Carrie Fisher - Postcards from the Edge

“I don’t know, I think it’s the wrong time for me to get into a relationship, but maybe something will happen from this. I do like her. Of course, I like to think I’m in love. That’s what gets me through the whole process, so it doesn’t seem cheap. I can’t act like I’m in love unless I am in love, so I become in love each time.

“Sometimes I think I should marry one of them and just fuck around. There are times when I wish I had kids. I just don’t want a wife . I think I need the kind of relationship where if I want to see other women every now and again, the woman I was with would understand it was just a physical thing, and not about loving somebody else. I would certainly be discreet, like I was very discreet when I was with Jill, my last girlfriend. True, she did find out, but not for a long time. And she didn’t leave me because of it. She left me because I gave her crabs—remember? That was the final thing, that I gave her crabs…

“Maybe I’m kidding myself. Maybe that isn’t the right way to have a relationship. It’s just that I get very claustrophobic and…

“Here’s what I think. I think my areas of expertise are areas of expertise because I do them to excess. I’m expert at my work because I do it to excess. And I think that if I’m finally able to have a relationship, it will be because I do it to excess. It’s almost as if I’m working at it, but it’s a pleasure doing that kind of business. The trouble is, this girl leveled a couple of accusations that really… I don’t think they hit home, but they hit near home. They certainly hit my neighborhood, and I don’t like that.

“I don’t know if I should see her anymore. I mean, we’re talking about someone who’s smart and funny and has great skin and great tits—you know how I love tits—and a great ass and a perfect pussy, but you never know. I mean, she’s great, but there could be a better one. Maybe somebody like me dies looking for the perfect one. I wish I could look and see it all in one girl. I wish I could stay with that one girl and not feel suffocated, not feel frightened of my need, or repelled by it, or whatever.

“It’s like there are so many different facets to each of them, and it’s always interesting, but it’s never interesting for long . This girl’s flaw is that she’s a woman, one woman. She’s only one woman, not all of them. And she’s gonna act like one woman. She’s gonna do all that stuff where she needs me, or she yells at me, or she wants me to be something I’m not. Not that I would respect a woman who accepted me like this. She said something funny, she said, ‘If I could make a man, I’d make him just like you and then I’d try to change him.’ I thought that was pretty self-aware.

“I just don’t like all that nosing around, you know? Where they count the days since you called, and they know exactly what you said you’d be doing, and they remind you of it when you say you did something else? I mean, I think I’m a sensitive guy, but I can’t watch everything I say all the time. I can’t just take care of them all the time. It’s too much responsibility, I’m not ready for that. I don’t know if I’ll ever be.

“At this point, I’d rather make good films than a good home. I’m not saying this is an ideal outlook, I’m just saying it’s how I see things right now. I do think this new picture’s gonna be really good, which will be a drag in a way. Because then, you know, I won’t be able to tell whether women like me for myself or for Ziz! …”

“I was at Helena’s Friday night and I saw George there,” he said. “He was so cold to me I couldn’t believe it.”

“Who were you at Helena’s with?” she said.

“I don’t think… I’m just telling you about George,” he said. “I don’t think that that matters.”

“It’s not that it matters,” she said. “Look, we’ve known each other for three months. I know you don’t see me exclusively, we’ve gone over that. Who were you with?”

“Well, you’ll probably hear about it anyway,” he said. “Charlene Hasselhof.”

“The girl from television?” she said. “The television actress?”

“Yeah,” he said.

“Really?” she said. “I wouldn’t have thought you’d go out with somebody from television.”

“Actually, I normally wouldn’t,” he said. “I find it a very limited medium, as you know. But it turns out she’s very… She’s bright. She’s almost as… No, I would just have to say she’s as bright as you are.”

“She’s as bright as I am,” she said.

“Uh-huh,” he said.

“Is she funny?” she said.

“Well,” he said, “she’s not as funny as you, but she is funny. Yeah, she’s funny. I mean, I was very surprised.”

“Why would you tell me this?” she said. “ Why would you tell me this?”

“What do you mean?” he said. “You asked me. I thought you’d want to know that there was another smart girl out there.”

“Why?” she said. “Why would you think I would want to know that? What is it about me that looks like I would want to know there are other smart pretty girls? Because I’ll fix it. I’ll change it. Is it something I’m wearing? Is my lip curled in a certain way that says, ‘Got to tell her there’s another bright woman around’? Why would you think I would want to know that a beautiful, gorgeous, supermarket-famous face from television is as bright and funny as I am?”

“I didn’t say she was as bright and funny,” he said. “She’s not as bright. She’s not bright like you. She’s bright in a totally different way.”

“How can she be bright in a different way?” she said. “What is her area of expertise? Is she bright about cooking? Literature? She knows languages?”

“Oh, Jesus,” he said. “I really—”

“It’s just so interesting to me,” she said, “that you thought I would want to hear that this beautiful girl is also brilliantly smart and you love her.”

“I don’t love her,” he said. “I don’t know why we’re having this conversation.”

“I’m jealous, okay?” she said. “I admit I am jealous. Look, we don’t have a commitment, but we certainly have an area of commitment, which is that we talk to each other. I mean, we don’t understand each other, but we don’t pretend to understand each other like other people do, and I feel betrayed here. I suppose you talk to her like you talk to me?”

“No, I don’t talk to her,” he said. “In fact—”

“Well, what is she?” she said. “A great fuck?”

“No,” he said. “In fact, we haven’t even fucked yet.”

“Oh, great,” she said. “Great. You respect this one too much to fuck her. You didn’t do that little distance thing in the morning? Or she’s too bright to fall for it?”

“Look, I—” he said.

“You like to have smart girls get stupid over you, don’t you?” she said. “Well, watch out. If they get too stupid, you might as well go back to just boffing bimbos.”

“Look,” he said, “I don’t think we should continue this discussion. I don’t like this side of you.”

“I’m not a box,” she said. “I don’t have sides. This is it. One side fits all. This is it.”

“How did we get on to this?” he said. “Do we need to have this fight? We have an understanding that we don’t have an understanding, and we enjoy it very much. Now I think we should just order some food and have a pleasant evening, if that’s possible.”

“All right, yeah,” she said. “I let myself in for it. I should never have asked you.”

“What do you want to eat?” he said.

“Something bad for me,” she said. “Caffeine and sugar and salt things. French fries, probably some Coke. You know, just stuff that jolts your system. You order.”