Carol Birch - Orphans of the Carnival

‘Don’t let anyone throw stones at him,’ she said, and he picked up her hand and rubbed it firmly between his own till the baby started crying and Julia had to feed him. Theo stared in disbelief at the size to which her breast had swollen. She was very tired and started dozing while she fed, head drooping down towards the baby’s pup-like face. After a while the nipple slid from the baby’s mouth and both were asleep. Theo covered her breast and went to find Trettenbacher.

‘They’re asleep,’ he said. ‘Everything seems to be fine.’

‘She’s had a nasty time,’ the doctor said. He looked tired. ‘She needs her sleep.’

‘What were the odds, I wonder,’ Theo said, ‘fifty-fifty, eh, Doctor?’

‘What? That the condition would turn out to be hereditary?’ He shrugged. ‘Who knows? We know so very little about it.’

‘Well.’ Theo sighed a very deep sigh. There was a flattened look about his eyes. ‘The world must make a place for these people.’

‘As it does,’ said the doctor.

‘Does it?’

Trettenbacher offered him a cigar, and the two men were quiet for a while. Trettenbacher was thinking about the medical report he would write and where he was going to publish it. Theo went out for a drink. The night was dark and cold, the stars above sharp as ice. A man in the tavern started talking to him about the price of tobacco.

‘I’ve just become a father,’ Theo said.

‘Hear that?’ the man yelled. ‘This man’s just become a father.’

The whole room, glad of a diversion, began drinking his health.

‘What is it? Boy or girl.’

‘Boy,’ he said proudly.

‘Congratulations! A man needs a son. Strong boy, is he?’

‘Very.’

Round after round to the new son.

He was misty-eyed when he got back to the hospital. Thank God I’ve got a sense of humour, he thought, bursting into laughter standing on the snow-covered steps. There we all are drinking the health of a fine decent-looking child, son and heir, the sort any man would be proud to own, and little do they know. Boy. Child. Well, it’s true, isn’t it?

He went in to find Julia crying, and the nurses running about tight-lipped. Not a doctor to be seen.

‘They’ve taken him away!’ she said.

‘What’s going on?’

‘I don’t know. The doctors took him. I was feeding him, and he started coughing.’

‘I’ll find out. Don’t worry, I’m sure it’s nothing.’

The corridor was empty. He walked about till he found a nurse to waylay. ‘What’s going on?’ he said. ‘Why isn’t anyone looking after my wife? She’s very upset. Why have they taken her baby?’

The nurse was a small strict creature. ‘Oh, Mr Lent,’ she said, ‘we didn’t know where to find you. It’s all under control. The baby was having a little trouble breathing, but the doctors are taking care of things. Please go and sit with your wife.’

‘He was all right a minute ago,’ said Theo.

‘I’m sorry, Mr Lent, you’ve been gone a couple of hours. He had a little choking fit while he was feeding, and it seems to have set something off. But the doctors are taking care of it.’

Oh Jesus, he’s gone .

Theo walked to the end of the corridor. He’d seen it before with puppies. When he was a kid, the one that didn’t thrive, always thinking yeah, sure, it’ll make it, but it never does. Not once all this starts. Poor bloody creature. What was that all for? Eh? She’ll go mad. The way she looked at it.

He turned and walked back, preparing his face.

‘What’s happening?’ she asked, twisting a useless wet handkerchief in her hands.

‘I don’t think it’s anything serious,’ he lied jovially. ‘This often happens, I think.’

‘They said he stopped breathing.’

‘Yes, but they know what they’re doing, these doctors.’ He smiled reassuringly. ‘It’s quite amazing the things they can do these days.’

He said all the right things, but she still cried.

‘When are they bringing him back?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Go and see. Please go and see, Theo. Ask them how long.’

But then the hollow-faced nurse came in and took over, plumping up the pillows, filling the water jug, wiping Julia’s face with a cool cloth. ‘Now, now, no more crying,’ she said. ‘This happens sometimes. Dr Chizh knows what to do.’

‘Is he breathing?’

‘Of course he’s breathing.’

Theo tried to read her face. Good poker players, these nurses would make.

‘Where’s Trettenbacher?’ he asked.

‘Dr Trettenbacher’s gone home. He’ll be here first thing in the morning. Shall I bring you some tea? Mr Lent? You look done in.’

Theo wasn’t a tea man but said he’d take some with lemon and sugar. He’d forgotten he was drunk. The tea scalded his throat. Good, he thought, concentrating on the burn. Good. Julia sipped some too, her hand shaking a little as she raised the cup. The nurse went away and returned almost immediately. It was all looking very good, she said. They would be bringing the baby back in about a quarter of an hour. ‘In fact,’ she held up one finger and tilted her head, ‘listen…’

The newborn cry.

‘It’s him!’

‘Of course it’s him.’

Julia laughed. ‘He’s all right.’

‘See,’ said Theo.

Round spins the wheel. Round spins your head, your life, your future. To be or not to be. Theo was not convinced. Long, long ago, when he was a child, his Aunt Losey lost three in a row.

This baby, when it returned, was good as gold, feeding steadily then falling asleep. A quiet baby. That’s the way with some ill babies, he knew that. She didn’t though. She was happy.

‘You go home, Theo,’ she said, touching his arm. ‘You’re so tired.’

‘Go home, Mr Lent,’ the nurse said. ‘She’ll to to sleep now. God knows she needs it and so do you. Get some rest.’

When he got home, Polina had been in and cleaned up and left bread and cheese and pickles. He did nothing for a while, just gazed into space. Don’t think of him. He never even was. What a thing! What a terrible thing! His head felt light. It would’ve been all right. They could have made him part of the show. It was the only real life for them, after all, people like her, people like him. At least he’d never have had to want for anything.

Theo put his hand over his eyes.

Already he was hardening himself to the boy. Terrible thing, terrible, but you just had to get on with life. People got over things. His Aunt Losey did. Best thing all round. Bring another poor freak into the world to suffer. They’d go back to how it was, and he’d take her to Vienna for a holiday. She could see that Friederike she likes so much, go to a few shows. No need to work yet.

He slept restlessly and went back to the hospital late morning the next day. Julia was very tired.

‘I feel sick,’ she said.

Theo touched the baby’s hand. It was just like any baby’s hand, the grip, the softness of the palm. He smiled faintly. ‘Are you all right. Do you want a sick bowl? Shall I get a nurse?’

‘No,’ she said, ‘it’ll pass, I think.’

‘Look, he’s sleeping now,’ Theo said. ‘I’ll put him in his crib.’

‘Would you?’ She yawned and turned onto her side. ‘He’s a very sleepy boy, isn’t he?’ she said.

‘He is.’

Then she was asleep too and there wasn’t much point in hanging round. That day a thaw had began. The sweepers were driving slush along the sides of the roads when Theo went home for the soup Polina had left on the stove, buying himself a pie on the way and eating it before he even reached the door. There was a note from Volkov inviting him to dinner tomorrow night. After he’d eaten, he lay down and fell into a sleep much deeper than any the night had allowed, and it was dark when he woke. Polina had left a bunch of pansies in a jug on the table and they caught his eye as he was leaving. She’d like those he thought, pulling them dripping from the jug and looking round for something to wrap them in. He couldn’t find anything so let them drip as he trudged blearily back through the slush to the hospital. Trettenbacher took him into his office as soon as he arrived. ‘She’s taken a fever,’ he said, leaning back behind his desk. ‘Dr Chizh has given her a sedative, and we’ve managed to get her temperature down. She’s asleep now, best thing for her. A good night’s rest can work wonders.’ All under control, his manner said. ‘You might as well leave it till morning now.’