Elisa Albert - After Birth

“I saw a newborn babe with wild wolves all around it,” she sings softly, emphasis on “wild wolves” the way Dylan does it in this one exquisite slow live bootleg someone gave me once, gravelly voice sliding up and down that line.

And apparently there’s something hilarious about all of it, because now she’s giggling.

Listen I’m trying pretty hard not to go nuts here and I know it’s not really your problem like at all but I haven’t slept very much in like a long time it feels like and I really don’t know what the fuck to do, I mean the doctor’s like “he’s fine!” but he’s not fine, you fucking cocksucker. Obviously he’s not fine! Doctor says “give him some formula if you’re concerned.” But I’m not giving him fucking formula, fucking prick! He nursed for nine hours yesterday. I kept track. I was sitting in that chair for nine fucking hours, on and off! Nine hours! I had no idea my nipples could hurt this much! And I used to enjoy light S & M! When he latches I can feel it in my eyeballs! Everyone keeps telling me to give the kid a bottle. Give the kid a bottle, give the kid a bottle! I am not giving this fucking kid a fucking bottle! I just birthed him in a fucking bathtub! I am not giving him fucking powder poison cow sugar processed fucking gross Nestlé Africa atrocity sludge! I’m sorry! This is my baby! I am not giving him a bottle! Fuck you very much!

She’s trembling the way you do when you’ve forgotten how to breathe and it hasn’t yet dawned on you that you’re not breathing.

Baby lets out a wail like the seed of all suffering, and I’m starting to feel a little stressed out myself. That is a seriously hungry baby. My confidence in this matter fills me with a sudden immense pride. That is one hungry-ass baby.

Okay. Let’s take a deep breath . I demonstrate: in, out, make her meet my eyes. I completely, completely get it and it’s going to be okay. Have you eaten anything?

I don’t know. Not really. I’m not hungry. I’m not fucking giving him formula, you know? I’m not. Pay attention to what they tell you to forget!

Okay , I say. Okay.

Please stop saying that.

Okay. Sorry.

That’s Muriel Rukeyser. “Pay attention to what they tell you to forget.” You know her?

I think so.

She’s great.

Okay.

She tries to nurse again. Breast implants were originally modeled on nursing ones, interestingly enough.

Maybe slide your arm under him a little more, wait, here. Like this. Yeah. So you bring him kind of more straight on. There. Is that better?

It’s hideously not better.

I know. It really hurts in the beginning.

I mean, is that, like, it? “It hurts in the beginning”? It’s just excruciating, the end? It’s supposed to be excruciating? Because it would be nice if I had known anything whatsoever about this before ten fucking days ago, you know? She picks up her phone, throws it down again. Fucking MIA celebrity midwife bitchrag from hell . Zev is working hard as he can on her, really concentrating, but it’s not working. He’s frustrated and she’s in agony.

First things first. The pantry. Jerry’s fancy Italian dried pasta. Slice and serve an apple while the water boils. Cover the noodles with butter, salt, pepper, grated parmesan, set it down before her. Then I move in right up close, adjust pillows, fold my legs under me, and wait.

Shhh , she sniffles unconvincingly, scarfing the apple. Shh, shh, shh. It’s okay. It’s gonna be okay. Okay? It’s gonna be okay. Okay? Okay. Okay .

The word okay like a dog treat your consciousness lobs over into the snarling storm of your subconscious. Okay, okay, okay. It’s gonna be okay. Okay? Okay? Okay, okay.

But he’s wailing again, so hard I can feel it in my own tits again.

Right: my tits.

Obviously: my tits.

My girls. My pups.

Listen , I say. Can I have him?

She’s confused, but I hold my arms out and nod slowly until she understands. I move so our thighs touch, and take him.

Hello, human seashell. Not Walker. A different baby, new squashed tangle for a face. Tiny gums gleaming as he wails.

Mina goes to town on the pasta.

I lay Zev out on my legs, red-faced and furious, while I liberate my right one.

She’s so busy inhaling that pasta, she doesn’t register. I look to her for some kind of okay. She stops eating.

You don’t have AIDS or anything, do you? People are forever saying dumb things at profound moments; it’s the human condition.

No.

She goes back to inhaling the pasta. It’s like she’s never had pasta.

He’s not choosy; he’s goddamn hungry. Not the best latch, indeed. Ouch. But there’s time, he can learn. Plenty of time, nothing but. He pulls off for a second, the abundance a surprise, and right away he’s searching for me again, mouth ajar, panting. Opens wide. Gulp, gulp. Relaxes into me, eyes closed. The whole room goes all melty. Problem solved. All peaceful and blossomy, like after a good first kiss. Unfold. Bask. I remember this. I can do this. Nothing for her to do but watch.

So yeah, I got cut, but thankfully we got the boob thing right. They wheeled the baby to me in one of those plastic bins. An obstetrical nurse from the NICU followed, her name tag an island in an expanse of bosom. DONNA KENDRICK, RN.

Now listen, honey pie. Here’s the deal. Might be tough going in the beginning, but you’ll get the hang. And little man here will get the hang, won’t you, love bug, and soon you’ll be off to the races together. Nothing so easy once you get the hang. You just had a rough start, you guys, but that’s over now. Okay? All right. So this is gonna be great. Let’s give it a whirl, lemme see what you got. Okay, no, see, you want to bring him straight on, just straight on, give him a good angle so he can do his part. Now does that hurt? Good. It shouldn’t hurt. If it hurts, that’s a bad latch. A bad latch is no good. A bad latch is bad. So many people, they got a bad latch and they throw up their hands, say it’s impossible. They give up. We don’t want that. Nothing’s so simple once you got the hang. I got four boys, I come up to here on them now. Okay, let’s give him another minute like this and then try him out on the other side. Hurts? No. Good. Today you just want to get the gist. This is practice time for you and him; milk’s gonna really hit tomorrow, so if you get today right, you’ll be off to the races. You just got a look like something hurts. Something hurt? Don’t be shy. Right, right, so the trick is we want his lower lip sort of folded open wide as can be, like that, yeah, you see? Yeah, you got it, little man. We’re just gonna keep on making sure you get it right, you guys, and by tomorrow you’ll be all set, really good to go. Just takes a little practice, a little patience. Okay, let’s switch him. Little practice, little patience. Here we go, okay, round two, hey, look at you guys! Perfect. That’s good. Good, good. By the time you go home you’re gonna be experts. That’s what we want. Good. Then you’ll be able to enjoy each other. You’re going to enjoy each other, you and him, believe me, I swear. You just got a look like you don’t believe me. It’s a rough road, the C. Not how it’s supposed to go. Between you and me these assholes like to know how it’s gonna go, so they make it go how they know. Sell it to you like they saved the goddamn day. Aw, honey, ’course you don’t feel so good after that. Trust me, this is just the start. You got a great little boy. It’s all uphill from here. Or downhill. You know what I mean. I got four boys, I mentioned. All of ’em got boys of their own now. I got eight grandboys! I can’t do nothin’ but boys. And will you look at this beautiful boy you got! I know a lot about boys. Still hurting? Yeah, it’s not always so comfortable right away. What’s his name? Walker, huh? I like that. I like that a lot. That’s a fine name. Well, you guys are looking just great. This looks all right. Feeling all right? It’s gonna take a little getting used to. No doubt. For you and him, both. Practice, patience. No rush. You just take it easy, he’ll do this thing, and you’re gonna get to know each other just great, believe me.