Дуглас Кеннеди - Five Days

‘And I’ll be happy,’ I said. ‘Beyond happy.’

‘And your husband will be.?’

‘Shocked, furious, etc. But we too have been adrift for years. He’ll probably tell me that he’ll change. But it’s too late for all that now. My life is, from this point on, with you.’

His fingers tightened around mine.

‘Life can be amazing,’ he said.

‘If you meet the right person at the right moment. Timing is everything. I was only asked to go to this conference ten days ago. Had I not said yes. ’

‘And I was due to see some clients in New Hampshire on Friday afternoon. The fact that they cancelled, the fact that I got to the hotel precisely when you did. ’

‘The fact that you started up a conversation with me while we were in line. ’

‘The fact that we both ended up at that movie house in Cambridge. ’

‘And I only decided to see that film when I saw an ad in the Boston Phoenix, and happened to be around the corner from the movie house at the time. ’

‘The fact that I didn’t show up until a few minutes later, when the lights were already dark. ’

‘Life is so predicated on the convergence of so many small details that land us in a certain place at a certain time. But happenstance doesn’t transform into anything unless choices are made, decisions rendered. Such as the fact that my initial private reaction to your offer of a drink after the movie was: No way. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I simply had never, in all my married years, gone out with a man I’d just met for a drink.’

‘And until last night I’ve always, like you, been faithful.’

‘That’s admirable.’

‘On a certain level, perhaps. But fidelity only works if there’s love. Muriel and I haven’t been in love for. well, knowing what I felt all those years ago with Sarah and, most tellingly, knowing what I feel now with you, I must ask myself if Muriel and I were ever really in love?’

‘It’s the same question I’ve been asking myself since yesterday about me and Dan. The thing is, we’re hardly unique. You scratch most marriages, you discover that people chose their spouse for all sorts of highly compromised reasons, and that they projected onto that other person what they believed they needed — or, worse yet, deserved — at a given moment.’

‘Which is what makes this, us, so singular, so extraordinary. I still find myself asking myself if this really happened. Can I really have met the woman of my life?’

My fingers tightened around his again.

‘The man of my life.’

‘It’s astonishing,’ he said.

‘And just a little crazy.’

‘Nothing wrong with some long-overdue romantic madness.’

‘And so say all of us. But I know that, back in Damariscotta, people will talk. Especially when word gets around, people will accuse me of being irresponsible, immature, having a whopper-sized midlife crisis. And Sally’s classmates — having heard my news from their parents — will, no doubt, say the usual hateful things that teenage girls sling at each other. I will have to talk to Sally about all this — and what she might expect to encounter in school after my news is public.’

‘And what will you tell her?’

‘That life never operates according to plan. That love is the most longed for, yet most mysterious, of emotions. That I met you and, within twenty-four hours, knew that I loved you profoundly. That she knows her father and I have been rudderless for years. That I have a chance here — a real chance at happiness. And I am taking it. But that she will not, in the process, lose me. That I will still always be there for her.’

‘How do you think she’ll react to all that?’

‘Horribly. Especially since her first concern will be that overriding adolescent girl worry — I’m going to be made to look stupid. I am going to be the subject of public ridicule thanks to my love-gooey Mom. I can hear her already telling me how I have ruined her life. Not because I am leaving her father — but because she’s going to be taunted and tormented by her fellow cheerleaders. But Sally will survive this. Dan will survive this.’

‘And Ben?’

‘My wonderfully quirky and original son will probably say something ironic and knowing like, “Way to go, Mom.” I think he’ll like you as well.’

‘Even if I am not the bohemian he aspires to be.’

‘You write. You’ve changed your life. You love his mother and make her supremely happy. Trust me, he’ll be cool with all that.’

‘You’re so lucky having a son like that — talented, clearly sensitive and emotionally smart.’

I put my hand on his arm and squeezed it, saying:

‘I know you’re thinking about Billy right now.’

‘I’m always thinking about Billy. The fact is, there is nothing I can do about Billy anymore. His future is in the hands of the state. He is now so thoroughly institutionalized — and so personally lost — that I can’t see him rejoining his family, let alone society, for the foreseeable future. And yes, that tears away at me all the time. But I’ve also learned to accept that there are certain situations that cannot be put back together again, that are beyond redemption, let alone a happy ending. Like my marriage. And alas, like Billy.’

‘You know you can count on me when it comes to helping you through anything. And you must always tell me everything when it comes to Billy or anything else in your life.’

‘Just as you know, when it comes to Ben and Sally, I am always with you. And I certainly hope Ben manages to continue to lift himself out of that bad place he found himself in.’

‘Curiously, I am coming to believe that his breakdown might mark the beginning of the makings of a much stronger, more independent young man. I think, like all of us, he had the illusion that someone else can fill in all the psychic gaps and holes within you. But what I sense is that, in the wake of his collapse, he’s started to realize perhaps the toughest and most important lesson you have to learn as an adult is that no one but yourself is responsible for your happiness. Just as you are not ultimately responsible for anyone else’s happiness.’

‘And the other great truth behind what you’ve just said is that you have to want to be happy in order to be happy,’ Richard said. ‘I think, for years, I simply accepted my domestic unhappiness as my due — part of the infernal compromise I made. And now. ’

‘Now we can do this all differently. Now we can rewrite the rules of our respective lives.’

It did somewhat bemuse me, hearing myself say such things out loud. Just as I was so conscious of the hugely direct way Richard and I were expressing our love for each other. ‘I have never made love like that before.’ Take it out of context and you think it’s this side of treacly. But isn’t that one of the great wonders of falling in love; the way you start articulating emotional truths in such an unabashed, un-self-censored way? My father once admitted to me after my mother died that he had always had great difficulties telling her, ‘I love you’; that even though theirs was a good marriage, he rarely could bring himself to make that sweeping, crucial declaration on even an irregular basis. Dan was cut from the same reticent material. (Did I subconsciously choose him because he so mirrored my father’s emotional distance?) That, in turn, made the impassioned articulation of feeling between myself and Richard so revelatory. Here was a man who wanted to tell me how much he loved me at every opportunity.

‘“Life can change on a dime,” as my grandfather used to say. Far too much, I should add. But still. how to explain all this?’

‘Love. in all its manifest indisputability.’

‘Now you are showing off,’ I said, laughing. ‘But I still like the sentiment. Especially as it is so true.’