Дуглас Коупленд - Microserfs

"This isn't good for us, because Silicon Valley firms have little or no experience with Procter&Gamble-style focus grouping, but they won't admit it. So they pose as multimedia visionaries instead. They might as well be slitting open a sheep and reading the entrails. It's a big exercise in chain-yanking. Let the floor show begin!"

We arrived and got out of the car. "Ethan, here – some leaves have fallen on your shoulder." I snowplowed away drifts of dandruff from his suit. "There," I said, "all set."

(Condensed Version ... Venture Capital Meeting (My First [and Last])

1) Me: (I'm dressed like an outpatient; these VC people are dressed like they're about to whisper a deal into David Geffen's left ear. Why didn't Ethan dress me properly? He began flaking the moment we walked in the doorway. His shoulders!) "Hello."

2) VC Woman with Barbra-Streisand-in-Concert Hairdo:

"Investors want to see a committed, marketing-sensitive visionary at the product's helm." (Who the heck is that ... Michael? Marketing Sensitive?)

3) Me: (Nodding and seeming interested) "Hmmm ...."

4) A different VC with an eerie resemblance to Barry Diller:

"One of the main reasons people start companies is to control their environment and the people they work with." Michael nods. Ethan agrees.

5) Richie Rich Boomersomething with loud Hermes tie: silence

6) Barbra: (earnestly) "Is there an opening for world class leadership in this product's area?"

7) Barry: "Start-ups appeal either to jaded cynics – because they know the way things really work – or to the totally naive – because they don't. Which are you?"

8) Ethan: "We're that irreducible 5 percent of talented people – our culture's pearl divers."

9) Young VC guy, who would be the same age as Rosemary's Baby:

"You'll need more than lots of pearl divers ..." (smug titters) "You need focus groups. People surprise you. They tell you that what you thought was worth $99 is only worth $29."

10) Barry: (sugarishly) "We have to function as parents to new companies who are in the process of growing up."

11) Hermes tie: more silence

12) Ethan: "That's where I come in." (give prisoner last cigarette)

13) Ethan: (now on a roll) "VC was in a lull until spring of 1992, and then came" [awed pause] "convergence. Unless there's a breakthrough hit, by 1997, multimedia is going to be a leper industry. We have the missing killer app right here."

14) Barbra: "Yes, but as a VC firm we like to feel we're beyond 'the hit thing' now. In general, we don't like small, technology-oriented companies. There's nothing the world wants as little as a new technology company. If you give a company $2 million, they'll spend it all and never ship a profitable product."

15) Hermes tie: noise of his silence equals noise of his tie

16) Rosemary's Baby: "With a round-one seed, all of the risk is ahead of you."

17) Barry: "Frankly, we're not totally convinced you have a crew that can market your product, that is, should it even make it past beta."

18) Me: (Detached metaphysical perspective: as we speak, the Stanford Linear Accelerator, a quarter of a mile south, running underneath the Mensa Freeway, is quietly blowing up atoms into quarks and bosons and leptons and Fruity Pebbles.) "Hmmm."

19) Ethan: "Frankly," (Oooh – everybody's trying to compete with each other through overuse of the word frank) "I have brought four products to market myself. Four very successful products. (Unspoken sentiment hangs in the air like dying fart: "Yeah, but your companies all tanked within a year. ") "Our staff is so dedicated to the project they are working without pay until an alpha version is ready."

20) Me: (Inside thought balloon above my head as Ethan looks at me with this big You're-fucked-and-you-have-no-choice'' in front of all these suits): "What do you mean working without pay?"

21) Me: (Out loud) "We have to have a product that works first, and we can take care of the business side, with your help ..." (The one thing I say and it's obsequious and stupid. Q: Do I feel like a liability? A: Yes.)

22) Hermes Tie: "We'd like to help you ... mwah mwah mwah (Charlie Brown's Teacher noise) ... no infrastructure ... mwah mwah mwah ... no corporate plan for growth ... mwah mwah mwah ... ." (Pull trap door)

23) Rosemary's Baby: (Parting shot to me, in confidence, after the others have left – like he's really helping us out as he discreetly escorts me toward the Mission oak doorway): "You probably wouldn't want to work for a VC-funded firm because in the end they'll just crack the whip and force you to ship, even if it's not entirely full-featured."

24) Suits: (I paraphrase) "Please fuck off and die."

25) Ethan: "Dinner, dance, and a kiss at the door. So much for meeting number 216. Well, pal, there's a saying down in these parts: twenty-four hours heals all wounds.

26) FIN

I asked Ethan in the Ferrari on the way back to the office, "What do you mean we're working without pay?" and he said, "Well, technically, yes."

I flipped out: "Yes?!"

Then he said, "Well, technically, no."

"Ethan, what the fuck is going on?" I asked.

"Don't be so petty bourgeois, Dan. Look at the big picture."

The Ferrari passed about eight cars in one fell swoop. I didn't want to look petty. "I'm not petty, Ethan, " I said.

"And I am?''

"That's not the issue."

"Stop being so linear about money. Be horizontal. It's all cool."

I asked Mom what she thought of Karla and she said she thought she was "delightful." Sounded a bit forced.

No flu symptoms yet.

Lunch today.

Karla was draggy with the flu, but she forced herself to come. She, Mom, and I went to lunch at the Empire Grill and Tap Room. As we entered, there were two seeing-eye dogs and two blind masters standing near to each other. Within seconds, Mom was down on the floor chatting with the dogs. She then interrogated the dogs' owners: "Do you two hang around together a lot? Do your dogs get to visit each other? They would make good company for each other, you know." (My mother the matchmaker.)

The two owners laughed and said, "I should think so – we're married." Mom exclaimed, "Oh – how wonderful – they can discuss their jobs with each other!" (Mom's a true Silicon Valley girl – she grew up here, down in Sunnyvale.) "Oh my, you must meet Misty -" and she raced out to the car to fetch Misty, and the three dogs were soon sniffing each other.

I was aching to get to lunch, but Mom and the two blind people were deep in DogTalk. I went out to Mac's and bought a copy of the San Jose Mercury News. When I returned they were still there, laughing. They exchanged cards, and afterward I asked Mom what they were laughing about, and she said, "We tried to think of the worst seeing-eye breed imaginable and we came up with the idea of the 'seeing-eye whippet,' prancing into traffic ... isn't that a riot? Perhaps you could make a video game out of it, like that Pong game that was so much fun that Christmas years ago."

Mom, like most people her age, will know Pong as their sole video game experience. It's tragic.

At lunch, Mom preempted all other conversation starts by discussing Michael. "Sometimes I think that Michael is ummm – autistic." She blushed. "Oh, of course, what I mean to say is – well – have you noticed?" "Michael's not like other people," I said. "He goes off into his own world – for days at a time sometime. A few months ago he locked himself into his office and we had to slide food under his door. And so he stopped eating any food that couldn't be slipped underneath a door."