can’t be newly buff, then tell me why you can’t be linked— to a, you know, reality star bimbo. Dude, you got to lower the bar. Get your ass linked to Kelly Osborne . Fuckin scavenger bitch can only do four things: gain weight, lose weight, eat dope, & go to fuckin celebrity funerals. If you’re famous, look out if Kelly wants you as a friend! Cause she’ll crawl up your ass to die but you’ll die first! Have you seen pics of her at the burials? Front and center, like front row fashion week in fuckin Paris ’cept the tears drop down from that chubby face — can you imagine what that face smells like?! — the tears drop down & puddle in that vulture vadge… but no shit, I would love to have my ass linked . Please, Lord, link me! And if the good Lord don’t see my ass fit to link, than maybe Lord Jesus can at least let me be Emily Deschanel, just for like a hot minute, so I can talk about my rockin new body, & my sister’s rockin success, & my rockin new life as a mom!

— You know what you oughta get your head out of the ass of those fuckin magazines.

— Zooey Deschanel needs to be fuckin raped by fags . See how adickable she is with her ass blown out from multiple unadorkable dicks. [ her attention went back to the show ] Did you know the guy who used to be the host got busted for stealing paintings & shit from dead people’s houses?!?!?!

— What show.

— This show . ‘Million Dollar Listing’! I love him!!! They said this house {eyes glued to the set} was rented by Natalie Portman while she was pregnant , but I’m not sure I believe that. Tho you know what? If you tell someone who’s interested , you know, a potential buyer , you say, “Natalie Portman once lived here,” well that actually is a form of housedressing, right? That’s like extreme housedressing , right? I mean, even if it isn’t true. If she didn’t live there or lease it or whatever, she might have actually stayed there, how would anyone know but her? You have to like ask Natalie , if you were ever trying to prove it in court. Because you don’t have to have your name on the lease to live someplace, not that she ever has her name on anything, the stars always list shit under their company or lawyer’s name or whatever. And even if you lied about it, that’s proably not even illegal. Because it could be hearsay , right? Yeah, I’d say that was completely acceptable… hey how was your day baby?

— Aw-ite.

— Get anybody good?

— No. Marisa Tomei. Sky Ferreira.

— Who’s that.

— Just a bitch. A model. Oh, Chelsea Handler—

— She’s so mean! I love what she said about Angelina! She & Jennifer are tight, & that is so loyal . And her fuckin body rocks .

— Who else, who else!

— The kid from The Big Bang Theory .

— I will never watch that shit.

— Got Michael Douglas, at lunch.

— O, he’s cool! How’s he doin?

— OK I guess.

— Sick again?

— I don’t know. He looked OK.

— There’s a gal with a vlog somewhere, someone sent it to me — I think she had cancer. She was saying if you had bread , you could fuck with it. With cancer. But I mean seriously fuck with it. I mean that’s no great newsflash, right? Cause everybody knows that if you got money for a good lawyer, you aint goin to prison, right? But obviously if you have bread, you can fuck with the cancer or the whatever by delaying it. Delay the inevitable. Like, Steve Jobs got a new liver, remember that? Had a Whipple first, they take out the pancreas, cut off its head, then stuff it back inside. But with the liver the internet chick said he got around the list, cuz there is a shitload of people on the list in California, she said he couldn’t buy the top spot cuz too many people would’ve found out so he went to Tennessee & bought their top of the list & had it done in Tennessee — all in, like, a week, he was in&out… Do you want to know what I think, Jerzy? I’m a nurse, right? And we sell private information to the media all the time . I mean, we don’t talk about it but we do, cuz everybody’s hurting. Everyone’s pockets are fuckin light. & they know they can’t regulate that shit. There’s just no way. You just need to be careful, cuz man it is hard times , & you cannot regulate people and stop em from doing what they need to do to feed their families. Well I don’t think people are different in Tennessee. Human nature don’t change from state to state. People in Tennessee are — how do they say it? — ‘just like you and me’! So here’s what I think. I think Apple went in there, to Tennessee, whatever city, I think Apple went in and bought a whole hospital and everyone in it! How else could you get away with that shit without anyone finding out? I think Apple was planning it for a longass time, I mean he was sick for, what, like 10 years, right? But he didn’t need the liver til later. Right? And the money for all the hospital workers had to be big enough so no one was going to pick up the phone to TMZ. What they did — I’ve thought about all this — they probably paid everyone X and told em, you know, if it doesn’t leak, everyone’ll get Y . Like half now, half when the deed is done. As an incentive to keep their mouths shut. Makes sense, right? They bought a little private hospital with 200 people & Apple gave em, say, a million each, which they could do without even feeling it. $200 million aint shit to them—300, 400, five hundred aint shit — they’re big as Russia & bigger than all the oil companies put together. And it’s not really the doctors you need to worry about leaking the shit, it’s the RNs and the LVNs and all the techs, but if you give the techs a quarter of a mill & you give the LVNs 500 thou & the nurses a million each, then you got to give the doctors probably 5 million each, again, not because they would be the source, but because they would be pissed off when they heard everyone was getting the bucks from Apple but them. Human fuckin nature. If Steve Jobs didn’t have the long green, he’d have been up there dirty dancing with Patrick Swayze a long time ago. That man really touched me. I bawled when he was on 20/20 with his wife & they were walking around their beautiful property… David Crosby had two fuckin liver transplants, right here in LA! And that was before they were throwing livers around like they was fuckin Vicodin. I think Charlie Watts had the same thing Michael Douglas has — in the throat. Probably when cancer got to Keith Richards, it said: “Uh-uh. Fuck that! ” Even cancer don’t want to fuck with Keith Richards! And Nurse Jackie? What’s her name? Mrs. Soprano?