Unai Elorriaga - Plants Don't Drink Coffee

But afterwards we had another problem with the red beetle. A bigger problem. It didn’t want to go to sleep. Because Iñes puts all the insects to sleep before pinning them to the corkboard. She soaks a cotton ball in a blue liquid and puts it inside the jar. The insects smell the liquid and fall asleep. It’s easier to pin them to the corkboard like that; because you have to pin them with needles and it’s not easy to pin an insect with a needle if it’s moving. Besides, it would be too painful. That’s why Iñes puts the insects to sleep. They do the same with people in hospitals.

But Iñes says she’s going to wake them all up again when we finish the job. And she’ll remove the needles. And she’ll take them back to the ponds again. But some insects sleep a lot, because we caught some butterflies and some grasshoppers ten days ago, or maybe a hundred days ago, and they are still asleep on the corkboard. And that’s odd and also incredible. But the red beetle doesn’t want to sleep. And that’s odd too, because the other insects fall asleep in five minutes with that liquid. Iñes says we are going to leave it like that all night, and we’ll see tomorrow and we’ll put it on the corkboard then.

Insects are not like people. I have noticed that. Some insects don’t have homes, but they live well. Though others don’t have homes and live badly. For some insects, dogs are their homes. All insects have a head and some legs, like people do, and that’s a fact. Some have lots of legs.

Uncle Simon is making a rugby field. With Gur. Gur is a man who is always walking around the streets. Gur is always telling stories. Sometimes he tells stories that have really happened, and other times he tells stories that haven’t happened. And when Gur talks, nobody can tell what has really happened and what hasn’t really happened. Gur says that years ago he played with the Irish rugby team and scored more points than anyone, and thanks to him Ireland won. But Uncle Simon says that Gur has never touched a rugby ball in his life. Gur is always talking about things that nobody has seen. And sometimes he has three children and sometimes none, and other times he has two twin daughters.

Ireland’s rugby stadium is called Lansdowne Road. All rugby stadiums have their own names. Uncle Simon often repeats stadium names; he likes saying the stadium names. That’s why I have learned them by heart, all of them, the stadium names. The Ireland one is Lansdowne Road and the others are

Wales Arms Park England Twickenham France Parc des Princes Scotland Murrayfield

Those are all the names, and Ireland’s is Lansdowne Road. Uncle Simon often repeats the stadium names. Now I do too. I tell them to Ismael. Because Ismael watches rugby matches too, on TV, of course. Afterwards we place bets, to see who’s going to win the championship. They call the championship the Five Nations. That’s the name of the championship, and Ismael always bets on France, because Serge Blanco plays for France. I always bet on Scotland. Ismael is skinnier than me.

Uncle Simon is making a rugby field. That’s why my cousin Mateo and Ball brought the four sacks yesterday. There was lime in the sacks, and the lime is for painting the lines of the rugby field, because you can’t paint grass with normal paint, because grass is alive. Lime is dust, white dust, and you can’t throw it at people, because it would burn them. But you can throw it at grass, and at soccer fields as well, to paint the lines and the corners.

Uncle Abel brought the lime in his truck. Because Uncle Simon asked him to. Uncle Abel says Uncle Simon is crazy. Because he wants to make a rugby field. On a golf course. “You’re crazy,” Uncle Abel tells Uncle Simon. Uncle Abel doesn’t understand why Uncle Simon wants a rugby field. On a golf course. “Patience,” is always Uncle Simon’s answer, and then he tells him he will soon see why he wants to make a rugby field, and he tells him to be patient. Uncle Abel is not happy with this answer and tells him he’ll end up in the dungeon, Simon, in the dungeon. Uncle Abel always says “dungeon” twice. Then he says “You’re crazy, Simon.” But he brought the lime, four sacks of it, to paint the lines.

We play soccer a lot, with Ismael and Dolfo. Dolfo is no good at soccer, but he can run a lot. Ismael says that Dolfo never gets tired, that he is some kind of alien, Dolfo is, because he never gets tired, not even when it’s hot. Because sometimes it’s very hot in summer.

We play soccer on the field at Eldo. Our school is San Fausto, but we play soccer at Eldo. They call that school “Juan Bautista Eldo School,” but we just call it “Eldo.” We play soccer there, because their field is closer to our house and because their playground is always open.

There is a soccer field at Eldo, a cement one. And there are houses on both sides and in front and back of it; some of them are big, but many are small, and the ball often lands on their roofs. Of the small houses, of course. When that happens we have to climb up to rescue the ball. Up on the roofs. And that’s what I like, to climb up places. I like that better than soccer. Or maybe the same. I like to climb up places, but only when it’s difficult. I don’t like to climb up the stairs or up a hill. That’s easy. I like to climb up roofs, using my hands and feet, and to go up walls, and fences. Because that isn’t easy. Because you have to figure out what’s the best way up and how to do it and how not to fall.

Dolfo almost never climbs up to the roofs. Bistu won’t either. But that’s normal, because Bistu doesn’t like soccer and so why would he want to rescue the ball? Sometimes Ismael climbs up. I always do. Quicker than Dolfo and quicker than Ismael.

And then there is a long pole at Eldo. To put flags up. Before, there used to be three, but now only one. Ismael says it’s ten meters tall and it’s called a “mast.” Dolfo says it’s twenty meters long or maybe a little less. And we have a bet on that because no one has climbed the pole all the way to the top yet. Because it’s difficult. Because it’s slippery. Especially when we’ve been playing soccer, because our hands are sweaty. And you can’t climb up the mast with wet hands, because it’s slippery.

Sometimes we start climbing when our hands are dry. We start climbing the mast, and I go first, but there’s always somebody at Eldo. The school guard, a policeman, or one of the women who live in the street. And they always say, Get down from there, kid. And they always say, Jesus! And they always say, You’ll crack your head open.

You can’t play soccer at Eldo at night. Or if it’s raining. You can if it’s windy, but not with a plastic ball.

Having a spoonful of lime dust for breakfast is just like having a piece of telephone wire for breakfast. This means that lime is not something you eat, but something you use to mark lines in sports fields. This is why Simon asked his brother Abel for four sacks of it, to paint the rugby field. But Simon and Gur couldn’t bring the four sacks to the golf course alone, so they asked for Mateo’s help. And Mateo asked Ball, and so the four of them went to the golf course, Simon, Gur, Mateo and Ball, with the four sacks, a ladder and the line-marking machine. It was night, eleven thirty and still warm, and they could see everything quite clearly, except the flies.

Gur to Ball: “You went to the seminary, didn’t you?”