Бекки Алберталли - Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda

SUBJECT: Re: Sweet tooth?

Jacques,

I really appreciate you looking out for my health. It will be hard, but I know my body will thank me. Seriously, I can’t argue with the fact that Oreos are extremely delicious, and the menu you described actually sounds amazing. Although, for me, I’ll have to leave out the deep-fried Oreo dinner. I made the mistake of eating one once at a carnival right before going on the Tilt-A-Whirl. I’ll spare you the details, but let it be said that people who get nauseated easily have no business riding the Tilt-A-Whirl. I haven’t been able to look at deep-fried Oreos the same way since. Sorry to even have to tell you that. I know Oreos are really important to you.

I have to admit I like to imagine you as a kid fantasizing about junk food. I also like to imagine you now fantasizing about sex. I can’t believe I just wrote that. I can’t believe I’m hitting send.

—Blue

HE LIKES TO IMAGINE ME fantasizing about sex.

That’s something I probably shouldn’t have read right before bed. I lie here in the pitch-darkness, reading that particular line on my phone again and again. I’m jittery and awake and completely in knots, all from an email. And I’m hard. So, that’s kind of strange.

It’s really confusing. A good kind of confusing. Blue is normally so careful about what he writes.

He likes to imagine me fantasizing about sex!

I thought I was the only one who had those kinds of thoughts about us.

I wonder what it would be like to meet him in person, after all this time. Would we even have to speak? Would we go straight into making out? I think I can picture it. He’s in my bedroom, and we’re totally alone. He sits beside me on the bed and turns to look at me with his blue-green eyes. Cal Price’s eyes. And then his hands cup my face, and all of a sudden, he’s kissing me.

My hands cup my face. Well. My left hand cups my face. My right hand is occupied.

I picture it. He kisses me, and it’s nothing like Rachel or Anna or Carys. I can’t even. It’s not even in the same stratosphere. There’s this electric tingly feeling radiating through my whole body and my brain has gone fuzzy and I actually think I can hear my heartbeat.

I have to be so, so quiet. Nora’s on the other side of the wall.

His tongue is in my mouth. His hands slide up under my shirt, and he trails his fingers across my chest. I’m so close. It’s almost unbearable. God . Blue.

My whole body turns to jelly.

On Monday, Leah intercepts me as I walk into school.

“Hey,” she says. “Nora, I’m stealing him.”

“What’s up?” I ask. The ground slopes, and there’s this concrete ledge that curves around the courtyard. Parts of it are just low enough to the ground that it makes a kind of shelf for your butt.

Leah avoids my eyes. “I made you a mix,” she says, handing me a CD in a clear plastic case. “You can load it onto your iPod when you get home. Whatever.”

I turn the case over in my hands. Instead of a track list, Leah has composed what appears to be a haiku:

“Leah. It’s so beautiful.”

“Yeah, okay.” She scoots backward on the ledge and leans back on her hands, looking at me. “All right. Are we cool?”

I nod. “You mean about . . .”

“About you guys ditching me on homecoming.”

“I’m really sorry, Leah.”

The edges of her mouth tug up. “You’re so freaking lucky it’s your birthday.”

And then she pulls a cone-shaped party hat out of her bag and straps it onto my head.

“Sorry if I overreacted,” she adds.

There’s a massive sheet cake at lunch, and when I get to the table, everyone is wearing party hats. That’s the tradition. No one gets cake without the hat. Garrett seems to be gunning for two pieces, actually. He’s got a pair of cones strapped onto his head like horns.

“Siiimon,” Abby says, except she actually sings it in this low, husky opera voice. “Hands out, eyes closed.” I feel something nearly weightless drop onto my palm. I open my eyes, and it’s a piece of paper folded into a bow tie and colored in with a gold crayon.

A couple of people from other tables look at us, and I feel myself grinning and blushing. “Should I wear it?”

“Uh, yeah,” she says. “You have to. Golden bow tie for your golden birthday.”

“My what?”

“Your golden birthday. Seventeen on the seventeenth,” Abby says. Then she tilts her chin up dramatically and extends her hand. “Nicholas, the tape.”

Nick has been holding three pieces of Scotch tape on the ends of his fingertips for who knows how long. Honest to God. He’s like her little pet monkey.

Abby tapes on my bow tie and pokes my cheeks, which is something she does weirdly often because apparently my cheeks are adorable. Whatever the heck that means.

“So, whenever you’re ready,” Leah says. She’s holding a plastic knife and a stack of plates, and she seems to be making a point of not looking at Nick or Abby.

“So ready.”

Leah slices it into perfect little squares, and seriously, it’s like waves of magical deliciousness have shot into the atmosphere. Guess which table of A.P. nerds have somehow become the most popular kids in school.

“No hat, no cake.” Morgan and Anna lay down the law from the other end of the table. A couple of kids tape pieces of loose-leaf paper into cone hats, and one dude manages to wedge a brown paper lunch bag on his head like a chef’s hat. People are shameless when it comes to cake. It’s a beautiful thing to see.

The cake itself is so perfect that I know Leah picked it out: half chocolate and half vanilla, because I can never commit to a favorite, and covered in that weirdly delicious Publix icing. And no red icing. Leah knows I think it tastes too red.

Leah’s really amazing at birthdays.

I bring the leftovers to rehearsal, and Ms. Albright lets us have a cake picnic on the stage. And by cake picnic, I mean drama kids hunched over the box like vultures shoveling cake by the fistful.

“Ohmigod, I think I just gained five pounds,” says Amy Everett.

“Aww,” says Taylor, “I guess I’m lucky I have a really fast metabolism.”

Seriously, that’s Taylor. I mean, even I know people can justifiably kill you for saying stuff like that.

And speaking of cake-related casualties: Martin Addison is sprawled out on the stage with his face in the empty cake box.

Ms. Albright steps over him. “All right, guys. Hop to it. Pencils out. I want you writing this stuff down in your scripts.”

I don’t mind the writing. The scene we’re blocking takes place in a tavern, and I’m basically just making notes reminding myself to act drunk. It’s kind of too bad these aren’t the notes we’ll be tested on for our finals. That would really improve some people’s grades.

We push through without a break today, but I’m not in every scene, so I actually have quite a bit of downtime. There are risers pushed to the side of the stage left over from a choir concert. I sit near the bottom and rest my elbows on top of my knees. Sometimes I forget how nice it is to just sit back and watch things.

Martin is standing downstage left, telling a story to Abby and using lots of twitchy gestures. She’s shaking her head and laughing. So maybe Martin hasn’t given up after all.

And suddenly Cal Price is standing in front of me, nudging my foot with the toe of his sneaker. “Hey,” he says. “Happy birthday.”

This is a happy birthday.

He sits beside me on the riser, a foot or so away. “Doing anything to celebrate?”