Claire Kilroy: The Devil I Know

The surface of the sea was ruckled black and silver. Like life, I remember thinking, for in my heated state of mind everything reflected my predicament. The surface of the sea was like life: an overwhelming, unending onslaught of peaks and troughs, but silence and darkness if you let yourself go under. As I had gone under once before. And must never go under again. ‘It’s late,’ I said, looking at my watch.

‘Ah get a life, Castler, it’s not that late. Plenty a time for sleeping when you’re dead. You’re not in the grave yet. Though we all heard ya were. I suppose it was kinda odd that there was no funeral. If you had of been dead, you’d of had a funeral. I only just thought a that now. I’d of went along. Signed me name in the buke an that.’

‘You’re too kind.’

‘Ah fuck off ya smart arse. You always were such a smart arse. Sit back and chillax there for a minute. Sure, in the good old days we’d of been down here all night. Drinking until dawn. Best days a me life.’

Engine rise, engine fall, engine rise, engine fall as Hickey turned memories over in his head. He swilled back another snifter and smiled at some recollection. Ahhhhh . He had entered the first stage of inebriation, which is perfect, just perfect; it is heaven. That mellow, impeccable stage when nothing can harm you. The log fire is crackling away on the inside and you are safe in your warm little snug. I’d have given my right arm to feel that way again. But I couldn’t give my life.

Engine rise, engine fall, rise, fall. ‘Mad when you think that if they hadn’t built the pier, we’d of been in the sea right now. We’d of been sitting at the bottom a the ocean like a right pair a fucken eejits. Isn’t that mad, Castler?’

I stared ahead. Why had he dragged me out here to listen to this nonsense? Halfway down the pier where no one could see us except the fish heads. The fish heads, the crab claws, the lobster shells and all the other gutted creatures. I suppose I fitted right in. A hollow man, a human shell. Why did my wife call you this morning? Because she’s worried sick, and so am I.

I released the catch of the seat belt. ‘It’s been a long night, Dessie. I’ll make my own way home, thanks.’

He gunned the engine. ‘You’re going nowhere.’

Hickey had already left the perfect stage of inebriation behind and entered the phase of anger and paranoia. I knew that stage well. I was familiar with the spec. I reached for the handle of the door but he activated the central locking. Trapped.

‘Let me out of the truck.’

‘No.’

Engine rise, engine fall, engine rise, engine fall, as he deliberated over the fate of his prey. ‘You’ve changed,’ he finally remarked. ‘D’ya know that?’

‘Yes, I know that.’

‘You used to be such a mad fucker.’

I lowered my head in shame.

‘What happened ya, Castler?’

‘I wasn’t well then, Dessie.’

‘What was wrong with ya? Were ya sick?’

‘In a manner of speaking.’

‘Ya seemed fine to me.’

‘I was troubled, Dessie. I wasn’t myself.’

‘So who were ya?’

‘I just wasn’t myself.’

‘And who are ya now?’

‘I’m myself now.’

‘You’re an arsehole is who ya are now.’

‘Yes, well,’ I said. ‘I have to accept the things I cannot change.’

He jammed his foot down on the accelerator and the engine gave an almighty roar. ‘Stop coming out with that mental shite!’ he shouted over the din. ‘I’m sick of it. Sick to me back teeth!’ He released the pedal. The roar died down. ‘I preferred ya the way ya were an I didn’t even like ya then. But there’s something funny about ya now.’

‘So you keep insisting.’

‘What was all that muck you were shiteing on about earlier on the phone? Something about a Higher Power?’

‘My Higher Power is there to restore me.’

He snorted. ‘D’ya hear yourself?’

‘Yes, Dessie, I do.’

‘And tell us again: who exactly is this fella ya yammer away to about your Higher Power?’

‘Monsieur Deauville. He is my sponsor, Dessie.’ We’d been over this.

‘Are ya sure about that, Castler?’

‘Of course I’m sure.’

‘Are ya though, Castler? Are ya really sure?’

‘Yes, Dessie, I’m really sure.’ Though I wasn’t sure I understood the question.

‘Because I’m not sure, Castler. I’m not one bit sure about that fella, an that’s being honest with ya now. Who is this joker he does be mutterin away to half the time, I have to ask meself. The one who says jump an he says how high. Have ya noticed that ya always whisper when you’re on the phone to him, Castler? Whisper whisper whisper, as if youse are up to no good.’

‘Monsieur Deauville keeps me sane, Dessie. He is the voice of sanity.’

‘Sanity? Mother divine. I’d like to hear what the voice a sanity sounds like. Can I have a listen, Castler? Can I earwig in on youse the next time he calls? Here, I know: put him on speakerphone. Yeah. I’d like to listen to the voice a sanity. I haven’t heard it in a while.’

‘You have to be in the programme, Dessie.’

‘I have to be in the programme?’

‘Yes, Dessie.’ That’s what I just said.

He burped. ‘Can I join, so?’

‘Anybody can join. The only requirement for joining Alcoholics Anonymous is a desire to stop drinking.’

‘Sound. Where do I sign?’ He knocked back another mouthful. Ahhhhh .

‘You have to be committed to your sobriety, Dessie.’

Hickey looked at the flask. ‘But sure, how will they know I’m still on the batter? They’ve no way of telling, not unless someone rats me out. Now who would rat me out, Castler? Who would do a thing like that?’

Silence. He sloshed the contents of the flask.

‘Ya were a very secretive kid,’ he continued. ‘We never really got to know ya, did we? That’s what the lads said when we heard ya were dead. We couldn’t really miss ya because we never really knew ya even though we’d been in school with ya all them years.’

‘I could say the same about you, Dessie. I never really knew you either.’

‘I don’t think ya could say the same about me, though, Castler, strictly speaking. I think ya had the measure a me fairly early on because ya were one a them kids that was always watching. D’ya remember the way ya used to shop us to the teacher? The way he’d give ya the sheet a paper if he had to pop out, an you’d write down the names a the kids who were messin while he was gone. D’ya remember that, Castler?’

‘No, Dessie.’

‘ No, Dessie ,’ he said in his version of my accent. ‘A course you don’t, but that’s all right because I remember. I can remember for the both of us. The teacher put you in charge because he knew you’d rat us out. An ya did. An my name was always at the top a the list a messers. That’s why I hated ya. That’s why we all hated ya.’

‘Is that why, Dessie? And me thinking it was on foot of my superior intellect and elevated social standing.’

Hickey examined the flask. ‘D’ya know wha, Castler? I feel we’re finally getting somewhere here. Do you feel that too?’

I shrugged.

‘What was that, Castler? I didn’t hear ya.’

‘I’m not sure I care any more, Dessie, to be honest.’

‘ To be honest? Suffering Heart a Jaysus, has it come to that? Are we going to be honest with each other now?’ My phone started ringing. ‘Answer it,’ he instructed me, as if I were his hostage.

Unknown read the screen. Thank Christ it isn’t Edel, I thought in my innocence.

‘Oh,’ was all I could say when I heard what M. Deauville had to tell me.

Hickey revved the engine in search of attention. ‘Is that the voice a sanity? Put him on to me there. Tell him I want a word.’