Дэвид Митчелл - Utopia Avenue

Nigel Horner and Victor French winced.

Günther made a steeple of this hands. ‘“Darkroom” did well. Most bands would follow the proven formula. Correct?’

‘Very often,’ said Victor French, ‘in general, yes.’

‘Yet the only song on the LP that sounds like “Darkroom” –’ Günther leaned back ‘– is “Darkroom”. This album sounds as if three separate bands recorded it. Not one.’

‘Is that a good thing or a bad thing?’ asked Dean.

Günther removed a wooden box from his desk. He opened it. Dean noticed Victor French swap a look with Nigel Horner. Günther took a cheroot from the box and scalped it with a tiny guillotine. Dean crossed his legs. Günther announced: ‘ Paradise Is the Road to Paradise , will be in the shops and the album chart Top Forty by Christmas. Well done.’

A wash of relief passed through Dean’s body.

‘I have no doubt it’ll perform very well,’ said Levon.

Günther is scalping cheroots. ‘We’ll throw everything we have at Paradise and a new single. Radio, gigs, magazine interviews, everything. Let us now smoke a cheroot.’ He handed one to everyone. ‘It’s a little custom. It goes back to my U-boat days.’

‘Does it say “Cuban” on that box?’ asked Elf.

‘They fell off a boat,’ said Günther.

‘Ilex adored the album,’ Levon tells Amy Boxer. ‘Every time a song finished, Günther the managing director said, “ That ’s the masterpiece.” When the next song came on, he did the same. At the end, he said, “It’s a whole album of goddamn masterpieces.”’ Levon speaks so persuasively, Dean almost remembers it happening.

‘Isn’t Ilex a brave choice? They’ve got a strong classical catalogue but you’re their first pop signing, pretty much.’

‘EMI and Decca made overtures,’ replies Levon, ‘but we thought, No. The future belongs to swifter, hungrier labels.’

Amy’s pressed-together lips reply, If you say so. ‘Let me turn to you now Griff. What’s your story?’

The drummer lifts his cowboy hat and opens one eye. ‘Five pints at Ronnie Scott’s, a chaser or two, then things get hazy.’

‘I’ve already noted you’re the band joker. But seriously.’

Griff growls, swivels upright and slurps coffee. ‘The Drummer’s Tale. I was a sickly boy and I spent a lot of time in Hull Royal Infirmary. There was a children’s band, and I took to the drums. When I got out of hospital, I got roped into a brass band as the drummer-boy. Later, Wally Whitby took me under his wing.’

‘My dad likes Wally Whitby. “Yes Sir, That’s My Baby”.’

‘Wally took me around the northern circuit. Pontin’s holiday camp at Southport. Butlin’s in Skegness. I liked the life. The ladies liked me better with my drums. Wally’s an old pal of Alexis Korner, so when I came to London to seek my fortune, Alexis got me work in blues and jazz clubs. That led to Archie Kinnock’s Blues Juggernaut. Several misadventures later, Archie gave Jasper a try-out for his new band, the Blues Cadillac. That didn’t last …’

‘The 2i’s bar incident is becoming the stuff of legend,’ says Amy. ‘Do the ladies still like you with your drums?’

‘Ask Dean about the ladies, Miss Cheeky,’ Griff lies down again. ‘“The Goat of Gravesend”, they call him. Fookin’ shameless.’

‘They’ll be calling him “The Songsmith of Gravesend”,’ says Levon. ‘Thanks to “Abandon Hope”. Out today. Which Dean wrote.’

‘Mmm …’ Amy Boxer finishes transcribing Griff’s story before looking at Dean. She has a screw-you -ness that Jude lacks. Jude is nice, sweet and loyal, and if Dean had never left Gravesend and wanted a nice girl to settle down with, a Jude would’ve been perfect. But fame changes the rules. Melody Maker reporters understand that, but hairdressers from Brighton don’t. ‘So,’ says the reporter. ‘“Abandon Hope”. It’s a brave choice for a second single.’

‘Why would that be, Miss Boxer?’

A sharp little smile. ‘“Amy” is fine. I’m not my mother. It’s a straight R&B number. No psychedelic jiggery-pokery.’

‘Nothing straight about its hook. Once its hook’s in yer, there’s no swimming off. One in the verse, one in the chorus.’

‘And a song’s only as good as its hook, do you think?’

By way of answer, Dean da-dah s the hook of the Kinks’ ‘You Really Got Me’ until Griff names the track. Then Griff da-dah s a different song, adding air-drums. After a few seconds, Jasper says, ‘“Taxman”, off Revolver .’ Jasper thinks, then sings the tune of his chosen hook for three lines before Elf lays the ‘Hound Dog’ lyrics over the fourth. ‘Though the way you sang it,’ Elf adds, ‘it sounded more like the theme to Born Free. ’

‘Looks as if you play that game often,’ notes Amy.

‘Thanks to “Darkroom”,’ Elf replies, ‘we’re doing more longer journeys in the Beast. Our van. The Hook Game is a staple.’

‘Dean’s well known for his hooking talents,’ Griff tells Amy. ‘Specially in the men’s bogs in Soho Square.’

‘Griff is, of course, joking,’ says Levon.

Amy jots something down. ‘What I meant about “Abandon Hope” being brave was: don’t you think fans of “Darkroom” will hear “Abandon Hope” and feel flummoxed?’

‘On Sergeant Pepper’s , that Indian track of Harrison’s sits cheek-by-jowl with “When I’m Sixty Four”. Sitar to oboe, like …’ He snaps his fingers. ‘Does that flummox yer? Or do yer think, Bloody Nora, that’s clever ?’

Amy Boxer looks unconvinced. ‘Neither of those songs is a single. Did Ilex choose “Abandon Hope”, or was it a band decision?’

‘We chose it.’ Dean looks at the others. Jasper is off in Jasperland. Elf studies her nails. Griff is under his hat. Thanks a bloody bunch , thinks Dean.

A little silver dagger hangs in the hollow of Amy Boxer’s throat. ‘Did Ilex agree? Or did you have to twist their arm?’

‘Concerning the next single,’ declared Günther Marx at Ilex HQ, ‘I am in two minds.’ His office was infused with cheroot smoke. ‘Either “Mona Lisa Sings the Blues” or “The Prize”. Opinions?’

‘The band,’ said Levon, ‘nominate “Abandon Hope”.’

‘The first song on the first side,’ said Dean.

Günther wrinkled his nose. ‘It is too nihilist.’

Dean didn’t know the word. ‘It’s just nihilist enough.’

‘It’s a strong opener for an album,’ said Victor French, ‘but that doesn’t necessarily make it the best single.’

‘The question, Dean’– Nigel Horner wrinkled his whippet-face – ‘is why would today’s teenagers go nuts for a song about getting mugged and evicted and none of it mattering because the Russians’ll nuke us anyway?’

‘They do go nuts for it,’ said Dean. ‘At our gigs.’

‘“Mona Lisa” will put Elf in the spotlight,’ said Victor French. ‘I see girls buying it in big numbers. They’ll identify with a woman battling the odds in a hostile world.’

‘I agree with Victor,’ smarmed Nigel Horner, ‘about “Abandon Hope” and I’d vote for “The Prize” as the next single. Any kid dreaming of stardom’ll dig it – and if there’s one type of song DJs love to play, it’s the type that praises DJs.’

Dean looked at Levon. Levon looked like a man working out if he wanted a shit or not. Dean wanted to shout, “ We agreed this! The bloody dice! ” ‘No. We’ve chosen “Abandon Hope”. It’s gritty, it’s got the end-o’-the-world stuff in the air right now. And if we do another Jasper song, people’ll think we’re a poor man’s Pink Floyd.’