Hannah Gersen - Home Field

“Me too, Jo.”

“No, really. I’m not just saying it. I’ve been thinking about this a lot, praying on it. I have to admit, I was mad when Megan went to your practice. And then Ed took your side. I felt like I was trying to maintain a commitment to Christ, and my whole family was against it. I said to God, ‘Why did you put me in this position? Why did you give Megan this talent for running?’ And then I realized it was so that she would go to you, and so our families would come back together. Doesn’t that make perfect sense?”

“It’s a nice story.”

“It’s more than nice! I mean, look at Bryan — he’s getting so close to God’s light. I see it in his little face and it makes me so happy that he’s found that comfort. Have you noticed a difference in him?”

“Sure, maybe,” Dean said. It was unbelievable to him that Joelle could not see how self-serving her theories were. What kind of petty god gave a shit if Dean and his sister-in-law were getting along? He recalled a book about Christianity that Stephanie had received as a present upon her confirmation, a book geared toward teenagers and their particular theological concerns. It was called If God Loves Me, Why Can’t I Get My Locker Open? How he and Stephanie had laughed at that title! It became a joke, whenever they encountered something trivial and annoying. If God loves me, why can’t I open this CD case? If God loves me, why are we out of Rice Chex? God, he missed his daughter. He even missed her silences.

“I worry about Robbie,” Joelle said. “He seems anxious.”

“He’s dealing with some tough stuff.”

“Is he still seeing the school counselor?”

“Yeah, he is.” Thoughts of Laura came rushing in and Dean stood up. Joelle probably thought he was embarrassed about Robbie. Fine, let her think that. He couldn’t sit here, talking about his kids while secretly wondering what Laura was doing now, if she was with Tim, if she was alone, if she was thinking about him.

He and Joelle went inside, where they found the kids playing Sorry. Ed was watching the Orioles in the playoffs and he invited Dean to stay, but Dean begged off, saying he’d watch from home, where he could fall asleep in front of the TV.

His car was frigid, his steering wheel cold to the touch. He felt like driving somewhere far away, but when he started the engine, he saw he was low on gas. He headed toward Sheetz, and on the way he saw the neon light of Coach’s. At the last minute he pulled into the crowded parking lot.

The bar was full of Orioles fans and for ten, maybe fifteen minutes, Dean felt content to be part of the group, staring up at the green field glowing on-screen. But the game was a slow one, with no one getting any hits. His beer started to taste warm, and then he spotted See-See’s mother in the crowd. She caught his glance and came over to say hello, surprising him with a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek. Her perfume was like honeysuckle, and she was wearing an Orioles baseball jersey, the cut of the shirt somehow flattering to her breasts. She looked cute, but his attraction to her was complicated by the fact that, in the bar’s dim light, he could see her resemblance to See-See. She started talking about the race, saying how much fun it had been, how it was a great way to start the weekend, how from now on, she was going to go to all the meets, no matter how much See-See protested.

“Where’s See-See now?”

“What, you think I bring her to the bar with me?” Karen laughed. “She’s at a friend’s house, that’s all I know. I don’t ask too many questions at her age.”

“My daughter’s in college, but for all she tells me she could be on the moon.”

“At least she made it to college. See won’t let me see her applications, she won’t even say if she’s going to apply. I’m hoping this running thing will motivate her, like maybe she could run on a team?”

“I could talk to her, if you want.”

“Oh, could you?” Karen leaned closer, her honeysuckle perfume filling the space between them. “That would be so great. I think she would listen to you.”

“I don’t know much about college running, but I could make some calls.”

“You don’t even have to do that. If you could just get her to take the idea of college seriously, that would be such a big help. I haven’t set the best example. I never finished my degree.”

“That doesn’t matter,” Dean said. “She’s a good kid.”

“I’m so glad you see that. Some people get the wrong idea about her, with her hair and earrings and her clothes. I tell people, that’s how kids are dressing these days, it doesn’t mean anything. But it wasn’t like this when we were young. I mean, I wanted to be pretty, you know? And the music I listened to was pretty, too. It had its darkness, of course. But it was melodic . I don’t understand the music she listens to, I don’t understand her jokes, I don’t understand why she’s always sarcastic. And I don’t understand how I’m suddenly out of the loop. I mean, we were cool when we were young, weren’t we?”

“I don’t think I was. I was just a jock.”

“Oh, you were a popular guy, I can tell. Maybe you were a little serious. But girls like that.”

Her flirting disarmed him. Was this his life now? Going to bars and chatting up the mothers of kids he taught? She was wrong; he hadn’t been that popular. When he looked back on his high school years, all he could remember was football practice followed by evenings alone with his father. His dream then was to be a part of a big family. He loved being on a team. Anytime anyone extended an invitation, he took it.

“Let me get the next round.” See-See’s mother pointed to his half-drunk beer. “Same thing?”

“I actually have to go,” he said. “My boys. . they’re at their aunt’s.”

“Oh, okay! Well, next time!” She seemed unfazed. She was used to being single, used to living outside of family lines. He didn’t want to learn to be like her; he had a dread of that life.

He stepped in a puddle in the parking lot, and the odor of wet leaves came wafting up, mixing with the cigarette smoke he could now smell on his jacket. When he got into his car, he had the strange feeling that Nicole had recently been in it. He turned the radio up as he headed toward Sheetz, as if trying to scare off the ghost. But it wasn’t a ghost, exactly. It was the memory of her physical presence, a kind of phantom-limb sensation. He couldn’t shake it, even when he arrived at the gas station and the inside of the car was filled with the bright lights above the pumps.

The kid behind the register was unknown to him. Dean bought gum, a box of condoms, and a scratch-off lotto ticket. Play when you’re feeling unlucky, Geneva once told him. Outside, at the pay phone, he called Laura. He didn’t expect her to pick up, because she spent her weekends with Tim. That was her life. This was his. He listened to the rings, counting them. He thought about going to church the next day. He wanted to be around people who were trying to be good, even if they were hypocrites. Three rings. Four rings. Laura’s answering machine picked up. He shouldn’t leave a message, Tim might overhear. The machine beeped and he said “Hello?” like he wasn’t sure he had the right number. And then Laura’s voice.

“Dean? Wait — let me stop the machine.” There was a shuffling sound. “Oh my God, I’m so glad you called.”

“What’s the matter?”

“I broke up with Tim. Last night. I didn’t tell him about us.”

“What happened?”

“Don’t worry, it doesn’t have to do with you. I mean, it does. But I needed to do it anyway.”

“I’m not worried,” Dean said. Instead he felt a gut-level relief that she was no longer sleeping with anyone else. He hadn’t realized how much it was bothering him. It was like he could love her now, if he wanted to.