Кевин Кван - China Rich Girlfriend

Makeup

Your makeup, unfortunately, requires a complete overhaul. The tofu-milk skin and cherry-red lips no longer suit you — now that you are a respectable wife and mother, it is essential that you no longer appear like the unattainable object of fantasy for pubescent boys. We need to create a visage that is pleasing and nonthreatening to well-bred women of all age groups. You want your color and complexion to look as if you only spent fifty seconds on it because you were too busy repotting tulips in your garden. I will accompany you to Germaine, my beauty consultant at the Elizabeth Arden counter at Sogo Causeway Bay. (You need not actually buy all your new products at Arden — they are far too overpriced. We can pick up new cosmetics at Mannings Pharmacy, but you will buy one or two lipsticks at Arden in order to qualify for the free consultation and makeover. I may also have an additional coupon for a free gift with purchase — please remind me.)

Other Grooming Suggestions

Discontinue the use of nail polish in red or any shades of red. (Yes, pink is a shade of red.) This is nonnegotiable — you must remember that we have the Herculean task of removing any connotations of talons, claws, or grasping hands from your person. If I could get you to wear white gloves or wrap your fingers in rosary beads all the time, I would. From now on, get used to nude nails or monochromatic tones of beige. For special occasions, Jin Soon’s “Nostalgia” is a shade of pink beige polish that I will allow.

In order to further avoid being mistaken for one of those girls who have been set up with a driver and a one-bedroom flat in Braemar Hill, you will also discontinue use of any perfumes or scented products. I will provide you with an essential oil made from ylang-ylang, sage, and other secret ingredients that will make you smell like you have been baking apple tarts all morning.

WARDROBE

I know you have been working with a top Hollywood fashion stylist who introduced you to couture and gave you an avant-garde look. Well, that look achieved its goals — you were noticed. But one of my most urgent goals is to purge you from the photo sections of all the magazines. As I have mentioned to you more than once, the sort of people you are now striving to cultivate prize invisibility more than anything. When was the last time you saw Jeannette Sang or Helen Hou-Tin in the party pages? I’ll tell you the answer: ONCE OR TWICE A YEAR AT MOST. There has been far too much conversation about and coverage on your clothes, and you are more overexposed than the Venus de Milo. It’s now time to evolve into your next persona: Mrs. Bernard Tai — dedicated mother and humanitarian on the rise .

(Please do not ever refer to yourself as a “philanthropist” again. It is the height of pretension. If anyone asks you what you do, say: “I am a full-time mother, and I do some part-time charity work.”)

My assistants and I have done a full assessment and audit of your closet, and you will find that all apparel and accessories deemed appropriate remain as they are, while inappropriate clothing and accessories have been relocated into the second, third, and fourth guest bedrooms (with some additional overflow in the Karaoke room). I hope you are not too alarmed by the rigorous edit we have done. I know the average outfit in your wardrobe costs more than a semester of tuition at Princeton, but it makes you look like a community college during summertime: NO CLASS. From my tally, there are twelve pieces remaining in your closet that are still fit to be seen in public, and three handbags. (Four, actually — I will allow you to carry the Olympia Le Tan “To Kill a Mockingbird” book clutch on special occasions, only because it has such noble connotations.) Please see APPENDIX A, which lists all approved designers and brands for your new wardrobe. Any designers notlisted there are off-limits for the next year, with one exception: You should under no circumstances wear Roberto Cavalli ever again. Please do not think me brutal: I have specially curated this list in order for you to be dressed elegantly — but forgettably —in daily life. As Coco Chanel said, “Dress impeccably and they notice the woman.”

For big functions (and you will only be attending a few in the next year), we will choose an elegant gown that exudes a quiet luxury. (Please google “Queen Rania of Jordan” for some examples.)

JEWELRY

The vast majority of your jewelry is of such a size and flamboyance that it crosses the point of vulgarity and enters into a territory that can only be described as obscene. Don’t you realize that at your age, big gemstones only serve to make you seem older? As they say, “The larger the diamonds, the older the wife, the more the mistresses.” You do not need to look like a sixtysomething matron who has been placated with jewels by a husband who is keeping girlfriends in every province of China. All the pieces not listed below — especially the 55-carat diamond ring given to you by Her Majesty the Sultana of Borneo — should be stored in your vault for the foreseeable future. Evening jewelry for official functions will be negotiated on a case-by-case basis, but your daytime jewelry will now be restricted to the following:

• Wedding band (not your Tiffany one but your original wedding ring from the Little Chapel of the West in Las Vegas)

• Graff 4.5-carat diamond solitaire ring

• Mikimoto pearl stud earrings

• Lynn Nakamura Tahitian black pearl drop earrings

• K. S. Sze single-strand champagne pearl necklace

• 3-carat pear-shaped diamond earrings (to be worn only with extremely casual sportswear — which creates a refreshingly unexpected juxtaposition and makes the size of the gemstones acceptable)

• L’Orient ruby ring on tension mounting

• Carnet orchid brooch

• Pomellato Madera quartz ring

• Edward Chiu diamond-and-jade tennis bracelet

• Vintage Cartier Tank Américaine wristwatch

To this collection, you should add a few fun, cheap trinkets to wear — like some Tibetan prayer beads, a Jawbone UP band, a child’s toy necklace, or a rubber wristband supporting some charitable cause. This will further solidify the notion that you are Mrs. Bernard Tai, and you no longer have anything to prove to anyone!

LIFESTYLE

Interior Design and Decoration

Kaspar von Morgenlatte did an admirable job with your apartment, but the look is somewhat outdated and more than a little disturbing. (If I recall, the design concept was commissioned by your husband in the early 2000s to evoke the Miami Beach bachelor pad of a Bolivian drug cartel kingpin. This was done extremely successfully. I particularly admired the “chalk body outline” mother-of-pearl inlay on the ebony wood floor and the trompe l’oeil “bullet marks” on your master bedroom headboard, but I think that it would be inadvisable to host a children’s birthday party here, especially while those Lisa Yuskavage paintings are still hanging.)

Rather than attempt a decor overhaul, which would take far too long anyway, I think you should instead be on the hunt for a new property. Living in a penthouse at Optus Towers sends the wrong message at this stage in your life — you are neither the second son of a tycoon nor the managing director of some third-tier Swiss bank. It may have been designed by that famous American architect (overrated, in my opinion), but it is not considered one of the “good family” buildings. I would like to see you relocate to a house in one of the neighborhoods on the south side of the island — Repulse Bay, Deep Water Bay, or even Stanley. This will send the message that you are a seriously committed wife and mother (never mind all the French expats in Stanley that ought to be committed).