Tracy O'Neill - The Hopeful
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- Название:The Hopeful
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- Издательство:Ig Publishing
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- Год:2015
- ISBN:нет данных
- Рейтинг книги:5 / 5. Голосов: 1
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I laced my skates and lapped the rink. Lauren clapped her hands to regulate the tempo of my crossovers, one two, faster and faster, until finally I reached unclappable speed. Camel! Layback! Sit! Back sit! came her call from the edge of the ice. As soon as one movement was over, another. There would be no waste. The New England Regional Championships had been a year away when I began in Boston. Then eleven months, and now only two seasons. My birthday would happen sooner than I’d like. Forty-one minutes left. Forty-minutes left. I pulled my arms in to draw me faster and faster through the spin. I felt my toe pick catch. I saw a flash of green light. My face hit the ice.
It was rare to fall on a spin already mastered, and I’d been doing this one for six months. The fluorescents overhead snapped in and out like lightning, to the pulse pounding my head. It felt like something happened, not done, which was of course impossible. Origin didn’t matter. I’d have to do it again. I stood and stepped into a crossover, wound my body up and threw myself once more into the spin. A prickle skimmed my chin, and I heard Mrs. Closerman shriek. When I extended my leg in completion, I knew the spin had been perfect.
“Stop! Stop right there!” Lauren yelled. Perhaps it had not been perfect after all. I looked down to see the spin carving. The science of skating is violence. It is steel scarring frozen water. A perfect spin scratches the eyeball white surface with a small circular storm. And it was a perfect storm when I saw my work, a storm reddened and spiraling splattered blood through the pattern of my turns.
I touched my face and felt something hard and wet and uncovered. Skin curled up like pencil shavings around the wound. I tried to pull it down back around the bone, but it wouldn’t stay. I couldn’t get a grip on the slipperiness of my chin. It was like squeezing the inside of an uncooked egg.
“A band aid, and then the toe loop,” I told Lauren, skating towards the ice entrance.
“There will be no toe loops today. You’re losing too much blood.” I looked at the dark trickle through my front. I was falling out of my face.
Later, when I returned from the hospital with a bandage over an embroidered chin, my mother carried her cake to the kitchen table, brought a slice to my father, and threw the rest away. From upstairs I heard games on the television — Big money! Big money! Big money! — and the cranking of a wheel. I lay a towel on my bedroom floor for crunches and prayed — two hundred two, two hundred three, one more, one more. Thank God it was only my face. I thought of boys, who were fewer in the skating world, with a quicker climb to the top, and I thought of Anna Lee. We called her Fruit Loops because her father was a millionaire from Razzle Apple raspberry apple juice and O-Mango Tang orange mango sparkling water. She had showed up at SCOB with three triple jumps at age twelve. She was Asian. We hated her for the hips she’d probably never get. We hated her when we saw her mother, this middle aged woman with a pre-teen body. I couldn’t afford recovery time.
I slept cross-armed that night. That way, I wouldn’t go to bed empty-handed. I crossed my left leg over my right in the position of jump rotation and imagined myself at a pinnacle. In this way I could make the next day come before it came.
The scar settled into a puckered pink worm, and I was back to skating the next day.
That spring, I wished away nights. I woke up before alarms sounded. I dissected chicken breasts into ideal sizes, clipping nicks of finger in the knife flurry over a red pepper while my mother emoted into casseroles I wouldn’t eat: green bean and fried onion, cream of mushroom with golden cracker crumble, tuna-macaroni with cheese. She’d decided everything that was bad for your heart was good for your heart, and everything that was good for your heart was just bad. The measured shreds of cheddar, the level spoons of salt — you knew what would come of them immediately, and the best thing was to let the genes figure out the rest. I stuck with what I made. I didn’t trust chromosomes as much as myself. You could be anyone.
My chopping was quicker than a casserole, and when I was finished, my father would condense a school day into the hour before dinner. He had always wanted to be a professor, and my truancy allowed him to educate. Seventy-five minutes was the length of a college class, he reasoned, so an hour should suffice for junior high school.
The night my mother made shepherd’s pie, though, my father went on college length, letting centrifugal force spill right into dinner.
“You would feel it most clearly in the scratch,” he said. “But even the camel or the layback or any of them, it isn’t really there.”
“Bon appétit,” my mother said. Her big-mitted hand gripped a casserole dish stained with burnt brown bouillon. She set layers of coiled ground meat and potatoes at the center of the table.
“It probably feels like a force is pulling everything apart,” he said. “But it doesn’t exist. There isn’t something in the universe pulling everything away from the center.”
“Doesn’t this casserole just smell like home?” my mother said.
“It’s inertia,” my father said.
“Like momentum?” I asked.
“Roasted corn makes this a special shepherd,” my mother said.
“Resistance to change in movement or rest,” said my father.
“Inertia could be your head is going the wrong direction and the rest of your body following, then?”
“Your head wants to stay moving, and your body follows it blindly away from itself; precisely.”
“I can’t let inertia get the best of me,” I said. Clanking came from a serving spoon striking a plate. A layer of potatoes fell off coils of ground beef.
With one hand my father ate my mother’s food, while with the other he wrote, “distance divided by distance times time times mass times velocity” on a piece of loose pepper. I wiggled a ring of pepper in the tines of my fork.
“Am I mass?” I asked.
“One bite, Ali. Come on,” my mother said to me. “Open up the hangar for the airplane,” she said, flying casserole in a downward spiral toward my mouth.
“Mom.”
“Lou,” my father said to my mother. “We’ve got homework here.”
“Homework?” my mother said. “You two have got homework. And what do I have? I have been working to make a good meal and a good home and a good family dinner, and you people don’t even care.”
“I do care. It just doesn’t matter,” I said, “to me.”
“Don’t you care about me? Don’t you care even enough to take one bite?” she asked. “When I was a girl, I could only wish that my mother would make me a meal like this.”
“If you knew me at all, you’d know I can only wish I could. I can only do anything to death. I worry to death. I love to death. I train to death.” And wasn’t it true, I thought, that we said a perfect jump or a spin was executed? Weren’t we killing something when we stabbed our toes and cut curlicues to the operatic pitch of Bizet, Stravinsky, and the deaf pounding of Beethoven?
“It’s true,” my father said. “She’s training to death.”
“Anything to death is not healthy,” my mother said. “Why can’t you just smoke cigarettes in the bathroom like other kids?”
“You want our daughter to smoke cigarettes?”
“Why can’t you fall in love with a bad boy? Fall out of love with a bad boy? What’s so wrong with size six? I was a size six when I was your age, and look at me now! I’m happy enough!”
“Happy enough is not enough,” I said.
“Enough should be enough. Enough is enough!”
“You don’t understand.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? I can’t understand you because I’m not your real mother?” It wasn’t what I’d meant at all. “I raised you. But I guess enough isn’t enough. I didn’t give birth to you so now I’ll never understand you? Well maybe you’ll never be an Olympic champion. Who will love you then?” I saw the shepherd’s pie overhead and then scattered on the floor. I saw cabinet doors swing hard so hard they bounced back closed and snack crackers falling from my mother’s hands over the table like wedding confetti. She ran upstairs to her bedroom, leaving us in animal cracker crumbles. It seemed, sitting in the mess of the kitchen, that my mother would never forgive me. But the next morning when I went downstairs, the kitchen was a masterpiece of elbow grease, and my mother was swinging at an inert doll with a hammer. “Your father is waiting in the car for you,” she said. “I’ll see you after your skate.” Life was still happening. I got in the car to go to the rink.
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