Benjamin Hale - The Fat Artist and Other Stories

A pale, bloated bug was indeed drifting around at the bottom of the rectangular bottle, which glowed gold in her hands in the early-summer sunlight.

“Let’s make margaritas,” she said. This had been the plan, as discussed yesterday over lunch at Dave & Buster’s.

Veronica went to work on the margaritas at the kitchen counter. She found limes in the refrigerator, Cointreau in the liquor cabinet, salt in the cupboard. Phil rifled around in the cabinet under the kitchen sink and found the blender, which was dirty and dusty. For some reason the blender was an appliance that didn’t see much use in the Grassley household. Veronica eyed the condition of the blender.

“Gross,” she opined. She flipped her hair over her shoulder with her fingers. Her round face was framed in long, thick waves of glossy black hair. Her ditzy tic of flipping the stuff over her shoulder was something that might have irritated him if one of his sons had brought her home to dinner in the office of a girlfriend. Veronica was in fact about the same age as his oldest son. But when Veronica did it, he understood what his sons saw in girls like this one.

The blender washed, he gave it to Veronica and returned to the enchiladas. The enchiladas were nested side by side in green chili sauce in a rectangular Pyrex pan, and he was grating cheese over them. Veronica jammed the lip of the blender’s glass container against the plastic lever in the hole in the refrigerator door where ice cubes come out. The light came on, and the machine hummed and churned, but no ice came out. Phil covered the Pyrex pan of enchiladas with a sheet of aluminum foil and put it in the preheated oven. Veronica was still pressing the blender container against the lever in the refrigerator. The refrigerator was still humming and churning, and no ice cubes were coming out. Veronica tapped her foot.

“Maybe it’s broken?” she said.

“Give it a minute. Sometimes it takes a little while.”

“I like your house.”

It occurred to Phil that she had never seen the inside of his house before. If she were anyone else, he supposed he might have taken her on a tour or something. But as it was, he invited her in like she’d already been here a hundred times.

Phil didn’t worry too much about his house. It was a gated community; he often forgot to even lock his door at night. If she’d just walked right in, he wouldn’t have been surprised.

“Thanks.”

“It’s cute.”

“This is all Diane’s shit,” he said, waving a hand to indicate the décor.

“It’s cute.”

“You’re cute.”

He pawed and squeezed her ass again. She still had the lip of the blender pushed against the lever in the refrigerator door; the ice machine still grumbled and hummed, and no ice was coming out.

“What the fuck is wrong with this thing?”

Phil opened the freezer door and immediately identified the problem: no ice. The way the automatic icemaker thing worked was there was this reservoir that emptied through this chute and into your cup when you pressed it against the lever in the hole in the front of the refrigerator door. Above the reservoir was the icemaker, which made ice cubes and spat them out into the reservoir. There was a metal lever on the thing that you could pull up or down to turn the icemaker on or off. The lever was, as a matter of fact, in the “off” position. The on/off lever on the icemaker was in the “off” position because Diane was fucking constantly putting the goddamn icemaker in the “off” position because she had at some point fallen under the benighted impression that this infinitesimal reduction of their carbon footprint would somehow help to allay global warming, and now, as it often happened, there were no fucking ice cubes in the fucking ice cube reservoir.

“Jeez-a-loo!” said Veronica. “We can’t make margaritas without ice!”

“Hold your horses. I think there’s a bag of ice in the other refrigerator.”

There was an old refrigerator in the garage. The bottom compartment contained a mini-keg full of impotable swill left over from Phil’s passing hobby with homebrewing. The freezer contained the stiff, gray, freezerburned slabs of three fish; two black sea bass and an amberjack — and, he remembered, a plastic sack of ice. The ice was left over from a barbecue they’d had a while ago. Phil had bought several bags of ice at the gas station and dumped the bags into a rust-caked red Radio Flyer wagon left over from his three sons’ childhoods. This particular bag of ice had been auxiliary. For all its life as one of Phil’s possessions it had sat forgotten and unneeded in the freezer of the spare refrigerator in the garage — until today.

“Catastrophe averted,” said Phil, and thunked the bag on the kitchen counter. “We got ice.”

“Oh, goodie.”

Phil ripped the plastic bag open. Months of storage in the freezer had caused the ice in the bag to compact and solidify, all the individual ice cubes settling together into one big rock-hard, bag-shaped hunk of ice. He clawed with his fingers at the shapes of the glued-together ice cubes sticking out of the mass of ice, but failed to wrest them from their foundations. Veronica watched as he searched the kitchen for something to crack the ice apart with. He found a rubber meat-tenderizing mallet, which only bounced pathetically off the ice. Then he tried a wooden cooking spoon, with which he was able to hack off a few chips and shavings, but he realized he needed something much harder and heavier to break the ice into several smaller, more manageable chunks, which could then be more easily broken down into chunks small enough to put into the blender for the margaritas. He opened and closed the kitchen drawers — this was Diane’s territory, he’d never really bothered to learn where anything was — until he landed on a wooden rolling pin, which did the job nicely. It fit in his hands well; it had the right shape, gravity, hardness, and heft. He held the rolling pin by the bottom of the shaft with the handle fulcrumed against the base of his palm, shimmied the skin of the plastic bag back over the hunk of ice, held it down on the kitchen counter by the mouth of the bag, and whacked at it with the rolling pin as hard as he could. He felt the ice crack apart cleanly into two chunks. Beautiful. This is the sort of thing he would always try to teach his sons, helping them with their batting, or their tennis strokes or golf swings or whatever. How to manipulate matter, how to gracefully command the movement and force of an object in your hands, how to handle a racket, a club, or a bat such that you minimize your entropy and maximize your results; and what a beautiful feeling it is, when you feel all the atoms lining up just right, when you hit it right in the sweet spot and hear it go crack , that priceless moment of impact when the thing you’re trying to hit makes contact with the thing in your hands, the physical music of violence. He broke the ice into several smaller chunks, and then hammered it to a crumble with the rolling pin. Veronica was laughing so hard at Phil bashing the bag of ice with the rolling pin that she had to brace herself against the refrigerator. She had a bright, loud, pretty song of a laugh that set her massive breasts to quaking. She was gasping for air. Phil triumphantly poured the ice, now all crumbs and sand, into the blender, sent a burbling golden braid of mezcal in after it, then the Cointreau, then squeezed the halves of the limes that Veronica had earlier bisected on the cutting board into the ice and liquor, then affixed the lid of the blender and pressed the button that instantly filled the spacious white-walled house with its electric shudder, rattle, and roar, then gradually worked his way up the row of buttons, increasing the speed of the motor and the blades to whip the solution into a finer and finer slush. Veronica was on a laughing jag, her brain had come unhinged, she was sick with laughter and couldn’t stop, and now it seemed she was laughing at her own laughter, because there wasn’t anything funny anymore except for the fact that she was still laughing. Veronica’s hand fluttered to her chest, she struggled for air and flung jewels of water from the corners of her eyes with her fingers. She tried to force the laughter to die in her chest by putting on a “serious” face and willing herself to breathe normally. Phil slid a wedge of lime across the lips of the two margarita glasses, ground them upside down in a saucer of uniodized sea salt, set them on the counter, glooped the pale yellow frozen sludge into the shallow glasses, and pierced lime wedges onto their salt-speckled rims: margaritas. He handed one to Veronica. They were tchotchke margarita glasses made of thick Mexican hand-blown bubble glass, with green glass stems designed to look like the trunks of saguaro cacti, with appendages sticking out of their sides, crowned with tiny flowers of red glass.