Bruce Wagner - Dead Stars

And that was that.

. .

On Tuesday, he’d be at Sloan-Kettering for his check-up.

Anyone in remission (or “cancer-free”) had been through the drill a hundred times, playing the nightmarish variations in their heads as if to inoculate themselves: OK here’s what’s going on: I saw something on the scan that I didn’t like. Or, We’re all kind of surprised at the speed of the recurrence — you were in three months ago, no? Or, I’m not going to dress this up for you; the cancer’s returned. Having said that, I’m not going to doom and gloom you, either. Cause we’re gonna sic the Navy Seals on this thing.

The iPad chimed with another email.

Did you get me anything?

He’d forgotten. Which only meant his daughter was going to make him pay for his lapse, at FAO Schwarz. Big-time.

Thinking of her, his whole being smiled. The two brave little ones — Aleisha and Telma — followed Carys into his head. What would he do if something like that happened to one of his own? Such occasional musings were a hazard of parenthood. It was important to remember to be in the moment ; not even forms that threw shadows were real … and nothing to get hung about . Maybe cancer was just another bar of an imaginary cell. The uncontrolled division of abnormal cells…

He was prepared to believe it. What would be the harm? The New Age parable said each of us had two wolves fighting inside. One was dark and evil, the other was light and filled with love. The winner of the battle is whichever wolf you feed.

. .

Lately, he didn’t like being called survivor . He was mildly superstitious that the very word fed the wrong wolf.

It was challenging enough just to live on the planet. As far as he was concerned, being vertical and breathing conferred full survivor status. Why should the word be reserved for victims of rape, incest, the Holocaust? Every human being struggled to get through the random blessings and scourges of the day, to live through the night to see the sun. Hero was the other word that put a hair up his ass. Everyone was a hero. We were all survivors — until one day, we weren’t. It was probably the hubris of it that bothered him.

He’d take Telma and her mom to tea again. We’re cancer-free, right Telma? So let’s forget the whole survivor deal — I never liked the “Nice try, cancer/I kicked cancer’s butt” thing anyway. Let’s forget being survivors and just be people who happen to be living their lives, people lucky enough to be surrounded by family and friends who they love. Maybe we don’t even need to be cancer-free, how about just “free”? I guess what I’m saying is that I had a whole life before this thing and now I’m having one after. You’re having one too, sweetheart, you’re having it now, and believe me, there’s going to be a lot more to come. And just because we don’t use the words anymore, just because we don’t say survivors and cancer-free, that doesn’t mean we don’t get our check-ups. “Trust in God, but lock your front door.” Ever hear that saying, Gwen? So we go and get our check-ups, and when we get a clean bill of health we kick up our heels. Kick em up anyway! Cause we can just be people now, citizens of the world, not survivors or some kind of heroes. Kid, I think that’s a jersey we can retire.”

He would take her on all the talk shows — start a new anti-hero movement… hell, they’d shout it from the rooftops!

I used to be cancer-free — now I’m just free.

Malibu Slumberyard

Rikki

named the baby girl Nikki, after one of ReeRee’s favorites, Nicki Minaj. That it rhymed with his name was a bonus. Tom-Tom said she thought that’s why maybe he picked it tho.

Nikki lived at Jim & Dawn’s. Jacquie visited everyday. Rikki lived at the house again too. He had a job that paid good money (so he said). He told his soon to be lawful parents he was working for a “no profit” involved with the rehab of former child soldiers. Among his new friends were will.i.am & Emmanuel Jal, a rapper from Sudan who was featured on MTV. Rikki had a newfound confidence about him that Dawn attributed to fatherhood & the death of Reeyonna. Jim worried he was dealing drugs because he never heard of anyone making “good money” working for an NGO, especially someone w/no experience.

Reeyonna’s girlfriends loved to visit. The mood was heavy those 1st few weeks but then their laughter filled the house. They even taught Rikki how to change a diaper. He fucked 2 of them.

. .

Jacquie hadn’t yet developed the pictures she took at Cedars. She thought about burning the film but Albie said don’t you dare. He was the only one other than Dawn who knew. It was monumentally unreal.

Nikki was gorgeous. Sometimes she called her “Lynnie” by mistake. (What she called Jerilynn as a newborn.) She thanked God for Dawn & Jim.

Albie helped disperse the ashes. At 1st she said no but he insisted & she was so glad. Jacquie knew how head-over-heels Jerilynn was for Malibu. Jeri used to say one day she was going to make enough money to buy a house there, “for weekends.” Jacquie told Albie about the day she drove Jeri & 2 girlfriends to the Malibu Lumber Yard. The girls squealed & carried on because they saw one of the kids from The Vampire Diaries at James Perse.

She wound up scattering the ashes in different places. Jacquie was always intrigued by a private neighborhood in the Malibu hills called the Serra Retreat. It used to be Old Hollywood — people like Roddy McDowall, Loretta Young, Ray Walston & Karl Malden used to live there. Now, it was James Cameron, Eva Longoria, Steven Tyler. At the top of the mountain was a beautiful old Catholic monastery, with grounds overlooking the Pacific. It was open to the public.

When it came time, Albie walked a respectful distance behind. She reached into the container &, grabbing a fistful of her daughter, nervously looked around like a 1st-time shoplifter. When Jacquie finally let the ashes go, she burst into unbidden tears. Albie ran over & held her in his arms.

They drove to the Malibu Lumber Yard & walked around. She left a lot of Jerilynn there: in front of James Perse, in front of Kitson, in front of the yogurt place & the movieplex & the Coffee Bean. Her mood lightened. They saw Vincent D’Onofrio.

The last most important spot was the ocean. Her bare feet felt good in the sand. When it was done, they had drinks at Gladstone’s. Albie got excited because he thought he saw Colton Dixon from Idol in one of the booths. He took the long way to the bathroom to get a closer look. When he passed the table he looked over at Jacquie with a trademark pukey face & shook his head. He made her laugh.

It was dark when they got home. She brought Albie next door and introduced him to Jim, Dawn & Nikki. Rikki wasn’t there. They all had dinner together. After, Jacquie asked Albie if he’d spend the night. She made up the couch and they watched 3 saved Glee s.

She went to bed but Albie stayed up & watched 2 more.

. .

With the help of a hospice newsletter she subscribed to, Dawn prepared a few things for Jacquie to journal about:

What I will miss about you is…

What I will remember most about you is…

What you meant to me was…

The hardest thing about letting go is…

I am angry at you for…

I feel guilty that…

I regret that…

She would wait for the right time.

She got an email from the Metta Institute.

Subject: WE’RE ALMOST FULL!… They were having their annual 6-day Cultivating Presence Retreat in San Rafael. The email said “Retreat Almost FULL, Commuter Places Now Open.” The cost for the commuter package was “only $900.” She thought, Don’t be silly, you can’t do that now, how could you leave Nikki. A few other retreats were coming up that looked tantalizing, and she’d already shared some of them with Jim. “The Great Matter of Birth & Death” was taking place in Turin, in Italy.