Cecelia Ahern - The Time of My Life

‘Would you like a lift in my superhero car?’ Don asked casually but I could tell he was feeling uncomfortable. Not only was he embarrassed about his mode of transport but it was the morning after the night before, night had become day and he was still in the same clothes, and I was detached, and had been for the past half–hour. I wasn’t giving him very much to cling onto.

‘No thanks, I have to drive to my parents straight after work.’

Now for the awkward moment: did we shake hands, high-five or kiss goodbye? Mr Don Lockwood, thank you ever so much for the hot random spontaneous sex, it was truly a pleasure being acquainted with you and your private parts but really I must dash and tell my ex-boyfriend I still love him. Toodle-pips.

‘I have a day off tomorrow, if you’d like to meet up. Go for lunch. Or have coffee, or dinner or drinks.’

‘That’s a lot of options,’ I said awkwardly, trying to figure out how to say none of the above in a polite way. ‘I have to take a trip after work and I won’t be back until …’ I was going to say ‘late’ but maybe Blake would take me back then and there and I’d have to hire a removal van to pack up my flat and relocate to Bastardstown, Co. Wexford. That should have felt exciting, but it didn’t, because I loved my little flat and I didn’t want to ever leave it. Would Blake come and live with me in it? The Blake I once knew wouldn’t have been seen dead in a flat like that, there wasn’t enough surface in the kitchen for him to roll out the dough for his pizza base, and if he tossed it in the air it would get stuck in the strip lighting. We’d be battling for space on the curtain beam – he had as many clothes as I did – and he probably wouldn’t fit in the narrow bath, never mind the two of us like we used to do on Sunday evenings with a bottle of wine. I pictured Jenna wrapping her legs around his waist in the tub and my heart began pumping at top speed again. I got lost in my mind trying to figure out the logistics of my future with Blake in my new life while Don was looking at me.

‘Of course,’ he said, studying me a little too intensely for my liking. ‘You’re going to see your ex.’

I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything.

He cleared his throat. ‘It’s not much of my business but …’ And then he decided not to go there, maybe because I had looked away. His new tone surprised me; it was immediately distanced, a little bit hardened. ‘Okay, well, thanks for last night.’ I looked at him and he nodded and walked away. He waved at Life, Life waved back, and he got into his car, started up the engine. I didn’t want it to end like this, even though it had been me who had led it in this direction, but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I didn’t want the outcome reversed, just how it came about, so I watched him drive away feeling like the biggest bitch in the world and then I headed to my car.

‘Hey.’ Life chased after me. ‘What happened?’

‘Nothing happened.’

‘He just walked off, did you have a fight?’

‘No.’

‘Did he ask you out again?’

‘Yes.’

‘And?’

‘I can’t. We’re going away tomorrow.’

I put the key in the car door but it wouldn’t budge. I battled with it under Life’s stare.

‘We’re going there and back for the evening . You’ll be back again late tomorrow night.’

‘Yeah, maybe.’

‘What do you mean, maybe?’

I was frustrated with the key, I was frustrated with my life and I snapped.

‘Tomorrow I am going to tell the love of my life that I am still in love with him. Do you think for one minute that I’m hoping I’ll be back by tomorrow night in order to go on a date with a man who drives a yellow van with a magic carpet on it?’

Life was momentarily stunned, then he took the key from my hand, turned it gently and the door opened. ‘Let’s go,’ he said.

‘That’s it?’ I watched him walk around the car to the passenger side, cool, calm and collected.

He shrugged.

‘No lectures, no weird psychology, no metaphors, that’s it?’

‘Don’t worry, nothing speaks louder than a lifetime of regret and self-loathing.’ He got into the car and turned on the radio.

Adele’s ‘Someone Like You’ was playing. He turned it up.

I turned it down. He turned it back up. I listened for a short while about how her love had moved on and found somebody else but eventually I had to change it to NewsTalk.

He looked at me and frowned. ‘You don’t like music?’

‘I love music, I just don’t listen to it any more.’

He twisted around in his seat to look at me. ‘Since when?’

I pretended to think about it. ‘About two years.’

‘Two years, eleven months and twenty days, by any chance?’

‘That’s a bit specific, I don’t know.’

‘Yes, you do.’

‘OK, fine.’

‘You can’t listen to music.’

‘I didn’t say I can’t. ’

He switched over to Adele again. I quickly switched it off.

‘Ha!’ he said and pointed a finger at me. ‘You can’t listen to music.’

‘Fine! It makes me sad. Why are you so happy about that?’

‘I’m not,’ he snapped. ‘I’m just happy I’m right.’

We looked away from each other, both in a huff now. I felt that today was one of those days that I did not love my life.

I lost him in the queues to get through security and into Mantic, and after searching around for him in every place I could think of I eventually gave up and went to the office by myself; but he’d got there before me and was sitting in the black leather chair being questioned by a rapidly speaking Mouse who was reading from a sheet of paper. Nosy had Graham’s watch in her hand, set to stopwatch mode, Twitch was standing by with the largest beam on his face drinking from his Best Dad in the World mug. I joined him and watched my life.

‘In what year did Lucy get so drunk she went to a tattoo parlour and got a heart tattoo?’

‘2000,’ Life responded instantly.

My eyes widened. I was his specialist subject.

‘And where is said tattoo?’

‘On her arse.’

‘Be more specific.’

Life flapped at the air trying to think. ‘I saw it this morning. Eh … eh … eh, her left buttock.’

‘Correct.’

Graham looked at me with hungry eyes and everyone cheered.

‘At the tender age of five, Lucy got her first stage role as what in The Wizard of Oz ?’

‘A Munchkin.’

‘What did she do on the opening night?’

‘Peed her pants and had to be taken off stage.’

‘Correct!’ Mary laughed.

‘Ah Lucy, there you are,’ Twitch said, finally noticing me. ‘I had a word with the cafeteria this morning about your three-bean salad.’

I had to take a moment to remember.

‘I told them that a colleague of mine had purchased the salad and that as far as we could see there were only two bean types in the three-bean salad. She asked me if I’d seen my colleague eat the beans to which I took enormous offence and asked to see the manager. Anyway, to make a long story short because I was in there a very long time assuring them of your word …’

The others cheered at another correct response from Life but I was so touched that Twitch still believed in me despite the Spanish incident that I didn’t want to tune into them.

‘… while I was in there they checked the remaining containers and indeed you’re right, the entire stock of three-bean salads consisted of only two beans. It was missing the cannellini beans which to be perfectly honest isn’t a bean that I’m familiar with.’ He was clearly in awe of this discovery. ‘So I said to the manager, “How do you intend on compensating my colleague who did not receive what was promised, it’s like a shepherd’s pie without the lamb, a sherry trifle without the sherry. It’s simply unacceptable .”’