Jennifer Close - The Hopefuls

“I don’t know what else to do,” I said.

“Just wait it out,” Jenny said. “He’s wound so tight right now, he can’t even see straight. But he’ll get through it.”

“What if he doesn’t?”

“He will,” she said, firmly, and I understood that she wasn’t going to explore any other possibility with me. But then she gave me a little squeeze. “Just hang in there. Eventually things will right themselves.”

—

On our ride home, I tried to tell Matt that the boys were hurt by the way he’d yelled at them. “I mean, too bad,” he said. “They can’t just do whatever they want. I know they were just playing, but they were bugging the crap out of me.”

I wanted to tell him that six months earlier, he wouldn’t have yelled like that. He would’ve laughed at the spilled drink, maybe jokingly chased after the boys. He’d always had endless amounts of patience with his nieces and nephews, found their rowdiness amusing. But he was already looking at his BlackBerry, so I dropped it.

That night, I lay awake with Matt sleeping next to me and wondered if this was just a phase, like Jenny said, or if it was something more. What if Matt’s sunny personality, his happy nature that I’d fallen in love with, had just been conditional? What if he was only pleasant and kind when everything was working out for him, when good things were easily coming his way? This past year had turned him into a miserable person. So what was going to happen now?

—

The next night, I went to meet Colleen for dinner, and Matt met Benji and Alan and a couple other guys for a few drinks. “Maybe we’ll meet up with you later,” I said, and Matt shrugged like he didn’t really care. “Sure, maybe,” he said.

I went to Colleen’s place first so that I could see Bea before we went out. Bea was already bathed and in pajamas when I got there, smiling at me from Colleen’s arms. I reached for her, not sure she would come to me, but she did, diving right into my arms.

“She’s so cute,” I said.

“I know,” Colleen said, matter of fact. “She’s a really pretty baby.”

I was biting back a smile at this when Bruce came into the room. He took Bea from my arms and kissed my cheek hello.

“It’s nice to see you,” he said. Colleen was already throwing keys in her purse, ready to go.

“You too,” I said. I squeezed Bea’s leg. “And you too.”

Colleen kissed Bruce good-bye. And then he said, “You girls have fun,” which made him sound like he was our dad.

—

We went out for sushi, because that’s what we always did. It was our tradition. Colleen had been the one to introduce me to sushi in college, acting like it was unbelievable I’d never eaten it before. “Seriously?” she kept saying. “You’ve seriously never had sushi before? That’s so funny.” But she sounded more condescending than amused.

I was the first person Colleen ever met from the Midwest, and she liked to let me know how much more worldly she was, like I grew up on a farm. Once, when I’d reminded her that Madison was a city, and a really nice one at that, she’d smiled and said, “Sure, but a city in Wisconsin,” like that explained everything.

We went to Raku, which was just a few blocks from my apartment. It felt weird to be back. Weird, but nice. The waitress came over, and Colleen ordered for us, which was another habit we’d gotten into, but I didn’t mind. She knew what I liked.

“I think I’ve been in Texas too long,” I told her. “We drive everywhere, basically. It’s so nice to be able to walk to a restaurant.”

“So what’s new?” she asked. “Tell me everything.”

I hadn’t decided if I was going to tell Colleen what was going on with Matt — I didn’t know that I’d really feel like discussing it all night. But once she asked, I started talking and couldn’t stop. I told her how angry he was, how much we’d been fighting. I described everything that had happened in Luling, and how cold things were between us now.

“Whoa,” she said when I was finished. “Why did you wait so long to tell me this?”

“It wasn’t something I wanted to get into on the phone,” I said. “Plus, I still don’t even know what this is. I don’t know what’s going on. The other day, Matt told me he felt like I wasn’t supporting him. Honestly. The only thing I do is support him. I’m in Texas supporting him. I moved to DC to support him. He’s crazy.”

Colleen nodded. “Well,” she said. “He probably meant you weren’t supporting what he really wants to do. Since you told him you didn’t want him to ever run for office. I can’t imagine he took that well.”

“That’s not exactly what I said. And anyway, it’s not even happening right now. There’s no plan in place. I was just talking, just saying what I thought in the moment.”

“Sure,” she said slowly. “But would you want him to do it? If something did come up right now?”

“I don’t know,” I said. “Not really, no.” We both took sips of our wine, and I took a breath. “I mean, really, I don’t know. But he was so upset that I even questioned it, that maybe I wasn’t completely on board with the idea. He said that when he married me, he thought I’d be behind him on this.”

“Jesus,” Colleen said. “It sounds like he’s having a midlife crisis.”

“I know. And the thing is, maybe I don’t want him to run for office. But is that the end of the world? He made it sound like he only married me because he thought I’d always go along with what he wanted.”

Colleen shrugged. “Maybe that is what he thought.”

“Well, that’s really fucked up.”

“Not really. I mean, every person expects something from the other one when they get married.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, everyone has their own reasons for getting married. Look at me and Bruce — he liked me because I was young and thought I was fun and I liked that he was more serious than the guys our age, that he was established. Marriage is a contract, same as anything.”

“That’s so depressing,” I said.

“Not really. It’s just realistic. I mean, marrying Matt because you liked that he was passionate and kind isn’t the same as a porn star marrying a ninety-five-year-old man because he’s rich.”

“Well, thank God for that.”

“And I mean, look at your favorite couple, Jimmy and Ash. Don’t you think he married her because she’s pretty and from Texas and looks great standing next to him while he makes speeches? And she married him because she gets to live in a big house and have luncheons.”

“Colleen,” I said. She held up her hands like she was surrendering.

“It’s just something to think about.” She waited a beat before she said, “Maybe you guys should see someone.”

“Like a marriage counselor?”

“Yeah. I can give you the name of ours.”

“You guys went to see someone?”

“Beth, grow up. Of course we did. I married a guy who’s almost twenty years older than me. We’ve had some shit to work out.”

Colleen rarely acknowledged the age difference between her and Bruce — she usually just pretended it didn’t exist, and it surprised me to hear her say it so plainly.

“I’ll think about it,” I said.

“It’s not so bad going to see someone,” she said. “It’s like this dinner, sort of, but without the wine.”

—

I texted Matt when we were done with dinner, but he didn’t answer, so I walked back to the apartment. We were returning to Texas in the morning, and I wished that we didn’t have to, that we could just stay here and slip back into our lives the way they were when we left.

Matt was home when I let myself in, watching TV with the lights off. “Hey,” I said. “I texted you. I thought maybe you’d still be out.”