Iris Murdoch - Under the Net

One or two lights were burning in the corridor, but the patients' rooms were all in darkness. The kitchen and the Administration Rooms were dark too, except for the Sister's Room, and from this a light was streaming through the door, the upper half of which was made of frosted glass. Through this semi-transparent medium I feared that the Night Sister, to whom I was ready to attribute supernatural powers, let alone any ordinary human acuteness, might see me passing by; so I manoeuvred the first part of the corridor on my hands and knees. When I was well past her door I stood up and glided on, and as I went I could not hear myself making a sound. An uncanny stillness was drinking me up. I was now at the door of Hugo's room. I took hold of the handle, which consisted of a sloping steel bar which had to be depressed in order to open the door. I wrapped it firmly in my hand as if to master it into silence and I depressed it with a strong smooth movement. Holding it well down I pushed the door. It opened like a dream door as quietly as if it were giving way to my thought. I held the handle until I was well through the doorway and then took hold of the handle on the inside with my other hand. I closed the door firmly behind me and released the handle. There had been no noise.

I was in semi-darkness. In the door at about the level of the human head there was a small rectangular window about eighteen inches square through which some light came from the corridor. I could see the red of the blankets and a humped shape upon the high bed. An instinct of caution made me fall on one knee. Then the shape stirred, and Hugo's voice said sharply, 'Who is it?'

I said, 'Sssh!' and added, 'It's Jake Donaghue.'

There was a moment's silence and then Hugo said, 'My God!'

I wanted to get out of the light. I swivelled to a sitting position and propelled myself upon my buttocks through underneath Hugo's bed. I had thoroughly cleaned the floor of this room on the previous afternoon before Hugo's arrival, and I slid upon it now as smoothly as a jack on the ice. I came to rest on the other side of the bed, where I sat against the wall with my knees drawn up. I felt completely calm.

Hugo's eyes looked for me in the dark and found me. I smiled, inclining my head.

'This is a bit much!' said Hugo. 'I was asleep.'

'Don't speak so loudly,' I told him, 'or the Night Sister will hear.'

He lowered his voice to a whisper. 'Wish you wouldn't keep following me about!'

This annoyed me. 'I'm not following you!' I whispered back. 'Iwork here. The last thing I expected was that you'd be brought in.' You work here?' said Hugo. 'What do you do?'

'I'm an orderly.'

'Good heavens!' said Hugo. 'Still, you might have waited till tomorrow.'

'It would have been very hard to see you during the day when I'm on duty,' I said.

So you're not on duty now?' said Hugo. 'No.'

'So you are following me.'

'Oh, go to hell!' I told him. 'Look, Hugo, I want to talk to you about a number of things.'

'Well, I can't get away this time, can I?' he said.

He settled back into the bed and for a few moments we looked at each other in the way that people look when they cannot see each other's eyes.

'What are you so upset about, Jake?' Hugo asked. 'I felt it at the studio. For years you make no attempt to see me, and then suddenly you start chasing me about like a mad thing.'

I felt I had to be truthful. 'I've seen Sadie and Anna and this reminded me of you,' I said.

I could see Hugo closing up like a sea anemone. 'How did you meet those two again?' he asked in a cautious voice.

I felt I had to be desperately truthful. 'The girl I was staying with threw me out, so I looked for Anna and she passed me on to Sadie.'

I could see Hugo shiver. 'Did Sadie say anything about me?' he asked.

'Nothing in particular,' I said, uttering the first lie. 'But I got some news of you from Anna.' I wanted to get back to the subject of Anna.

'Yes,' said Hugo, 'Anna told me she'd seen you. You came to the theatre one night, didn't you? I wanted to see you afterwards. I was sorry when Anna said you'd gone. You evidently weren't very anxious to see me then.'

I felt unable to comment on this in detail. 'I was afraid to see you, Hugo,' I said.

'I can't understand you, Jake,' said Hugo. 'I don't see how anyone could be afraid of me. I never could see why you cleared off like that before. I wanted to talk to you very much then. There was never anyone I could discuss with like you. We might have discussed that stuff of yours.'

'What stuff?' I asked.

'That book of yours,' said Hugo. 'I forget when it came out, but it must have been some time after you cleared off from Battersea, or else we would have talked about it, and I don't remember talking of it with you.'

I leaned my head back and pressed it hard against the wall, as one might do to ease a crisis of drunkenness.

Do you mean The Silencer?' I asked.

Yes, that thing,' said Hugo. 'Of course, I found it terribly hard in parts. Wherever did you get all those ideas from?'

From you, Hugo,' I said weakly.

'Well,' said Hugo, of course I could see that it was about some of the things we'd talked of. But it sounded so different.'

'I know!' I said.

So much better, I mean,' said Hugo. 'I forget really what we talked about then, but it was a terrible muddle, wasn't it? Your thing was so clear. I learnt an awful lot from it.'

I stared at Hugo. His bandaged head was silhouetted in the light from the little window; I could not see his expression. 'I was ashamed about that thing, Hugo,' I said.

'I suppose one always is, about what one writes,' said Hugo.

'I've never had the nerve to write anything. I hope you made some money out of it anyway. Did it sell well?'

'Not very,' I said. I wondered for a moment if he were mocking me; but it was impossible. Hugo was incapable of mockery. 'Too highbrow, I suppose,' said Hugo. 'People never like original stuff when they first see it. I hope you weren't put off. Are you writing another dialogue?'

'No!' I said, and added, just to keep the conversation going while I collected my wits, 'I thought of looking the thing over lately and developing one or two of the ideas, but I couldn't get hold of a copy.'

'A pity! You could have borrowed mine,' said Hugo. 'I keep one in the drawer of my desk and look at it sometimes. It reminds me a bit of our talks. I used to enjoy them so much. My brain's quite gone to seed since then.'

'I came to your flat one night last week,' I said, 'and you'd left a note saying Gone to the pub, and I went round the pubs looking for you.'

You can't have gone far,' said Hugo. 'I was in the King Lud.'

'I went eastward,' I said. 'I met Lefty Todd that night.'

'Of course, you know Lefty, don't you,' said Hugo. 'I saw him today at the meeting, before someone chucked the brick at me.'

'How is your head, by the way?' I asked.

'Oh, it's all right,' said Hugo. 'I've just got a raging headache--which but for you would be raging in my sleep. But, Jake, you haven't told me why you cleared off. Did I do something to offend you?'

'No,' I said patiently, 'I did something to offend you. 'But I see now there was a misunderstanding. Let's skip it.'

I could see Hugo looking at me intently. The bulky bandage gave him an enormous head. 'The trouble with you, Jake,' said Hugo, 'is that you're far too impressed by people. You were far too impressed by me.'

I was surprised. 'I was impressed,' I said, 'but I didn't know you knew.'

'Everyone must go his own way, Jake,' said Hugo. 'Things don't matter as much as you think.'

I felt exasperated with Hugo. 'I don't know what you mean,' I said. 'You thought something mattered enough when you took so much trouble with that theatre in Hammersmith.' I wanted to draw him on the subject of Anna.