Одри Карлан - January (Calendar Girl #1)

“Never was easy for me, either. Always something in the way,” I admitted. Wes looked off into the distance as I stared at his profile. As far as beautiful men go, Weston Channing was tops. He didn’t even have to try to look good. He was naturally good looking. Casual, professional, even when he’d just woken up and sleep crust was in his eyes, he was still heart-stoppingly gorgeous. But right now, sharing this private span of beach with me, sharing a bit of himself, that made him irresistible. “Have you ever been in love?”

His eyes shot to mine, a hint of a smile on his lips. He leaned back onto his elbows and shook his head. “No, I don’t think so. A couple times I thought maybe, but like I said, it was never easy. I think when you love someone it should be easy. Things should just fall into place, you know?”

I nodded. “The planets, moons, and stars align and everything just works right?”

He laughed. “Something like that. You?”

“Me what?”

“Have you been in love?” I thought long and hard about his question. So much so, that his hand came up to my shoulder and gripped tenderly. “You don’t have to tell me.”

“No, it’s not that. It’s just it would be easier to ask me if I haven’t fallen in love. In some way, I’ve fallen in love with every last man I’ve ever been with. Unfortunately, now, sitting here with you, I’m questioning whether I was actually in love, lust, or maybe just overwhelmed by them.”

“Why do you think that is?”

I laughed, brought my legs up into my chest and tucked my chin onto my knees. “Not sure. It feels different with you.”

“So you’ve been with me a month. Admitted that the sex has been the best of your entire life.” I rolled my eyes at him but he kept on. “Agreed that it’s different with me. Does that mean you love me?”

“Maybe,” I said honestly not really knowing how else to respond.

“Well, fuck me.”

“We’re going to do that later, remember. Anticipation?” I reminded him.

Wes laughed and then turned on his side and propped his head on his hand. “What if I said I was falling in love with you?”

“Wes,” I warned. He knew better than to go that route.

“No, let’s just talk this out for a minute.” He forced me to lean back and mimic his pose so we were lying on our sides looking into one another’s eyes. “If you maybe love me and I’m falling in love with you, shouldn’t we do something about it?”

I smiled. “We are. We’re going to stay friends. You’re going to go to work and direct your film. We’ll stay in contact, and when my debt is paid…” I looked deeply into his eyes and stopped.

“When your debt is paid then what?”

“I come back home to LA where you are,” I offered.

“But you’re still going to leave tomorrow.” The sadness in his green eyes stole my breath. It was long moments before I could respond.

“Yes. I’m leaving tomorrow.”

He nodded and looked down. “So, then when you come back…” This time his words trailed off.

“I don’t want you waiting for me, Wes. If you find something good with someone, you take advantage of it. Have fun. A man like you, who looks the way you do, is not going to have a hard time finding someone to warm your bed.”

“Is that what you’re going to do? Let your clients warm your bed?” His tone was hard, harsher than I expected, but I knew what we were talking about was dangerous territory. It had the power to ruin everything we’d come to have over the past month and could ever have in the future. It was time to tread lightly.

“I’m just saying that for this year, we’re going to go our separate ways. We’re going to do whatever we want.”

He let out a long, slow breath and sat up. “That means you’re not going to wait for me.” A quick burst of air left his nose, like he was holding back a huff.

I shook my head. “No. I’m going to do what feels right at the time, for me. And I want you to do the same. But I don’t want to lose you in my life.”

He licked his lips then grabbed my hand, bringing it up to his mouth for a kiss. “I don’t want to lose you either. It’s just, I’m trying to find a place where letting you go is okay. Because it doesn’t feel right.”

I gripped his hand tight then brought it to my lips for a return kiss. “It doesn’t for me either, but it’s what’s going to happen. Please respect that. Can you do that for me? And in the future, we’ll just see where we’re at. That has to be enough.”

“It’s nowhere near enough, Mia. If it’s all I’ve got, it will have to do for now.” He pulled me into his side and hugged me tight. I held on knowing that soon, I’d be letting go.

***

All my stuff was loaded into the SUV, and I watched as it pulled out of Wes’s driveway headed towards my apartment. The driver had the key to my tiny box and would put the clothing in and leave the key with the super.

Wes was expecting me to be here when he got home so we could have one last meal together. Unfortunately, I knew that doing so would break me. More than that, it would ruin me. After our time on the beach yesterday, we went back to his home and spent the entire afternoon into the evening making love. That’s what it was. It wasn’t fucking or having sex. We made love, over and over again until we were exhausted and passed out, snuggled together in his giant bed. Then he got a call that forced him to go into the studio this morning. He said he’d be home at six to take me out for our last dinner. Except I wouldn’t be there. It would be too hard to say goodbye like that after everything we’ve been through.

Instead, I decided to share my thoughts with him on paper, writing him a cliché, but heartfelt, Dear John letter. Basically, I was a coward.

Weston Charles Channing, III,

Writing your name out like that cracks me up. Have you ever said your name out loud? Do it. For me. It’s funny. You’ll laugh. I did.

In all seriousness, I want to thank you for this month. I was expecting to hate every second of this job and instead, it ended up being the most exciting thing I’ve ever done in my life. Meeting you has been a gift. You’re a gift, Wes. I know that sounds cheesy and I almost scratched it out, but you need to hear it from someone who cares. And I do care. A lot. More than I should.

Being with you, spending time together, has changed me, for the better I think. I now feel as though I can get through this year and learn something from it, aside from just saving my dad. I think I’m going to be saving myself. It’s time for me to live for me. If I stayed and let you take care of my problems, pay off my dad’s debt, I would regret it every day of my life. It would always hang over my head and our relationship. Leaving this way, I’m leaving on my terms. And I’m leaving us still good friends. The best of friends. Friends with benefits?

Am I sad leaving? Yes. I don’t want to leave, but you already knew that. I know what I’m doing sucks for the both of us, but I also know it’s the only way I can truly be free. What’s that saying? ‘If you love someone set it free and if it doesn’t come back it wasn’t meant to be?’

I hope to come back one day. If it’s meant to be, it will be, right? If it’s not, we will always have a friend we can count on. I truly hope you understand that and where these words are coming from. I wish you the best. Your movie is going to blow everyone away because you wrote it, and your words are beautiful.

This morning when you thought I was asleep and you kissed me goodbye you said softly, “Remember me.” Wes, I promise, I’ll never forget our time together but most importantly, I’ll never forget you.