Hannah Gersen - Home Field

“I’m not dating her. We’ve spent some time together, that’s it. How did Robbie even find out?”

“Because you live in a small town, Dean. Because your son hangs out with high school kids every day after school — high school kids who are friends with See-See. She probably told someone who told someone who told Robbie. I shouldn’t have to explain this to you.”

“How did See-See know?”

“Her mother probably told her! Or she figured it out. She’s seventeen years old, she’s not an idiot.”

“You’re right.” Dean was remembering the way See-See had backed away from his praise after the dual meet. Now that he thought about it, she had been a little bit distant all week.

“Whatever,” Laura said, sounding young. “The point is, Robbie’s upset and you need to address it. Preferably before he leaves. I know you don’t think it’s a big deal for him to be away from home for a week, but for a kid who’s been through what he’s been through, it’s going to be very dramatic to be without his family. So you need to reassure him. Talk about your wife with him. Be open about what’s going on with Karen.”

“Should I also be open about what’s going on with you?”

“Do what you want.”

She hung up without saying good-bye. Dean called back but she didn’t pick up, forcing him to leave a message with her secretary. He felt like he’d been kicked. What was he supposed to say to Robbie about Nicole? Your mother didn’t have the decency to off herself with pills. Your mother was a coward. Your mother was a secretive person. Your mother was impulsive, she was always impulsive, she married me on impulse, she had you on impulse, she killed herself on impulse. If she could change her mind, she would. I’m sure of it.

Except Dean wasn’t sure of it.

The bell rang for last period, the nasal sound jolting him. It was time for the pep rally. He went out to the gym’s main entrance to meet Bryan, who would be on his way over from the elementary school. The students were coming down the hallway in a flood, the majority of them wearing something blue or white. Dean had a strong feeling of déjà vu, not exactly like he’d lived this scene before, more like he was stuck in an endless loop of high school. He remembered a burned-out teacher telling him, They get younger and younger the older you get.

“Daddy!” Bryan called to him. “I didn’t know there was a party today!”

Dean led him toward the gym, where students were already filling up the bleachers. The cross-country girls, Dean noticed, were sitting together.

THE HOMECOMING DANCE was held in the cafeteria, where Dean and Laura had first met, and whether out of habit or accident, Laura was standing near the window where they used to chat. He was surprised to see her, since she worked at the middle school now, but she was standing with one of the younger female teachers at the high school, so maybe she had come out of friendship, to lend moral support. Both women were dressed in old-fashioned 1950s-style party dresses. Dean suspected they were wearing them ironically, but they looked pretty. Dean wanted to talk to her, but she stuck to her friend in a way that made him feel as if she was doing it on purpose, as a way of avoiding him. As an experiment, he moved toward her side of the room to see if she moved in the opposite direction. She did. All around him, students were engaging in similarly covert maneuvers.

He checked the boys’ bathroom for smokers and imbibers and, finding none, sought refuge in the faculty bathroom. There was someone else in one of the stalls, but he thought nothing of it until he was at the sink washing his hands. When he shut off the water, he heard a groan. His instinct was to leave immediately, not wanting to encounter a colleague in the wake of a gastrointestinal emergency, but there was another sound and all at once he knew there were two voices, two people.

“This is Coach Renner,” he said loudly. “I’m going to stand outside this bathroom for thirty seconds. If you do not exit within that time frame, I’m getting the vice principal.”

The couple left quickly, a boy and a girl. Dean knew them both from gym classes. He didn’t realize they were together and wouldn’t have pegged either of them as the type to sneak off for public sex. The faculty bathroom! Was that a known place? He had to tell someone, it was too funny. The obvious choice was Laura, but he couldn’t bring it up with her, it would seem like a come-on. It was a come-on, maybe. He missed her. He wished they had met in a different way. That he hadn’t known her when he was married. There was too much guilt attached to her. And yet it was that guilty feeling he craved.

The cafeteria was getting warm as more and more kids arrived. The girls were dressed sweetly or provocatively; there seemed to be nothing in between. Dean saw the cheerleader who had given him the boutonniere; she was in a short, sequined dress and her hair was in a French twist. She was overdone and looked about thirty-five. Her date was Larry Moats, a JV player. He looked like a used-car salesman in his shiny suit and conservative tie. Dean imagined them ten years down the road, married and fat with small children and money problems. His cynical thoughts disturbed him; they felt rank and sour.

The music changed to a saccharine ballad and couples began to slow-dance. Dean checked across the room for Laura but she was gone. After a moment, he found her. She was talking with the high school guidance counselor. She looked completely engaged, interested in whatever her colleague-in-psychology was saying. Dean wondered if she was happy, and if she’d gotten back together with Tim. Had she begged his forgiveness? Maybe she didn’t even have to beg. Maybe Tim had been in his own kind of trouble; maybe he’d asked for her to come back. Maybe this whole time, Laura’s mind was on Tim, and Tim’s mind was on Laura, and years from now, the story would be about how tumultuous things had been at the beginning. Dean would be the lonely widower Laura had befriended because she was a softie.

Dean began to walk the perimeter of the room, trying to be a good chaperone. At the edge of the dance floor he noticed See-See, dancing with a very tall boy Dean remembered vaguely from freshman PE a couple of years before. Travis something. He was not very athletic, as Dean recalled. He had to bend slightly to dance with See-See, who seemed especially petite in her off-the-shoulder party dress. Dean had never seen her in a dress before. She seemed so vulnerable, with her bare shoulders and back and her arms reaching up to embrace this long-stemmed boy. Dean had to leave. He went outside, to the parking lot, a zone that chaperones were theoretically supposed to police, but he didn’t bother walking the aisles of vehicles. Instead he went to his own car and drove home.

LATE THAT NIGHT, Dean was awakened by the sound of heavy rains and winds. Tree branches slapped against his windows. The next morning, his backyard was transformed. All the branches were bare and the yard was covered with leaves. He and the boys spent the weekend raking them into piles and stuffing them into bags. They spread some over their garden beds, and the rest they drove over to Joelle’s for mulching.

“We missed you at church,” Joelle said to Bryan and Robbie. “What are you up to this afternoon?”

“We have to help Robbie pack,” Bryan said. “He’s going to Outdoor School.”

“You got a cold week,” Joelle said. “Megan got lucky, she went in May.”

“Dad got me some new boots,” Robbie said. “I’ll be fine.”

“We’ll send you a care package,” Joelle said.

“He’s only gone for a week,” Dean said.

“He could still use some treats — Thursday is Halloween! I’ll mail it tomorrow, that way you’ll get it in time.”