Roddy Doyle - The Snapper

— They get on very well, those two.

— I don’t know, said Jimmy Sr.

He sighed.

— You were exactly like him, said Veronica.

— Veronica, please. It’s been a rough day. Now, lay off.

— Remember that Crombie you had?

— No.

— You do so. You used to keep it spotless. Except for your dandruff.

— I didn’t have dandruff!

— Excuse me, you did so. My Uncle Bob used to say that we needed a Saint Bernard dog to find everyone after you’d been in the house.

Jimmy Sr laughed.

— He was an oul’ bollix, tha’ fella. A right oul’ bollix. I bought tha’ fucker a brandy at the weddin’, I did.

— Annyway, we didn’t have those special shampoos.

Timotei. So mild you can wash your hair as often as yeh like! As if yeh didn’t have better things to be doin’ than washin’ your fuckin’ hair all day. As often as yeh like!

— What happened that coat?

— I don’t know! I threw it ou’.

— You did not. After you bought it you stopped trying to get me to go into the fields with you. It was the best contraceptive ever invented, that coat.

— Veronica!

— That’s what they should give every young lad these days. A nice new coat.

Jimmy Sr laughed.

They said nothing for a while. Then Veronica spoke.

— Jimmy.

— Yes, Veronica?

— Do you not think—?—You’ll probably shout at me for saying it. — I think we should tell the twins that what Sharon did was wrong.

— Wha’?

— No, listen. I don’t want to turn them against her or anything—

— An’ the baby, remember.

— Yes, I know that. But—

— Wha’?

— I think we should tell them. Without, you know. We should tell them that they should only have babies when they’re married.

— They wouldn’t understand wha’ you were on abou’.

— Oh they would, you know.

— Maybe they would. — It’s a bit young but, isn’t it?

Wha’ were yeh thinkin’ o’ tellin’ them?

He was flicking fluff and specks off his jumper. That meant he was on his way out.

— Do you not think we should? Veronica asked him.

— Well, whatever you think yourself, Veronica, said Jimmy Sr. — They’d only laugh at me. I’m only their da. Anyway, it’d sound better comin’ from a woman, wouldn’t it? — Maybe leave it till they’re a bit older.

— But by then—

She couldn’t finish. There was no tidy way of saying what she thought. She gave up. Maybe she’d talk to Sharon about it.

Jimmy Sr was standing up, ready to go. But he didn’t want to leave Veronica unhappy.

— Times’ve changed, Veronica, he said.

— I suppose so, said Veronica. — But do we have to keep up with them?

Jimmy Sr didn’t like questions like that.

— D’yeh want to come? he asked Veronica.

— Ah no.

— Up to the bed?

— Mm; yeah.

— That’s the place. See yeh later.

— Bring your Crombie. It might rain. — Ha fuckin’ ha.

* * *

— How much did it cost yeh, Jackie? Yvonne asked.

She dipped two wetted fingers into her crisp bag and dredged it for crumbs.

— Fifteen pound, ninety-nine, said Jackie.

— Really? said Yvonne. — That’s brilliant, isn’t it?

— Is it hand wash, Jackie? said Mary.

— Yeah, it is.

— It’s very nice now.

— Thanks.

Yvonne wiped her fingers on the stool beside her.

Sharon saw this as she walked over to join them so she parked herself on the stool opposite Yvonne.

— Hiyis, she said.

— Hiyeh, Sharon.

— Ah howyeh, Sharon.

— Hiyis, said Sharon.

— Are they new, Sharon?

— No, not really.

A lounge boy was passing. Sharon stopped him.

— A vodka an’ a Coke, please, she said.

— Don’t bother abou’ the Coke, Sharon, said Jackie. — I’ve loads here, look it.

— Okay. Thanks, Jackie. A vodka just, she told the lounge boy.

— Anyway, Jackie, said Mary.

The real business of the night was starting.

— Will yeh be seein’ Greg again?

— Tha’ prick! said Jackie.

They laughed.

Jackie had given Greg the shove the Saturday before

— or so she said anyway — in one of those cafe places in the ILAC Centre, after he’d accused her of robbing the cream out of his chocolate eclair. — An’ I paid for the fuckin’ thing! she’d told them the night before.

She was in good form tonight as well. She tapped the table with her glass.

— If he was the last man on earth I wouldn’t go with him.

She took a fair sip from the glass.

— I’d shag the Elephant Man before I’d let him go near me again, the prick.

They roared.

— Yis should’ve seen him with that fuckin’ eclair. I was so embarrassed, I was scarleh, I’m not jokin’ yis, I was burnin’. In his leather jacket an’ his fuckin’ keys hangin’ off his belt, yeh know, givin’ the goo goo eyes to a fuckin’ eclair. It was pat’etic, it was.

— Were yeh goin’ to break it off annyway? Sharon asked her.

— Yeah, said Jackie. — I was thinkin’ about it alrigh’. I was givin’ the matter, eh, my serious consideration.

They laughed.

— Then when I saw him sulkin’; Jesus!

— He was very good lookin’ though, wasn’t he? said Yvonne. — Very handsome.

— Not really, said Jackie. — Not when yeh got up close to him. D’yeh know what I mean?

— Beauty is only skin deep, said Mary.

— It wasn’t even tha’ deep, Mary, Jackie told her. — He had loads o’ little spots on his chin. Tiny little ones now. Millions o’ them. You only noticed them when you were right up against him, an’ then you’d want to throw up.

— There was nothin’ under the leather jacket really.

That’s all he was now that I think of it.

Jackie sighed and took a slug from her glass.

— A leather jacket. — He was thick as well.

— Come here, Jackie, said Mary. — Was he passionate?

— No, said Jackie. — But he thought he was. Yeh know? He was just a big thick monkey.

— Lookin’ for somewhere to stick his banana, wha’, said Yvonne.

They screamed.

— Yvonne Burgess!

Sharon wiped her eyes.

— He stuck his tongue in me ear once, Jackie told them when they’d settled down again. — An’, I’m not jokin’ yis, I think he was tryin’ to get it out the other one. I don’t know what he fuckin’ thought I had in there.

She laughed with them.

— He licked half me brains ou’. Like a big dog, yeh know.

They roared.

Jackie waited.

— His sense o’ direction wasn’t the best either, d’yis know what I mean?

They roared again.

— Jesus!

— Jackie O’Keefe! You’re fuckin’ disgustin’!

— Wha’?

More vodkas and Cokes and a gin and a tonic were ordered. And crisps.

Then Sharon told them her bit of news.

— I’m pregnant, did I tell yis?

Mary laughed, but the others didn’t. Then Mary stopped.

— Yeah, well, said Sharon. — I am.

— She’s fuckin’ serious, said Yvonne.

No one said anything for a bit. Sharon couldn’t look anywhere. The others looked at one another, their faces held blank. Sharon picked up her glass but she was afraid to put it to her mouth.

Then Jackie spoke.

— Well done, Sharon, she said.

— Thanks, Jackie.

She put the glass down. She was starting to shake. Suddenly she couldn’t breathe in enough air to keep her going.

— Yeah, Sharon. Congrats, said Mary.

— Thanks, Mary.

— Well done, Sharon, said Yvonne. — Yeh thick bitch yeh.

Then they all started laughing. They looked at one another and kept laughing. Sharon was delighted. They were all blushing and laughing. The tears were running out of her and the snot would be as well in a minute. She took up her bag from the floor to look for a hankie.