Gavin Corbett - This Is the Way

One day I said it to Conchita because I was thinking about it, it was bothering me, I says what age are you Conchita.

She says I am eighteen.

I says quick I am twenty two. I says bluh bluh gluh gluh, I said stupid things. I did not think Conchita would say she was eighteen, I was not expecting it, I thought she was younger.

I says you are eighteen.

She said her father and mother kept her out of school when she was a young thing because they wanted to teach her about the religion but later she went in school but she was the eldest in the class, she felt left out of it she said.

I says oh. Oh oh ah is what I said.

I opened my gob I says I know lads went back in school too they went back in because they left it when they were young but they went back to do their exam.

I heard these words come out my mouth I says stupid eejit myself, I thinks she will think the things I don’t want her to think if I says I knew lads left school and went back did their exam. I didn’t want her knowing nothing about my people, I was shamed about it.

I said to her the truth I says I did not know these boys who left school and went back.

Conchita looked at me strange.

I says it was Aaron knew them boys, they were two friends of Aaron’s.

I said Aaron, now Conchita talked about Aaron, I did not want to talk about Aaron but it was better than talking about the people I was from.

Conchita says how did Aaron die.

I says he killed himself.

Conchita says how did he kill himself.

I said it to her that he hanged himself.

Conchita did not say anything.

I says some boys wanted to get at him and it made him depressed.

Conchita did not say anything.

It went on like this. I said about Aaron. What I said was these boys heard he was good at the boxing and they put it to him on blank DVDs that they wanted to fight him. I said it to her that my father would not allow Aaron fight these boys but Aaron went on anyhows. He lost his boxing licence because of it. I said this made him depressed and my father went mad at him, made him more depressed.

It was the first time I said these words and it was good for me was the truth of it. I says to Conchita you aren’t just good at the talking you’re good at the listening too.

She was embarrassed, she turned her head, I looked in her ear.

I says your ear is like the inside of a shield.

She says a shield.

I says a shield.

I says your ear is like the milk the inside of a pot’s been boiled to the bottom.

I says no your ear is like the light in a cup that looks like a sea gull.

I says your ear is like the inside of a shell.

She says that’s what my name means it means shell.

I says shell, repeating it.

What does your name mean she says.

I don’t know I says.

Then I says no, Anthony is the saint of lost things. That is what I heard I says.

She says I like this name. I like your father’s name too. Aubrey is a word for red brown no she says.

It is a name has got him in trouble I says. Some people think it is too grand a name.

Which people are these she says.

People who knew him I says.

Conchita was confused but I could not say more, I was quiet.

Tell me more about Aaron she says. Who were these boys who wanted to fight him she says.

I do not want to talk about him now I says.

I think back on all of this with Conchita I think what I would say if I was talking again. I would say you are too good at listening that is the problem. I would say words to her would have nothing to do with who I am and who I came from. Normal things and I would say to her she was beautiful. It was a summer a lot was done but I could have done more and better. I am remembering it, I am shamed about the lot of it, I am shamed or maybe the word is paining me.

At the end of the summer Conchita was joking and she made a shape of a V with her hands the bottom of her stomach. She had a harsh laugh in her. She said she could never go to certain countries because her name meant also little cunt.

Arthur was getting down in himself. Some days I thought he was normal and then he done something I seen he was right the way down. One time we walked past the church I been told was the black church. If you hopped around it three times you would see the Devil, I said it to Arthur. Next he was off hopping up the path hysteric to himself. When he got to the end one side he stopped. He was holding his waist. I went up to him I thought he was laughing. He was not he had a stitch and I seen he was depressed.

One day I heard bangs distant in the air. The next day I heard them again. It was getting into the end of the autumn. There was drizzle and there was the feel of the dampened down fires about too. There was the smell of guns. Soon it was all you heard was bangs. We heard a loud bang when we were sitting in the room. It sounded it was in the lane near by, the echo went through us, hurt our ears. I flicked off the television then I flicked it on again. Arthur said did I get the television with the room. I says no I found it dumped on the street. We talked about the television for ten minutes, we did not talk about the bang. One morning we were walking in the street we heard a bang as loud, we moved on quick. Near the house we heard another bang distant. Arthur grabbed my hand, he hurt it from holding it so tight. He wouldn’t let go. I tried to move my hand, loosen his grip on me. Then he hooked his arm around my arm. I walked on he was still holding on to me. I stopped I says to him stop being an oul woman. His face did not look right, he was not looking at anything. I says are you only seeing the Devil now. We walked on again I says to him serious Arthur you’re making me afeard stop being an oul woman.

One evening I says to Arthur remember when we were standing on that bridge in the middle of Dublin those weeks ago and you were pointing down the river and you said you used come in Dublin down that way, was it something you used do a lot was it something our people did coming in Dublin or did they keep out of Dublin did they know their way in Dublin speak to me Arthur I says.

One time I was in a shop I was getting some things. I seen a newspaper, I never read the newspaper but this one I read. I seen at the front of it it said Carnage In Clongar. There was a picture of the face of my cousin Paul Gillaroo with it. He was looking grown up but he had blood down his face and he was giving angry looks in the picture. He was looking me in the eye from the picture, it was like he was looking from a DVD. I read the words under the picture it said turn to page six I read the words it said a group of savages from the Gillaroo clan descended was the word on the village of Clongar where some of the Sonaghans were living they laid siege to the village were the words it was a picture of devastation both factions went at each other armed with planks of wood, baseball bats, pieces of scaffolding, kitchen knives, crow bars, bicycle chains, hurleys, golf clubs, broken broom handles, broken patio slabs, slash hooks, meat hooks, nunchuks, samurai swords, antique Zulu spears. I looked for who was killed but it didn’t say if someone was killed but a lot of the mob was badly hurt they had to get sewn up in hospital.

The boy in the shop says there’s no reading the papers.

I put the newspaper down I picked up my bag and went to go out the shop. Before I got to the door I turned to the boy I says to him how far from Dublin is Clongar.

The boy didn’t say nothing then he made a face like he didn’t know and didn’t care about it.

And fuck yourself too I says to him.

In Judith’s garden was a bomb shelter we could have hidden in. When she showed us it didn’t look like nothing, it was a brick building the same height as me. It was dark that end of the garden. Judith’s garden was on a hill and this was the bottom of it. The only light we were getting came from the strong white lamp fixed to the back of the house. Somewhere was the noise of a river moving.