Roddy Doyle: The Van

— No buts, said Jimmy Sr. — We can’t afford it, an’ that’s that. And, we’ve no place to put it—

— With the telly—

— Don’t interrupt me, righ’!

He was really angry, before he knew it; nearly out of his seat. It was happening a lot these days. He’d have to be careful. He stopped pointing at Linda.

— We’re not gettin’ one; end o’ story. Now I want to enjoy me dinner. For a change.

Linda raised her eyes to heaven and shifted a bit in her chair, and thought about walking out of the kitchen in protest, but she stayed. She was hungry.

So was Gina, Sharon’s little young one.

— Shut up, Sharon told her. — Wait.

She put the chips in front of Gina, then lifted them away.

— Now, if yeh throw them around, Sharon warned her, — I’ll take them back off yeh, d’yeh hear me?

Gina screamed.

— An’ Grandad’ll eat them on yeh. Isn’t tha’ righ’, Grandad?

— Wha’? said Jimmy Sr. — Chips, is it? Come here, I’ll eat them now.

He leaned over to Gina’s chair.

— Give us them here. Lovely.

Gina screamed, and grabbed the plate. Sharon managed to keep the chips on the plate but got ketchup on her hand.

— Ah, bloody—

— Buddy! said Gina.

Sharon wiped her hand on Gina’s bib.

The Rabbittes got dug into their dinners.

— Lovely, said Jimmy Sr.

Tracy had an announcement.

— There’s a piece o’ paper hangin’ up in the toilet an’ yis are all to put a tick on it every time yis flush the toilet.

— Wha’? said Jimmy Sr.

Darren came in.

— Good man, Darren, said Jimmy Sr. — Were yeh watchin’ abou’ the Berlin Wall there?

— Yeah, said Darren as he sat down.

— Terrific, isn’t it? said Jimmy Sr.

— Yeah, said Darren.

Jimmy Sr wondered, again, why Darren wouldn’t talk to him properly any more.

— Darren, said Tracy. — Every time yeh flush the toilet you’re to put a tick on the paper hangin’ up on the wall.

— What’s this abou’? Jimmy Sr still wanted to know.

— There’s a biro for yeh to do it in the glass with the toothbrushes, Tracy told them.

— Okay, said Darren.

— Hang on, said Jimmy Sr. — What are we to do? Exactly. Tracy raised her eyes.

— Jesus, she said to Linda.

— Don’t Jesus me, you, said Jimmy Sr. — An’ anyway, that’s a curse. Swearbox.

— It’s not a curse, said Tracy. — It’s a name.

— Not the way you said it, said Jimmy Sr.

He picked up the marmalade jar with the slit in its lid and rattled it in front of her. The swearbox had been his idea, to force him to clean up his act in front of the baby.

— Come on, he said.

— I haven’t anny money, said Tracy.

— Yeh have so, said Linda.

— Fuck—

— Ah ah! said Jimmy Sr. — Double.

Veronica took over.

— That’s the last time you’ll use language like that in this house, she told Tracy. — D’you hear me? And you as well, she told Linda.

— I didn’t say ann‘thin’! said Linda.

— You know what I mean, said Veronica. — It’s disgraceful; I’m not having it. In front of Gina.

Gina was busy with her chips.

— That’s righ‘, said Jimmy Sr. — Yis know how quickly she’s pickin’ up things.

— I on’y said Jesus, said Tracy very quietly, standing up for her rights.

— I didn’t say ann‘thin’, said Linda.

— You’re becoming a right pair of—

Veronica didn’t finish. She stared at them, then looked away.

— Bitches, said Sharon. — If Gina starts usin’ dirty language I’ll kill yis.

— I didn’t say ann‘thin’, Linda told her plate.

Jimmy Sr studied the piece of burger on his fork.

— Eh, he said. — Should it be this colour?

— Yes! said Veronica.

— Fair enough, said Jimmy Sr. — Just askin’.

He chewed and swallowed.

— Second time we’ve had these yokes this week, he said, sort of to himself.

Veronica let her knife and fork rattle off her plate. Jimmy Sr didn’t look at her.

— Anyway, he asked Tracy, — why am I to put a tick on this piece o’ paper when I go to the jacks?

— It’s for school, said Tracy, as if he was some sort of a thick. — Geog’aphy.

— Wha‘ has goin’ to the jacks got to do with geography?

— I don’t know, said Tracy. — Somethin’ to do with water. Miss Eliot says we’re to do it.

— Why does Miss Eliot want to know how often I have a—

— Swearbox! said Linda.

— Starebock! said Gina.

— I didn’t say it, said Jimmy Sr.

He turned back to Tracy.

— Why does she want to know how often I use the toilet facilities?

— Not just you, said Tracy. — All of us have to.

— Why?

— Geog’aphy.

— It’s to see how much water all the class uses, Linda told him.

— Why? Darren asked.

— I don’t know! said Linda. — It’s thick. She’s useless. Tracy’s to do the toilet an’ I’m to do the sink an’ the washin’ machine but I’m not goin’ to. It’s thick.

— Is that your homework? said Veronica.

— Yeah, said Linda.

— Then you’re to do it.

Linda said nothing.

— I’d still like to know wha’ Miss Eliot wants with all this information, said Jimmy Sr. — She might blackmail us; wha’, Darren?

— Yeah. — Yeah.

— The Rabbittes go to the jacks twice as much as everyone else, wha’. She’ll want to know how often we change our underwear next; wait an’ see.

— Stop that, said Veronica. — It’s their homework.

Darren was beginning to grin, so Jimmy Sr continued.

— Anv after tha’ we’ll find bits ov paper stuck up beside the beds, wha’.

— Stop!

Darren laughed. And so did Jimmy Sr. He spoke to Gina.

— We’d run ou’ of paper if we had to tick off every time you go to the jacks, wouldn’t we, Honey?

Gina threw a chip at him, and hit. He pretended he was dying. Sharon picked up the chip before the dog, Larrygogan, got to it and she made Gina eat it.

— There, she said.

But Gina didn’t mind.

— Do you not do maps and stuff like that? Veronica asked Linda and Tracy.

— No, said Linda. — Sometimes only.

— Nearly never, said Tracy.

Veronica shrugged.

Jimmy Sr belched.

— Lovely dinner, Veronica, he said.

— You liked those yokes, did you? said Veronica.

— They were grand, said Jimmy Sr. — Much nicer than the ones yeh get in the chipper or the shops.

— Yeah, well, said Veronica. — When I start getting some proper money again you won’t see them so often.

— No no, said Jimmy Sr. — They’re grand.

They looked at each other.

Then Gina dropped her plate on Larrygogan.

— Ah Jesus, said Sharon.

— Starebock! said Gina.

Jimmy Sr stood on some chips when he was trying to wipe the ketchup off Larrygogan.

— Ah Jaysis—

— Starebock!

And Sharon slapped her.

— Ah leave her, leave her, said Jimmy Sr. — It’s only chips.

— She does it on purpose.

Gina started some serious screaming. Sharon wanted to kill her, but only for a second. She lifted her out of her chair and rocked her. But Gina wasn’t impressed.

— Jive Bunny, Gina, said Jimmy Sr. — Look it.

— OH—

He started twisting.

— Look at Grandad, Gina, said Sharon.

— LET’S TWIST AGAIN—

LIKE WE DID LAST Jaysis!

He slid on a chip and nearly went on his arse, saved by the table. Gina stopped screaming, to watch. Jimmy Sr, steadying himself and taking off his shoe, looked at Gina and sniffed victory. But Gina was getting ready to start again; he could tell by the way her cheeks were twitching.