Gavin Corbett - This Is the Way

The fella was confused and I knew he would be confused.

I says we don’t watch television in this house.

Okay says the fella.

We sat in the quiet I let it one minute.

Now I says what we do in this house is we tell stories.

The fella says cool, okay, he laughed about it, he was drunk.

I looked at Conchita I says isn’t that it Conchita.

She did not know what I was saying, I says I will tell you a story because that is the thing in this house, it is a house of storytelling.

I turned in my seat I says I’ll tell both of you a story now it is about a farmer his wife and a gentleman came by on the road.

Get off my land says the fella.

I says do not be interrupting me you mustn’t interrupt when I’m telling a story it is important.

Sorry he says. He says go ahead, then he opened his mouth he burped.

And do not be fucking burping at me neither I says to him.

Conchita says Anthony this is not normal for you and she was right about it I was angry, I was angry she was taking advantage my father not being in the house bringing a boy in the house.

She says to her boy friend Fintan I’ll show you something, and they both went out the room.

I did not like it one bit them moving about my house without me saying but I stopped myself jumping up after them because it was getting if I pressed on him too much it would come to blows, I knew it, I let them out the room.

Then I heard the back door open. I knew they were standing outside and the fella was smoking a cigarette. Then they came back in the house but they did not come back in the television room, they went up the stair.

I got out my seat I went out the room, I went up the stair I stood outside Margarita and Beggy’s room. I did not hear Conchita and the fella there, I stood outside the toilet I heard them there. I heard noises, kissing. I heard joking and whispering. I thought I would get sick on the floor, I didn’t know what to be doing. I put my hand on the wall, I looked at the door of the toilet. I could not stand there long the things in my head, I went back down to the room I pressed my head in my hand.

After ten minutes I heard the two of them come down the stair laughing saying sh. The fella did not delay in the house, it sounded he was swept out the house because Conchita knew what they done was disgusting but they were laughing as they said goodbye one another all the same.

I says to myself Conchita do not come in the television room and she did not, she went straight back up the stair to wash herself and go to bed.

In the morning I got up early, I went to the kitchen got my breakfast. Conchita came in the kitchen, she had the look on her face was bold almost fierce like she would not be saying nothing about anything. I thought this was a face she was putting on, it was an effort.

When she turned to leave and go to school I says to her there’s a word for you.

She did not ask me the word or answer me back, she moved to the front door.

I moved behind her to the front door I says behind her I will not say the word, this is a house that fears God.

My father was away at mass for the morning. When he came back I was waiting for him. After mass he would have tea and bread and I waited for him to be sitting down and having his tea and bread.

I says to him something funny happened last night when you were out doing the charity.

He says oh.

I says Conchita didn’t come back until late and it wasn’t until you were out doing the charity she came and listen to this are you listening.

Go on he says.

She came back with a fella with her I says.

Oh he says.

Do you hear me I says.

I do he says.

They were up there in the toilet and they weren’t wiping their arse I says.

My father didn’t say nothing, he folded up his bread looked more serious in the eyes but he didn’t say nothing.

Are you listening to what I’m saying to you I says.

Anthony stop shouting he says.

You and your stupid ways and look what you’ve brought in the house I says. You are slipping man is what you’re doing. This is not your ways. See what happens when you try to be like the fucking buffers on the road. You bring a buffer in and they rule you I says.

My father says don’t you be using them rude words like buffers.

Buffers is what they are and buffers is what you’re not I says.

My father went to get up and go in the garden.

I says go on fuck off buffer.

My father says Anthony serious don’t.

I says I’m going out in me car.

My father says go on fuck off.

I says how am I going to stick it now in the house with you around no self respect I says.

Get another job my father says.

I says I will not get another job hear me. Hear me I says shouting at him and he gone in the garden. I opened the top window I says shouting louder no pride and self respect.

I sat at the table boiling, cooling. I closed my eyes, a pain in my head, I had a thought that was strange. It was I was at the bottom that dried lake in Melvin and I knew it what side I was with. I breathed, filling.

I went back to the window, I had a feel of something. I seen the garden, the walls that my father painted white because the grey bricks made us all depressed, the broken plates nailed to the bricks. I seen the fountains he made and the pillars he made himself of concrete. Some of these pillars were on the tops of the walls. Down the bottom these walls and pillars and plates was my father in amongst it, kicking the grass that was now tall. I seen a look on him I hadn’t seen a long time, a change coming on him, coming on quick. It was like all that was damping down on him was lifted. His head was lit and twitching, he was blowing mucus. He was shifting one foot this way and back, one foot that way and back.

I went out the kitchen nice and slow, I locked the door.

I heard the back door banging and my father coming pounding and skittering on the floor. The kitchen door took a thump and moved.

Aaaah he says, it was not words.

Go on animal you fuck, get it out of you I says.

Aaaah he says, and the door started to split.

What you going to do I says. You going to nearly kill me like you nearly killed me mother I says.

Aaaah he says, aaaah, aaaah, and I left him, I left him there to burn out.

I went out driving. I went aimless about, I was not thinking. I was running low on diesel I says if I run out of diesel I will siphon it. I wondered what I would do I wondered would I stick things out would I sell cigarettes, but I did not wonder too long. I had my mind made up what I’d do from now and there was no wondering about it.

By late in the evening I had a bag packed up. I didn’t have much in it I didn’t have much anyhows and a lot of it I didn’t want anyhows. I hadn’t seen Conchita since she came back from school, soon as she came in the door she went up the stair. Not long Conchita would be gone from the house, I think she had a week left in it but I would not be waiting to see her go but I wanted to see her one last time. When I was ready I went in to her, I did not knock, I opened the door.

She was on her bed watching the television but when she seen me come in she took one look she sat up stiff.

I sat the end of the bed I says how are you girl.

She did not say anything.

I says I want to say something to you and I want you to listen to me careful.

She says okay.

I says relax there now and listen to me.

She would not relax she looked afeard of me but there wasn’t no need to be afeard. I would not hit her but I seen the bone under her skin behind her ear I could have grabbed and torn the hair floating there and held her and spat the words in her ear but I did not.

I says I am going to be leaving this house for good in the morning first thing. I need to be writing something for me father for him to know about it, I need to leave it down somewhere like on the kitchen table. But there isn’t no point in me writing these things for him I says because he can’t read, that is the way with a lot of our people do you understand me. I says so I am going to tell you now the exact words I want you to say to him so listen very careful what I am going to say. Are you listening I says.