Charlotte Rogan - Now and Again

She watched from the sidewalk as Lyle slammed the truck into gear and roared off, before making her way up the steps to the employee entrance.

“That looks good,” said Louis, who was manning the scanner.

“Snacks for tomorrow’s big game,” said Maggie.

“Well, save some of those cookies for me.”

When everyone had left at the end of the day, Maggie made her way to the basement to clear out the two burgeoning fictitious files. She stuffed the folders into the paper grocery bags and covered them up with some of the snacks. She felt like a secret agent as she used a box cutter to remove the pages of a magazine she had bought to use as a false cover for the draft legislation. But first she had to copy it. The copier had already been turned off for the weekend, so she went into the alcove and flipped the switch. Since the machine was slow to warm up, she decided to make one last visit to Tomás. It took her almost no time at all to clear security, so she was already sitting on one of the folding chairs when Tomás shuffled into the visitors’ room.

“What’s going on?” he cried. “This isn’t your usual day!”

“I wanted to tell you I won’t be here next week,” said Maggie.

“Are you going on vacation?”

“Yes,” said Maggie. “I am.” She had brought a package of cookies with her, and now she held it up. After that, there seemed to be nothing to talk about, partly because there were no math problems to solve and partly because Tomás didn’t launch into his usual litany of complaints. He looked sheepish, almost like a schoolboy in front of a new teacher, causing Maggie to wonder what was up. Soon enough, however, Tomás peered out from under his eyebrows in the wheedling way he had, but instead of wincing as if someone was about to kick his shin or pull his chair out from under him, he seemed to be trying to hide how happy he was.

“What is it?” asked Maggie. “You seem happy today!”

“I brought you something. You’re always giving me things, and I wanted to give you something in return.”

Maggie had noticed that Tomás was sitting with one arm behind his back, and now he swung it around with a flourish. “Ta-da! I made it!” He set a lump of glazed clay on the table between them and grinned expectantly at Maggie. When she only stared at the object in confusion, Tomás carefully took the halves apart to reveal a hollow where some very small keepsake could be hidden. “It’s for your dresser at home,” he said. “I’ll bet Lyle has given you some piece of jewelry you cherish. Now you have a place to keep it!”

Maggie was not sure what to say, but Tomás was rattling on. “It’s not obvious that this is a container, so if thieves come into your house to steal your valuables, they probably won’t notice and your present from your husband will be safe.”

Maggie was speechless and a little appalled, but Tomás jabbered on about possible uses for his gift.

“Or it could hold a lock of a loved one’s hair,” he said. “Who would you choose — Lyle or Will?”

Maggie didn’t like it when Tomás mentioned her family, and now she interpreted his gift as a means of inserting himself into their home — into her very bedroom — by enveloping a present to her from Lyle with a present of his own.

“Thank you, Tomás,” she said, but she knew the words didn’t sound heartfelt, and when she dragged her eyes up from the ceramic object to meet his, it took her an extra second to make them sparkle with the delight he was expecting and she wished she could feel. She recalled how she would set the treasures Will brought home from school in a place of honor and how she would tell him they were the most remarkable things she had ever seen. It was clear Tomás was expecting something like that now, and there was an awkward silence while she tried to think of what to say.

As she was deciding between the words “imaginative” and “unique,” Tomás said, “I like your sweater.”

“Thank you!”

“Where did you get it?”

“My goodness,” said Maggie. “I can’t remember.” The birthday sweater was far too big for her, and she had only worn it because it covered up the sexy blouse she was wearing in order to distract Hugo when she left with the files. But now she felt defensive on her family’s behalf and didn’t want to let on to Tomás that they would buy her something so ill fitting and drab.

“I wish I had one like it,” said Tomás.

Tomás was small. The sweater wouldn’t fit him any better than it fit Maggie, and it was rude of him to basically ask for it outright. Still, she knew she wouldn’t be seeing him again, and she would be taking the sweater off in a few minutes anyway in preparation for her confrontation with Hugo. Perhaps it would be a way to buy him off — though exactly why she needed to buy Tomás off, she wasn’t sure. Adding to her guilt was the knowledge that in all these months at the prison, she hadn’t accomplished anything significant — all she had succeeded in doing was to flirt with a security guard and develop the same sense of superiority she had criticized in Valerie. So she unbuttoned the sweater and said as solemnly as she could, “I want you to have it, Tomás. It’s obviously too big for me, but I think it would fit you just fine.”

Tomás didn’t smile very often, but now it looked as if his cheekbones would pop right through the skin. He hugged the sweater to his chest and beamed at her over the plastic tabletop.

“I’m glad you like it, but that’s not even your real present,” said Maggie. “The thing I wanted to tell you is that I’ve sent your file to an appellate attorney who is going to review all of the evidence. I can’t promise that anything will come of it — in fact, it probably won’t. But at least we’ve taken the first step. We’ll just have to wait and see where it goes.”

Tomás fidgeted in his seat, taking her words in. “That’s a pretty big present,” he said. “But you know, don’t you, that if they hadn’t gotten me for running away that day, they would have gotten me for something else.”

“You might as well give up right now if you’re going to think like that. Promise me you’ll practice being optimistic.”

“Okay,” said Tomás. “Anything for you.”

“There’s one thing you can do for me,” said Maggie. “You can tell me about solitary confinement. Do they even do that here?”

“I’m not allowed to say.”

“Why ever not?” asked Maggie.

“It’s the rules, that’s all.”

“But who would know if you told me?”

For an answer, Tomás made a zippering motion by drawing his finger across his lips.

“Have it your way,” said Maggie. Then she repeated that she was going away for a little while, but she’d come to see him when she got back.

When she left him, Tomás was staring straight ahead with his mouth open and tears leaking from the corners of his eyes. He raised one of his hands in her direction before letting it fall back into his lap. Maggie knew from the PATH woman that appeals were a long shot, but it was something, and probably the best she could do for now. As she walked back to her office, she was filled with a kind of love for Tommy. But then she thought about the flypaper and the thousands of human flies who were stuck to it, and she hurried back through security to finish what she had started all those months ago.

Her thoughts were racing as she turned down the corridor that led to the director’s office, so it took her a moment to realize that the office wasn’t empty. Valerie was standing in the open space between the desks. Her hands were on her hips, and her eyes were fixed on Maggie’s desktop, where the draft legislation was waiting for the copy machine to warm up.