Gert Jonke - Awakening to the Great Sleep War

The insect had flown into his apartment, and right away she was calling it “Elvira.” Why? Burgmüller asked himself, and why was she acting as if this Elvira was someone she knew? Admittedly someone she hadn’t seen in years, but nonetheless, a very good friend? At first he just couldn’t understand that, but neither was there any opportunity for him to ask, because she was devoting herself all too much to the housefly, and so had hardly any time to give him a detailed answer. But all this kind talk soon made Elvira feel quite sure of herself, and she hopped onto the surface of the buttered bread.

Come along, Burgmüller then heard his girlfriend say to him, let’s leave her in peace.

He hesitated, didn’t want to let a housefly drive him out of his kitchen, but then he felt his girlfriend tugging at his shirt sleeve, pulling him out the door and into the hallway.

In their room, they then discussed their new situation.

My dear, she said, we’d wanted to go to the pound anyway, today or tomorrow, to adopt a dog without a master or a cat without a mistress, but now I think we can save ourselves the trip, because Elvira has come to us.

There’s that name Elvira again, he thought, and wanted to reply that he felt left out as far as choosing her name. But before he could reply, she spoke of the great good fortune they’d had, because if Elvira had reached another window, it’s possible that the people there wouldn’t have opened it for her at all, or if they had, then with the evil intent of swatting her or of throwing her into an aquarium for their goldfish.

He probably couldn’t begin to understand, she then continued, how happy she was that Elvira had come now after all, because she had always wished for this housefly, she much preferred it to a dog or cat; and she asked how he liked Elvira.

He liked Elvira, he liked her, he replied, and now he had spoken this name for the first time, as if Elvira had always been there, as if she had always had this name, or as if they had been waiting for her for the longest time. Yes, he really liked Elvira a lot, he said, as far as he’d been able to judge in the short time he’d known her, she had a likeable nature, was quiet, cautious, not too pushy, was unassuming, charming, and so on.

But the most important thing at present, she continued, was to give Elvira a chance to rest, not to frighten her in any way, above all not to make any unnecessary noise, you know, people talk much too loudly, as she was now noticing, and if he would please just put himself in the position of the housefly; just imagine, she explained, if that huge building over there across the way suddenly started a conversation with the church tower behind it, can you imagine how loud their words would sound to you, you would think the tall building or the church was yelling at you, or that they were screaming at each other, do you understand what I mean, and when we talk with each other, it must seem about that loud to Elvira, in future we have to talk much more quietly, better yet, whisper, do you understand, nothing above a whisper! The best thing would be not to go into the kitchen at all for the rest of the day, or even tomorrow, but to leave her entirely in peace for now.

They went on to speak of their future life with Elvira, of the new issues that would now arise, for example how to care for her, how to behave toward her, how to educate her, and he emphasized that it wasn’t just that the two of them should adapt to the housefly, but also that the housefly should also adapt to them.

What are you thinking of, she said, didn’t he know that a housefly, once one had made friends with it, was consideration personified, no, Elvira would never crawl over his face if she sensed that he didn’t like that kind of thing, and yes, she could sense something like that from kilometers away, but as soon as he wanted her to land on his hand, she would immediately comply with his wish, would alight on his finger and start cleaning his signet ring, he would see how well Elvira could do that, he’d be amazed, and if they were sad and cried, she would wipe the tears from their eyes with her wings.

He had things to do in the city, so he left the apartment. When he got back, he was hungry and wanted to go into the kitchen.

When he went to turn the door handle, he heard a horrified, frightened hissing behind him. Had he forgotten that he shouldn’t go into the kitchen today, had he already forgotten Elvira so quickly?

But he just wanted to go in very quietly, carefully get himself something to eat, and then come right out again.

That’s not possible, no!

But very carefully, just for a moment!

No, no way, Elvira would be frightened to death, there was no telling what the long-term consequences would be, it was a good thing she had managed to stop him in time, had he still not grasped what was at stake here, a lot, everything, yes, everything, it was now a matter of life and death, no less. But presumably he didn’t have a clue about how to behave properly toward Elvira; to make sure it didn’t happen again, she would, yes, on his behalf, because he was always too distracted and forgot everything right away, really it was most alarming, she would. .

Then she turned the key in the lock on the kitchen door and pocketed it. In answer to his question, where or what he was supposed to eat, she replied that he should please go to the inn today and have a bite to eat there, and in answer to his invitation that she go with him, they hadn’t gone out together in such a long time, she said, no, not that, impossible, what was he thinking, she would stay here and keep watch to see if Elvira needed anything, so she could help her right away, bring her what was needed.

He didn’t understand why he wasn’t allowed in the kitchen, but she was, and asked if her entering the kitchen was less of a disturbance to the insect than his entering the kitchen?

Of course not, she replied, there was no way she was entering the kitchen, what was he thinking, how could he attribute the same thoughtlessness to her as he had just demonstrated, she found that really alienating, outrageous.

But then how would she notice, without going into the kitchen, if Elvira needed anything?

Oh, that showed he didn’t know her very well at all, once again she was seeing that he didn’t have a clue about her, that her inner life was a complete mystery to him, it was a matter of feeling, yes indeed, one had to feel, yes, she would simply feel it if or when Elvira needed something, she felt that sort of thing right away, which he probably didn’t believe, but he would soon see, he should leave it up to her, she knew what to do, when and how, no, to simply barge into the room as he had almost done, that would never even occur to her!

After he had had a meal, he came back.

He found her crouching outside the closed kitchen door, drilling several holes into the wood at eye-level, and when he stepped closer, he saw that she had already drilled numerous holes there, enough that she could see into every corner of the kitchen behind the closed door.

Why are you doing that? he asked.

So that I can watch Elvira all the time without bothering her, so that I can see Elvira without opening the door.

What kind of things was she seeing? he asked.

Soon Elvira will have eaten the entire piece of bread, she told him, and the butter too, she wolfed it all down pretty quickly, soon there won’t be any trace left, all she could see now were a few crumbs on the windowsill, no, nothing else, and soon not even those would be left, as she could see, which made her realize that they would have to take decisive action now so that their pet wouldn’t start worrying about where her next food was coming from. Yes indeed, could he please go down to the butcher and bring back two hundred grams of salami that wasn’t too expensive, but also not too cheap?