Roddy Doyle - The Snapper

— Will it? said Jimmy Sr. — That’s very clever.

Veronica laughed. She couldn’t help it.

Tracy pounced.

— Can we keep it, Mammy? Can we?

— Alright, said Veronica.

Jimmy Sr beamed at her.

— When was the last time you brushed your teeth? she asked him.

— This mornin’!

— With Guinness, was it?

She looked at the twins.

— You’re to feed it, the two of you. — An’ it’s not to come into the house.

— The ’Malley’s dog had it, Linda told them. — He had loads o’ them.

— Can we get another one, Ma? One each.

— No!

— Aah.

— No.

— One’ll do yis, said Jimmy Sr. — Show us it here.

Linda handed the pup to Jimmy Sr.

Jimmy Jr walked back in.

— What’s tha’? A rat?

— It is not a rat, Jimmy Rabbitte, said Tracy. — It’s a dog.

— It’s a dog, righ’, said Linda.

It was warm and quivering. Jimmy Sr could feel its bones.

— Wha’ sort of a dog is it but? he asked.

— Black, said Tracy.

— Go ’way! said Jimmy Jr.

— I’m your new da, Jimmy Sr told it.

They all laughed.

— An’, look it. There’s your mammy makin’ the tea.

He made its paw wave at Veronica. Linda and Tracy were delighted. They couldn’t wait to do that.

— Give us it, said Linda, and she pulled at it.

— Easy! — for Jaysis sake, said Jimmy Sr. — You’ll break the poor little bastard.

He lifted it up by the skin at the back of its neck and looked under it.

— It’s a young fella, he told Veronica.

— Thank God, said Veronica.

— How do yeh know tha’? Tracy wanted to know.

— It’s written there. Look.

— It isn’t. — Where is it?

Then the pup puked on Jimmy Sr’s shoulder.

— Oh, look it, said Linda.

She tried to rub it off before her mammy saw it and changed her mind.

— Leave it, leave it, said Jimmy Sr. — What’re you laughin’ at?

— Nothin’ much, said Jimmy Jr.

— Put it in the back, said Veronica.

Jimmy Sr put the pup on the table so he could get to the sink and clean his shoulder. It stood there, rattling, its paws slipping on the formica, and pissed on it.

Tracy grabbed it and ran for the door and Jimmy Sr had the piss in a J-cloth and under the tap before Veronica had time to turn from the cooker to see what had happened.

Jimmy Sr studied his shoulder.

— That’s grand.

— Change it, said Veronica.

— Not at all, said Jimmy Sr. — It’s grand.

Tracy came back in with the pup clinging to the front of her jumper.

— Look it. He’s hangin’ on by himself.

— What’re yis goin’ to call him? Jimmy Sr asked.

— Don’t know.

— Wha’ abou’ Larry Gogan? said Jimmy Sr.

He looked across at Jimmy Jr, but Jimmy Jr didn’t know he was being slagged.

— That’s stupid, said Linda.

— It’s thick, said Tracy.

— No, it’s not, said Jimmy Sr. — Listen. How many—?

— Call him Anthrax, said Jimmy Jr.

— They will not, said Veronica.

— Look it, said Jimmy Sr when he’d stopped laughing. — If yis call him King or Sultan or somethin’ like tha’ an’ yis shout ou’ his name half the dogs in Barrytown’ll come runnin’ at yis; d’yeh see? But if yis call him Larry Gogan he’s the only one that’ll come to yis cos there’s not all tha’ many dogs called Larry Gogan as far as I know.

— It’s an excellent name, said Jimmy Jr.

The girls looked at each other.

— Okay, said Linda. — We were goin’ to call it Whitney.

— It’s a boy, said Jimmy Sr, laughing.

— Yeah.

— Your name’s Larrygogan, Tracy told the pup.

Larrygogan didn’t look all that impressed.

— Howyeh, Larrygogan.

— Will yis do a message for me, girls?

— Yeah, said Linda.

Jimmy Sr always paid them for messages.

— Get a choc-ice for your mammy—

— I want a Toblerone as well, said Veronica.

— Certainly, Veronica, said Jimmy Sr. — A choc-ice an’ a small Toblerone, an’ you can have choc-ices as well.

— Can we just have the money?

— No way. Choc-ices. An’, come here, I want to see yis eatin’ them.

— Not till they’ve had their tea, said Veronica.

— Did yis hear tha’? said Jimmy Sr. — An’ get one for Darren an’ as well.

— Wha’ abou’ me? said Jimmy Jr.

— Buy your own.

— Aaah! He’s gorgeous!

Sharon had just walked in and seen Larrygogan.

— There’s Sharon, said Jimmy Sr. — D’yeh want a choc-ice, Sharon?

— Yeah thanks, Daddy.

— A celery one, is it?

— Very funny, I don’t think.

Sharon patted Larrygogan.

— God, he’s only a skeleton.

— He’s from Ethiopia, said Jimmy Jr.

Jimmy Sr, Linda, Tracy and Sharon laughed but Veronica didn’t. They heard a bang from above them. The bunk beds in the boys’ room had hopped. Les and Darren were fighting.

— STOP THA’, Jimmy roared at the ceiling. — There.

He gave three pound notes to Linda.

— We’ll bring Larrygogan, said Tracy.

Sharon laughed.

— Is tha’ wha’ yis’re callin’ him?

— That’s righ’, said Jimmy Sr.

He winked at her.

— Don’t bring him, he told the twins. — He’ll have to have his shots. If yis bring him ou’ before he has his shots he’ll catch diseases.

— What’s shots?

— Injections.

— Ah no!

— They’re nice injections. They don’t hurt. They’ll tickle him. An’ annyway, if he doesn’t have them he’ll catch all sorts o’ diseases. An’ then Jimmy here’ll catch them off o’ him an’ give them to all his pals.

— I’ll wear a johnny, Jimmy Jr whispered to Sharon.

— Oh Jesus! Sharon laughed.

— Take it easy, said Jimmy Sr.

— Right, said Veronica. — Ready. Sharon, give me a hand here.

— Dash, girls, Jimmy Sr told the twins.

And they did.

And Larrygogan fell into the sink.

* * *

On the Tuesday morning after Larrygogan joined the family, in the middle of week eleven, Sharon got an awful fright when she was climbing out of bed, just waking up. Her period had started.

— Oh no! — Oh God—

She’d been robbed.

But then she remembered: she’d read in the book that this could happen. It wasn’t a real period. It probably wasn’t a real period.

She stayed at home in bed and waited. She lay there, afraid to move too much. She tried to remember the Hail Mary but she couldn’t get past Hello Be Thy Name, and anyway, she didn’t believe in it, not really; so she stopped trying to remember the rest of it. It was just something to do. She wanted to turn on her side but she was afraid to. She just lay there and she started saying Please please please please all the time to herself. She kept everything else out of her mind. She concentrated on that.

— Please please please please.

The book was right. It didn’t last long. It wasn’t the same. It wasn’t a real period at all. She was still pregnant.

* * *

— Aah! Jaysis!!

Veronica put the skirt on the table and got up to see what was wrong in the hall. But before she got to the door Jimmy Sr came hopping into the kitchen with one of his leather slippers in his hand.

— What happened? said Veronica.

— The dog’s after shitein’ in the fuckin’ hall an’ I fuckin’ stood in it, that’s wha’ happened.

— On the floor?

— No. On the fuckin’ ceilin’. Jesus!

He hopped over to the sink and put the slipper under the tap. Veronica came back from the hall.

— It’s comin’ off alrigh’, Jimmy Sr told her.