Jennifer Close - The Hopefuls

I called my parents to let them know I was back in DC, said that Matt was finishing up things in Texas but would be home soon. I kept the conversation short, making it sound like I was superbusy, like there was a ton to catch up on.

“What an adventure you two had,” my mom said.

“I know,” I told her. “We really did.”

—

On Saturday morning, my phone rang and I grabbed it, hoping it was Matt and feeling my stomach drop when I saw it was Jimmy. My first instinct was to drop it on the table, like it was contaminated, but then I picked it right back up again. I couldn’t ignore it, because then I’d spend all day wondering why he was calling. I answered, hating how unsure my voice sounded as I said, “Hello?”

“Hey, Beth, it’s Jimmy.”

“Hi,” I said. I thought how strange it was that people still felt they had to identify themselves on the phone, when we always knew who was calling before we picked up.

“I was just on my way to the store and I thought I’d call to see how you are.”

“I’m okay,” I said. And then as a reflex more than anything else, “How are you?”

“Not so bad.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, really,” he answered with a laugh in his voice.

“Okay,” I said. “I just—”

“What?”

“I don’t know. I’m actually not okay, you know? I’m not good at all. I feel awful about what happened.”

Jimmy was silent for a while, and I wondered if he was surprised or annoyed that I’d brought it up. Did he really think we were going to have a phone call and not talk about it? “Me too,” he finally said, but he didn’t sound remorseful at all. “But look, things happen. We were both upset. It’s been a crazy year.”

“I guess,” I said, and right then I knew that this wasn’t the first time Jimmy had had to make a call like this, that the rumors about him were true. I knew it in a way I hadn’t before, knew because of the way he said “Things happen” so calmly.

“Don’t beat yourself up about it,” he said. “That’s what I really called to say.” He sounded a little impatient then, like he wanted me to stop being so dramatic. It was a sensation familiar from college — a guy making me feel like I was making a bigger deal out of something than was necessary, who thought I should just (and oh, how I hated this word) relax.

I didn’t say anything for a few seconds while I debated pushing further, making him admit that I — that we — deserved to beat ourselves up a little. But what was the point?

“Did Matt pack our stuff?” I finally asked, changing the subject and giving him what he wanted.

“Oh yeah, he couldn’t get out of here fast enough. He left on Thursday.”

“Thursday?” I asked. This meant that Matt could be in DC soon, could possibly be home tonight. Although I was pretty sure he wouldn’t be coming back so soon — or at least, not to the apartment.

“You didn’t know?” Jimmy asked.

“No. I haven’t talked to him since I left.”

Jimmy let out a low whistle. “That’s tough,” he said. “But listen, you two will work it out. Like I said, things happen.”

I envied how casual he sounded and I hated it too, because I knew he wasn’t faking it. How easy it must be to go through life being Jimmy Dillon, to always be so sure that things would work out for you, that your messes would be cleaned up.

“How’s Ash?” I asked.

“She’s good,” he said. “Staying busy.”

It was ridiculous for me to think there was any chance that Ash didn’t know what was going on — the way I’d left Texas, suddenly and without saying good-bye, was absurd. Surely, if she didn’t think I had anything to be blamed for, she would’ve called me by now. And thinking of Ash being disappointed in the type of friend I’d turned out to be — to tell you the truth, it felt worse than anything.

“Thanks for calling,” I finally said.

“Sure thing,” he said, as breezily as if we’d been discussing dinner plans.

—

I called Colleen as soon as I hung up with Jimmy. She’d texted me a few times in the past week, asking when we’d be back, and (not knowing how to respond) I’d ignored her. When I told her I was home, she sounded thrilled, started talking about when we could get together, but I interrupted her and said, “I have to talk to you. Now. Are you free?”

“Now?” she asked. She must have heard the neediness in my voice, because she told me to hold on and I heard a muffled conversation take place as she covered the phone. When she came back, she said. “Okay, Bruce can watch Bea. Do you want to meet somewhere?”

“Can you come here?” I asked. I felt slightly ridiculous that I was being so cryptic, but I couldn’t imagine getting into the details over the phone, and I was thankful when Colleen told me she’d be right over.

As soon as I answered the door, I started crying, but Colleen didn’t say anything, just walked in and closed the door behind her. I must have looked pathetic, sniffling in my sweatpants and T-shirt. Colleen put her hand on my back and led me up the stairs gently, like I was elderly or maybe just plain crazy.

She must have wondered what was going on — if someone had died or there was another sort of emergency, I would’ve just told her on the phone. But I think she guessed that it had to do with me and Matt because she sat and patiently waited for me to start talking.

“I did something horrible,” I said. Colleen tilted her head at me, like she thought I might be kidding, but then I continued, telling the whole story, all of it coming out in one big mess of words.

When I was done, she leaned back on the couch and looked at the ceiling and then the floor and then the ceiling again. She blew a gust of air up at her bangs, making them flutter, and finally said, “Well, Jesus, Beth. That is not what I thought you were going to say.”

“I know,” I said, and then surprisingly let out a laugh. “I know, right?” It was shocking how much better it felt to have someone else know what I’d done, like confession. Already, I felt the release of telling her, knowing that she’d talk it through with me.

“How did it happen?” she asked, but she wasn’t judging me. She sounded genuinely interested, like she needed all the details before she could understand it.

“I don’t even know,” I said. And I really didn’t, which might have been the worst part. Was I looking for attention? Trying to get back at Matt? Was I bored? Was it a moment of weakness? I’d been attracted to Jimmy, I couldn’t deny that. But I certainly wasn’t in love with him, didn’t picture us running away together. The phone call with him that afternoon, his casual dismissal of things, had reminded me of his worst traits.

“You don’t know?” Colleen asked.

“No,” I said, and let out a little sob. “Maybe I’m a sociopath.”

Colleen rolled her eyes. “All right. Let’s not get carried away,” she said. And part of me agreed with her, but another part of me wondered how I could so easily betray so many people — not just my husband, but also one of my best friends.

“This isn’t me,” I said, although wasn’t that everyone’s first reaction when they cheated? No one ever stood up and owned it, declared that cheating was just a part of their personality.

“I know,” Colleen said.

“I feel like a horrible person. No really, listen. Who does this kind of thing? What if I keep doing things like this?”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t worry about that. I mean, I don’t think you’re about to start trying to seduce Bruce.” She couldn’t help but smile after she said this, and then she looked serious again. “Beth, people make mistakes, you know.”

“Not like this,” I said.