Eimear McBride - The Lesser Bohemians

Christ, Eily, when she said that I felt sick. What did you tell her for? I said You had no right. I never wanted Gracie to know. I hadn’t planned to, she said But she arrived home one night very drunk and very late. When I confronted her, she just kept asking why you weren’t allowed to visit? She said she knew it wasn’t your choice, she could tell it was me. How she was going to move to London to get to know you properly and what was wrong with that? I had to say something Stephen. I couldn’t just concede. I thought if she knew how it had been she’d realise she was being unfair. So I told her the worst of how you were back then. I didn’t even have to embellish Stephen, the truth was bad enough. I told her about all the arguing and the sleepless nights. The brawling and the passing out. Junkies dossing around the flat. Picking my way through their sick, even when I was pregnant. People kicking in the door looking for you. Waking up alone and not knowing what you were up to. Every penny we had thrown away on it and all we had to do without. Food. Heat. Rent. Freezing in the winter because we couldn’t afford coats. And what it was like, at four months pregnant, to get the call you’d collapsed. I’d been trying so hard to persuade myself that you were staying clean. You wouldn’t jeopardise this because you’d waited so long for the break but, all the same, there it was: We don’t know if he’ll pull through so you should get here fast. It was a miracle I didn’t miscarry then and there. And the shame of it Stephen, in front of the doctors. Then days of watching you in that bed. Not knowing, even if you came out of it, what would be left? Those weeks of waiting when you finally did. Having to leave the room because you’d get so upset and not knowing what I’d done. I didn’t know anything except you were a mess and I was alone. My parents were awful — they enjoyed not being surprised — and by the time I got you home I was so angry. I know that probably wasn’t very helpful but I still loved you and I hoped. All I wanted was a normal life Stephen. I wasn’t asking very much. And you were so apologetic, so remorseful that I believed you would change. Then the money began to go missing again. I kept explaining it away because the truth just made no sense. You knew your body wasn’t able, that it couldn’t. Then the day I had my check-up, I’d arranged to visit a friend but I couldn’t wait to tell you that the baby was well. It was the first good news in months so I came home instead. She was really kicking and I wanted you to feel it. But when I came in there you were, passed out on our bed. You and that asshole and a needle half pushed down the side like you thought I was stupid and might think you were asleep. But I thought you were dead and as I checked for a pulse, I finally realised that you didn’t care. Not only about me or the baby but whether you were alive or dead. That’s when I knew I had to leave. I couldn’t take the fear of it any more, and the endless lies. So there was the humiliation of asking my parents if I could move back. Then the rest of the pregnancy I just waited for the call. I was actually relieved when you wound up in Friern. At least you were safe there even if everything else was destroyed.

God Eily, the things she said. I think I’d just blanked out what it was like inside. In my memory it’s always heading off somewhere, nodding out on someone else’s stairs or fucking about off my head. But I suddenly remembered what she was talking about. And it only got worse from there. She told Grace about the sleeping around. How I’d cheated on her every chance I had. Fucked her best friend in the toilet when we were on a night out. Given her the clap then accused her of giving it to me. About walking in on me with some girl in our bed and so wasted I didn’t notice until she hit me with a record. More often knowing I had been, smelling it off me, but I’d just lie right to her face. I did that all the time, I know I did. Everything she said was true Eily and horrible to hear, to really remember how I’d treated her and then think of Grace knowing too. She said she asked her, what kind of man does that Grace? I’ve given you the best of everything in life, how can you choose him over me? But Grace just kept asking why she had to choose between? That you’d been clean so long, how could you not be different? Your letters proved you were. I couldn’t have it Stephen, she said You being defended by her. I told her she knew nothing and I was sick of this childish romance about you she’d invented. You don’t know what that man’s capable of, I said. He’s not fit to be your father. He isn’t safe. You said what? I said and she said, I said Grace, I’ve gone out of my way to protect you from this but that man he and his mother they were far more than mother and son and if you think I’d ever risk him doing the same to you, you are very much mistaken.

Jesus Eily, to hear her say that. To know she’d said it to Grace. I just got up saying Oh God, how could you? I know, she said But But Eily, I thought I was going to fucking kill her. I started shouting How dare you? How dare you say that about me? Whatever fucked-up things I’ve done I could never hurt Gracie. Marianne just kept saying Please Stephen, please sit down. But I couldn’t and it just All these years, I shouted When will you have enough? All these years of punishing me and now this. To try to frighten her your own fucking child, for fuck’s sake, how could you do that to her? Everyone in the restaurant was staring and I just couldn’t believe it. It’s the worst thing I could imagine being said about me and then said to my little girl. Eventually the waiter said If you don’t sit down you’ll have to leave. I nearly hit him and Marianne kept going Please Stephen, please. I wanted to walk out but I couldn’t. I had to know what Grace said. Marianne was crying I think, by this stage and I was beside myself but I did sit back down. And we sat. I was so fucking stunned it took a few minutes to ask What happened then, Marianne? She said I know that was awful, a terrible thing to say, and not true, I know you would never have hurt Grace. Marianne, I said I don’t really fucking care what you know, what does Gracie think? She said Grace asked what I meant? And you said? When he was growing up there was some kind of sexual activity with his mother. Even as I said it I realised what I’d done but it was too late by then. She wanted to know everything I knew and how I did. I tried to back-pedal but she was insistent, so I told her what I’ve just told you and How did she react? I said. Stephen, she said She saw right through. She understood immediately and better than I ever had. I know he left home at sixteen, she said So what you’re saying is that when my father was a child his mother did something molested him? He was younger than I am now so isn’t that what that means? Grace, I said. No, she said You’re telling me my father was reared by a woman who did that to him? His own mother, the same way you’re mine? My grandmother. Grace, I said. And you’ve known this all my life? Every time I’ve asked about him and you’ve said what a liar he was, what a strung-out mess, you knew that had happened but you kept it to yourself? You didn’t think it would help to explain? I didn’t want to upset you Grace. But now you’re telling me, she said So I’ll be afraid of him. That’s the only reason you’re telling me, isn’t it? Jesus Christ Mum he’s my father and something awful happened what’s the matter with you? And she was right Stephen, I saw it so clearly then, what the anger’s done to me and how I’ve excused myself. All because I somehow had to win and seeing Grace see it made me very ashamed.

I know she called you the next day. I suppose that must have been a surprise. I don’t know what she said but obviously not what I had. To be frank, we’ve hardly spoken since. The only reason she hasn’t appeared on your doorstep is that I have her passport. I’ve tried to talk to her, to explain. She won’t have it. All she’ll say is that there has to be a change. So that’s why I called you. That’s why we’re here. I know you’ll find it rich of me to start asking for your help but I’m not asking entirely for myself. I’m asking because this is what Grace wants, even needs, and I’ve lost all right to refuse. So what exactly are you asking Marianne? I said. And she said If you would be willing to come to Vancouver, Stephen, to start spending some time with her?