Amy Yamada - Bedtime Eyes

“Coco!”

The sound of Jesse’s voice brought her out of her reverie.

“What are you making?”

“Roast beef,” she replied.

“Oh, okay…” he mumbled.

Roast beef was Jesse’s favorite. This was the first time in her life that Coco had ever considered cooking to please someone. She had begun to make something every day that Jesse would like. When Rick was there she didn’t need to make any effort—as far as he was concerned, whatever Coco made was the most delicious meal he had ever eaten. Even if she served up a burned omelet, Rick would wolf it down greedily, as though it were his last meal. As only a father can, he also made sure that Jesse ate it, too. But now Coco didn’t have Rick to depend on.

“I’m going out for a hamburger,” Jesse announced.

She was washing vegetables, and she froze at his words.

“I need some money.”

She felt as though the whole world was turning black before her.

There was a long pause, but she finally managed to find her voice.

“Why?”

“I want a cheeseburger, that’s why.”

Coco tried to control her anger, but she couldn’t stop her hands from shaking as she took a five-dollar bill from her purse.

“My mama’s a great cook,” said Jesse, blowing a bubble with his gum and popping it.

“What sort of thing does she make for you?” asked Coco, her voice shaking, too.

“Raw eggs and rice,” came the reply.

Coco turned back toward Jesse and threw the money at him. Grinning, he bent down, picked it up from the floor, and walked out the door.

Coco opened the oven door, took the meat, and threw it angrily into the garbage can, beef juices splashing all over her and the kitchen. As she wiped her face, she wondered what the hell she had done to deserve Jesse—she couldn’t believe that anyone would want to hurt her so much all of the time.

The doorbell rang. It was Kay.

“Hey, what’s going on? The meat do something bad?”

Coco slumped down into a chair and put her head in her hands. She still had grease all over her fingers, and now there were bits of meat and fat all over her face and in her hair, too.

“What the hell have I done?” she wailed in despair. She suddenly realized that nobody had ever insulted her the way Jesse had, and as the anger welled up inside her, she started to cry.

“What is it? What’s wrong?” asked Kay, rushing over to put her arm around Coco’s shoulders.

Sobbing, Coco told her about the way she was looking after Jesse and trying to cook him something he would like, but how every night he would take great delight in upsetting her, making her feel used, grinding her feelings into the ground.

“He’s a child. What do you expect?” said Kay, wiping the table a paper napkin to mop up some of the gravy.

A child? Fuck! Was that the way children behaved? Is that what they were really like?

Coco felt like she was going to explode. There was nothing special about cooking for someone. People did it every day. But not Coco. It wasn’t in her nature to cook for someone else.

“I don’t want to try to be his mother. He’s Rick’s kid. I’m just trying to feed the little bastard.”

“But that was your choice,” said Kay matter-of-factly.

Coco was dumbstruck. She couldn’t say anything. Kay was right. If she wanted to live with Rick, she had to accept that Jesse was part of the deal.

“Of course, I don’t know much about this shit, but aren’t kids just like that anyway? Don’t they do whatever they want without thinking about it first? And especially a kid like Jesse, who has never had a mother to teach him right from wrong. But you know, everybody’s asking the same question, girl. Why are you sticking with this guy? I mean, he’s got a kid and all. And when did you start being his maid? Come on now, tell me the truth. What are you doing? Is it curiosity? Are you just doing it to be nice or what? Guys like him with a kid in tow—can he really be all that special?”

Coco didn’t know how to put her feelings for Rick into words. She had never been in love like this before and she couldn’t explain it. She was confused. When it was just sex, she found that relationships with men were very easy. But when they started to become a part of everyday life, things were much too difficult. Of course there was sex in everyday life, too; the hard part was learning to deal with the toothbrush side of things.

“You’re just not used to kids. That’s all it is,” said Kay.

She was trying desperately to lift Coco’s spirits. Kay and Coco had been close for many years now, sharing their deepest secrets with each other, and now that they were adults there was little need to talk about the details. Kay just understood. Kay could sense that for whatever reason, Coco was falling deeply in love with Rick. Coco wouldn’t admit it, of course. It was too embarrassing for her.

“I think I’m just feeling uptight,” said Coco. “I’m sorry.”

“Hey, I know you’re in love with Rick, okay? But what about the kid? What are you going to do about him? If you don’t think you can put up with him, you shouldn’t let yourself get in too deep.”

“Okay, I admit it—I don’t like Jesse. For one thing, he’s not mine.

His mother is some woman that Rick was in love with before me. Even worse, he’s living proof that Rick screwed her. But Jesse’s mother has dumped him, so if I care for Rick, I’ve got to accept that boy, too. Right now all I want to do is make Rick happy. I love telling him jokes and making him laugh, and I love teaching him stuff he doesn’t know. I love giving him a good time in bed, and, really, looking after Jesse is just another part of that—it’s just something I have to do.”

Kay didn’t believe a word of it. She couldn’t understand how a girl like Coco whose self-centered attitude was one of the things that made her so attractive, could suddenly become so obsessed with making someone else happy. It just wasn’t like her.

“Aren’t you the same girl that used to look down on people who fell in love like this?” asked Kay.

“All right, don’t rub it in.”

“I can’t believe you’d put raising a child and sex on the same level. It can’t be that much fun.”

Coco knew that Kay was right. She felt as though she was making a very big mistake. While Coco was deep in thought, Kay got up to make her a drink, and as she did so, Jesse came home, munching on french fries.

“Hi, Jesse. How ya doin’?” she asked.

“Um, okay.”

“Hey, I got you a present,” she said, handing him a package.

Jesse tore off the wrapping paper and found a toy plane inside.

“I didn’t hear you say thank you, Jesse,” said Coco.

Jesse moved toward Kay to give her a thank-you kiss and suddenly Coco felt a rush of affection for him.

“Thank you…”

Kay’s mouth fell open in disbelief. Coco looked at her, confused.

Kay’s cheek was wet. As he thanked her, Jesse had spit in her face. When she realized what had happened, Coco grabbed hold of him by the collar and tried to slap his face. Although Jesse was smaller than she was, he was a strong boy. She tried to hit him several more times without success, and finally caught him with such a hard slap that it sounded as though the bones in her wrist had broken. Jesse quit struggling. He just glared at her in silence. Blood began to trickle from his nose.

Coco couldn’t quite believe what she had done. She just stood there, rubbing her sore hand ruefully, and tears began to well up in her eyes.

Any regrets she had, however, evaporated when she felt Jesse kick her—hard, in the back.

Coco collapsed on the floor, bent over in agony. She pressed her hand into the small of her back in an attempt to reduce the pain. It hurt so badly that she couldn’t breathe. Jesse was insane. He wasn’t human.