Cheryl Tan - Sarong Party Girls

“People here are tired lah,” I said for the sixth time in the afternoon, pulling the blanket over my face again when she pushed it off to try to get me to sip her energizing lotus root soup.

I could hear her standing there for quite a while, probably trying to think of something she could do or say, then very quietly leaving the room. She didn’t even slam the door as usual.

To prevent her from making even more soup—or worse, taking me to her Chinese doctor for acupuncture or some shit—I figured I’d better get out of the house on Saturday night. If guniang actually stayed at home on Saturday night—aiyoh, to my mum this confirm means that I am very sick, maybe even dying.

“Tonight, Barracuda, usual time,” Louis texted us all at 7 P.M.

At first, I thought, should I not go? I knew from Imo that Louis had been quite sweet with her this week. After sending her flowers that Sunday he even took her out for drinks one night after work to see if she was feeling better. (Fann and I asked her to pretend that she was still sick a bit, to see whether he might send more flowers or—even more best—buy her something that comes in a little blue box. But Imo, I tell you—she was so happy she forgot how to play game. This toot girl—my god, she really is his lapdog now. And Louis knows it.)

But those were the only updates I got about Louis until his group text. I just hope things weren’t going to be awkward with him. I mean, yeah, what happened was a bit weird. But I’d already forgotten the whole thing. Or tried to. What’s the point in thinking about it? In the end, we’ve all been such good friends for so long—what’s the point of making things weird over one small thing like that. Better to just pretend it never happened.

Anyway, it’s good that Louis sent the first text—if he is organizing, that means he confirm is coming. If he’s coming, then we not only have a good table but also free drinks all night.

Even though we all know Louis’s “usual time” means he wants us to come at 11 P.M. but he actually arrives at midnight or one—so that when he walks in like a superstar we’ve all already been sitting there for a long time waiting for him—we all decided to meet at eleven. Because Melvin was at a stag night with his friends anyway so he wouldn’t be free tonight until much later, Fann agreed to come out. And Imo—aiyah, anytime Louis is showing up anywhere, she confirm will want to be there on time.

And me—if I don’t go to Barracuda at eleven, where the fuck else do I have to go?

When I got there at eleven though, I regretted being so on time. I should have known that even though the three of us decided to not be late, everyone would be late. Never mind lah—I figured I’d start whacking Louis’s bottles first and all would be good. After last Saturday, if anybody deserves to drink his booze, it’s me, after all. So when the waiter asked, “Which bottle would you like us to bring out?” I just said, “The most expensive one. No, two. Yah, bring them both.”

Guniang here is not usually the one mixing drinks for myself or other people, so when the bottles came, I didn’t know what amount to put in. I sometimes see Kelvin being damn toot, carefully measuring measuring to see whether the glass has two-fingers-high worth of liquor before adding the mixers. But aiyoh, guniang here was lazy lah. (Plus, I didn’t want to look toot.) So when the waiter brought out two bottles of Glenfiddich I just poured a little in a shot glass and did a bottoms up. Wah—it felt like fire. Shiok! I did two of these fast then decided to sip the third with some ice.

I was happily sitting there at Louis’s table, listening to that Coldplay song that everyone loves—I don’t care who you are or what car you drive or who you are. Ah Bengs, ang mohs, atas bitches all jump up whenever they hear the song start and sing each line out loud loud type. Kani nah. All these fucking happy people. I decided to just close my eyes and listen to the song. OK lah, maybe life is not so bad after all.

“Miss? Miss?”

I opened my eyes. Aiyoh. Of course it was an Ah Beng—his eyes all big big, hopeful hopeful type.

“Fuck off,” I said, closing my eyes again.

“Hi,” another voice said this time. “Here alone?”

This time I started talking even before my eyes opened. “I said—fuck off!”

When I opened my eyes I realized it was actually quite a good-looking ang moh trying to talk to me! Aiyoh! By the time I tried to say, “Wait, wait!” it was too late already. The guy was shaking his head as he walked away.

At first I thought, Aiyoh, like that—so wasted. But then I realized, even if I talked to the guy, maybe go home with him, maybe don’t go home with him tonight but we have a date later, and then another date, and another date—in the end, is anything is actually going to happen? In the life of Jazeline Lim, let’s face it—probably not.

The moment I thought that, I tried to mentally slap myself. Aiyoh, Jazzy—come on! Cannot be so negative. Somehow or other, must try to stay positive! Just then, Imo and Fann arrived, so this guniang’s mood improved a bit. And Kelvin and Andrew were right behind them. Andrew had even invited Kin Meng out and all. Wah—tonight, really is a big night if the gang is all there! So I decided to just heck care everything. Focus on tonight! Especially since I was wearing something especially nice—tonight I was in one of my new fake Herve Leger bandage dresses, which looks like I have tight red stretchy bandages wrapped all around my boobs, waist and backside. The waist looks smaller, boobs look bigger, backside—aiyah, backside just the right size for making guys steam. Not bad!

“Did you cut your hair or something?” Kin Meng asked when he air-kissed me. “You look damn steam! My god, if I didn’t know you only like ang mohs I might try and get lucky with you tonight.”

“And if you weren’t married, I might think you’re not a lecherous old man for saying that!” I said, pinching his cheeks and slapping his backside.

Kin Meng look a bit shocked. I guess I’d never called him a lech before. (But hallo, truth is truth.) When he recovered a minute later, he gave me the third finger. I just blew a kiss at him.

Fann had gotten the rest of Louis’s bottles from out of his locker and made a round of vodka sodas. “Come,” she said, passing one to each one of us. “Bottoms up!”

After two rounds of this Louis finally showed up with three girls behind him. “Gang, this is Akiko, Emi and Naomi,” he said. “Ladies, this is the gang.”

Until this point, Andrew was in a corner, flirting a bit with Fann while Imo was dancing with Kelvin and Kin Meng but trying to keep her distance, especially from Kelvin, who kept coming up from behind and grinding his socks crotch into her backside. But the moment the Japanese girls showed up, all three guys immediately moved over to talk to them instead. I tell you, Japanese girls—the decent, nice ones, like not the ones you find in KTV lounges or one of those sleazy bars looking for a loaded husband type—are like ganja for guys like Kin Meng and all.

I still remember for Kelvin’s stag party a few years ago, Louis flew everyone to Tokyo for a last havoc weekend before the red bomb. They didn’t really want to talk much about it when they came back—which made us all think, aiyoh, really serious things must have happened there. Every time we tried and bugged them to tell us about it Louis always stopped everyone from talking by saying, “Fellas—what happens in Roppongi stays in Roppongi.”

But since Kin Meng tells me everything because he’s just a big gossip, I knew what happened lah. Basically, every kind of Japanese girl they saw, they just tried to whack—but they were very strategy about it. Louis went and did all this research to find out where the decent young chio Japanese girls like to hang out, then they went and pretended that they were just being tourists, want to get to know local girls, buy them lots of drinks—and then aiyah, you know lah. I think they were quite successful—Louis and Kin Meng know how to speak a bit of Japanese, since they often have to go to Tokyo for work and all. So they could automatically talk talk flirt flirt until the groups of chio nice girls were a bit more comfortable with all of them.