Roddy Doyle - The Van

— D’yeh want a note for the teacher? he asked Darren.

— He does not, said Veronica.

— No, said Darren. — I don’t mind. It might stop.

— That’s very true.

Darren got back to his book and his breakfast. Jimmy Sr picked up his knife and fork.

— Wha’ have we here? he said.

Darren kept reading. Veronica was busy. So he just chopped a bit of sausage off, put it on a piece of toast, closed the toast over on it and bit into it. The marge was lovely and warm.

The twins came in.

— You’re to sign this, Linda told Jimmy Sr.

— Get back upstairs and get that stuff off, said Veronica.

— Ah, Mammy—

— Go on! — You too, she told Tracy.

Tracy followed Linda out into the hall.

— It’s not fair! they heard Linda.

— Wha’ was tha’ abou’? Jimmy Sr wanted to know.

— They were wearing eye-shadow, said Veronica.

— Oh.

— They were sent home last week for having it on, said Veronica.

— It’s crazy, said Darren. — It’s pitiful.

Jimmy Sr wasn’t sure.

— They’re a bit young, he said.

— Sixth years aren’t allowed to have it on either, Darren told Jimmy Sr.

— Ah then, said Jimmy Sr. — Then you’re righ’, Darren. That’s just stupid.

— It’s a school rule, said Veronica.

— That’s right as well, o’ course, said Jimmy Sr.

Darren was standing up, putting his book marker carefully into place so it wouldn’t fall out.

— If everybody had that attitude, he said, — nothing would ever change.

Jimmy Sr didn’t know what to do. He liked hearing Darren talk like that, but he was being cheeky as well; to his mother. There was something about the way Darren spoke since his voice broke that left Jimmy Sr confused. He admired him, more and more; he was a great young fella; he was really proud of him, but he thought he felt a bit jealous of him as well sometimes; he didn’t know. Anyway, he wasn’t going to be let talk like that to his mother. That was out.

But the twins were back.

— You’re to sign this.

Linda had spoken to him.

— Wha’?

— Here.

— Yeah, said Jimmy Sr. — Why but?

He took Linda’s homework journal from her.

— Don’t know, said Linda. — You’re to just sign it.

Jimmy Sr looked at the cover; Big Fun, Wet Wet Wet, Brother Beyond, Tracy loves Keith. He looked at the back; Linda loves Keith.

— Lucky Keith, he said. — Where am I to sign?

Linda took the journal and found the right page.

— Here, she said.

There was a page for each week, divided into sections for subject, homework and teachers’ comments.

— You don’t have to read them, said Linda.

— Homework not done, Jimmy Sr read. — Persisted in talking. — Homework not done. Cheeky. Stabbed student with compass. — Homework should be done at home.

He looked up.

— Fuckin’ hell, he said. — An’ that’s only Monday.

— Let me see, said Veronica. — My God.

Linda pointed at one of the comments.

— I wasn’t cheeky. She just said I was but I wasn’t. An’ he — tha’ one there — he hit me with his ruler so I had to get him back but she didn’t see him hittin’ me, she on’y seen—

— Saw, said Veronica.

— She only saw me gettin’ him with the compass. An’ I did not stab him. I on’y—

— Shut up! said Jimmy Sr.

He looked at Veronica.

— Give us a pen, he said to Linda. — Where’s your journal till I see it, he said to Tracy.

— It’s in school, said Tracy.

— Why’s tha’?

— A teacher kept it.

— Why?

— He just did.

Jimmy Sr looked at Veronica again.

— You’re grounded, he told the twins. — The two o’ yis. He saw Parent’s Signature, and signed the dotted line.

— Till when? said Tracy.

— Till I say so, said Jimmy Sr. — Who told yeh to get me to sign this?

— Miss McCluskey.

— Elephant Woman, said Darren, on his way out.

— Don’t start now, said Jimmy Sr.

He stared the twins out of it.

— I’m warnin’ yis, he said. — If one o’ yis laughs I’ll tan your arses for yis.

Tracy started; she couldn’t keep it in. And that got Linda going.

— Here, said Jimmy Sr.

He walloped her with the journal, but not too hard.

— I’m checkin’ your homework every nigh’, d‘yeh hear me. An’—

He shouted after them.

— if I see anny more bad comments I’ll—

The front door slammed.

— crucify yis! — The pair o’ them’ll be pushin’ buggies before they’re fifteen.

— Oh God, said Veronica. — Don’t.

He looked at Veronica, carefully.

— I’ll check their eccers every nigh‘, don’t worry. An’ we won’t let them out at all after their tea, an’ that’ll sort them ou’, wait an’ see, Veronica. Fair enough?

— Okay.

— I’ll do everythin’. I’ll even sleep in the same bed as them.

— Jesus, said Veronica. — We’ve enough trouble in the house without that as well.

Jimmy Sr laughed.

— Good girl, he said. — An’ you can sleep with Darren. How’s tha’?

He loved the breakfasts. Pity they went so quick.

He got up.

Where was Gina?

— No rest for the wicked, he said.

— They’re not real computers annyway, sure they’re not.

— Not at all, said Veronica. — They’re only toys.

Jimmy Sr and Veronica were doing a bit of Christmas shopping. It was Thursday morning and more than three weeks to go, so Donaghmede Shopping Centre — where they were — wasn’t too bad, not too crowded. They hadn’t really said it, but they were looking for things that looked good and cost nothing. It reminded Jimmy Sr of when he was a kid and he used to walk along with his head down and pray, really pray, that he’d find money on the path, and he’d close his eyes turning a corner and then open them and there’d be nothing on the ground in front of him.

— And they’re very bad for your eyes, said Veronica.

— Is tha’ righ’? said Jimmy Sr. — Oh yeah; I read somethin’ abou’ tha’ somewhere, I think. — Ah well, then. We’d be mad to get one for them.

They’d just been looking at the computers in a window. They were for nothing, dirt cheap; great value they looked. You linked them into the telly and then you could play all kinds of games on them. Jimmy Sr had played Space Invaders once, years ago; only the once, so he hadn’t really got the hang of it, but he’d enjoyed himself. These things looked better; more colours and varieties. It would have been good to have one at home, a bit of gas. And, as well as that, it was a computer, after all; there were probably other things you could do with them, not just play games. Only they couldn’t afford one of the fuckin’ things. Last year now, last year they’d have bought—

— Sure, who’d we give it to? said Veronica.

— The twins. I suppose.

— They wouldn’t be interested, said Veronica. — They’d hate you if you gave them one of them.

She laughed.

— I’d love to see the look on their faces if they thought they were getting a computer game for Christmas.

Jimmy Sr laughed as well now.

— Yeah, he said. — I just thought they looked the business, yeh know. Darren?

— He’d be insulted.

She was right.

— You’d be the only one who’d use it, said Veronica.

He made himself smile.

— True, he said.

— We’ll get you an Airfix instead, said Veronica.

It was crying alright; she was crying.

Jimmy Sr was outside Sharon’s room. He’d come up for his book.

Sharon snuffled.

Jimmy Sr held the door handle. He was going to go in.