Дэвид Митчелл - Utopia Avenue

Elf slips off her shoes. ‘Mr Kirk, I trust.’

‘Be warned, if you’re in company,’ Angus has a full-tilt Highlands accent, ‘I’m in the nip.’

‘At ease, soldier, I’m alone.’ She hangs her handbag and hat on the coatstand and goes through to the steamy bathroom.

Angus is in the bath, reading Oz . His groin is hidden by a raft of bubblebath foam. ‘Your modesty-preserver is the same shape as Antarctica.’ Elf takes the chair. ‘You’re boiled pink.’

‘How was lunch?’

‘I’m going to be an aunt. Imogen’s three months gone.’

‘Brilliant news. Right?’

‘Definitely.’

‘You can show the wee sprog how to roll joints. Then when Imogen finds out, it’ll be “ But, Mam, Aunty Elf said I could! ”’

Elf flexes her toes. They’re tired from her heels. ‘What’s showing at the Palace tonight?’

‘ In the Heat of the Night on screen one. I’m doing Bonnie and Clyde on screen two. I could smuggle you in, if you fancy it.’

‘It’s Basingstoke tonight.’

‘Just tell ’em you’d rather be with your Highland hunk.’

‘It won’t wash, alas. Six hundred tickets sold so far.’

Angus makes an impressed noise. ‘When are you leaving?’

‘Five. The Beast’s at Jasper’s. Are you starting at six?’

‘Aye, but I need to go by my bedsit, drop off my crusty cacks and pick up some fresh ones so I should leave here by four.’

Elf looks at her watch. ‘It’s almost two thirty now, so … we have ninety minutes to ourselves, Mr Kirk.’

‘We could play three games of Scrabble.’

‘We could boil twenty eggs, one after the other.’

‘Or listen to Sergeant Pepper’s. Twice.’

Elf perches on the bathtub, tilts Angus’s head back, and kisses him. She thinks of the she-wolf in the window of Primo’s. She opens her eyes to see if Angus is watching her. Bruce always does. Did . Angus never has. It makes her feel in charge.

‘Deep beneath the frozen wastes of Antarctica,’ intones Angus, ‘an ancient menace awakes …’

Angus dozes off. Elf wonders what it’s like to be the guy. Her pillow squishes Angus’s face out of shape. Every lover is a lesson and Angus’s lesson is that kindness is sexy. The Beach Boys are singing ‘Don’t Talk (Put Your Head On My Shoulder)’ on Radio Bluebeard. It’s a much weirder song than it admits to being, Elf thinks. The wild swans in the mobile over her bed rotate on their endless flight through time. Bea made it for her as a house-warming present. Angus makes a growling noise in his sleep. The gawky, deep-eye-socketed Scot has grown on her. They met in May, he slept over a few nights in June, and now he’s here more nights than not. She introduced him to the band last week. Dean liked him and Jasper liked him, as much as Jasper likes anyone. Griff was a bit off with him. Elf likes the novelty of not going out with a musician. Angus thinks music is magic, which makes Elf a magician. She doesn’t love Angus with that punch-drunk love she loved Bruce with, but liking him is enough. Angus is also proof that she likes men, and that the voice on the number 97 bus was a malicious lie, not a suppressed truth.

Right?

Obviously.

Elf lights a cigarette and shoots out smoke at the swans. Thank God for the Pill, and for the female GPs who’ll prescribe it. The Beach Boys finish their harmonies, and the next song is so familiar it takes Elf a few free-falling seconds to identify it and a few more seconds to believe it …

‘Darkroom’ – her chords, her Farfisa – is coming from her Hacker radio. In comes Dean’s bass; in comes Griff’s snare drum; and here’s Jasper’s Lennon-esque phrasing: ‘ You took me to your darkroom and you slipped inside my mind … ’

Elf’s heart wallops. IT’S US!

‘… where negatives turn positive, where IOUs are signed … ’ Pirate radio audience sizes are anybody’s guess, but surely tens of thousands are hearing Utopia Avenue right now. Fifty thousand? A hundred thousand? What if they hate it? What if they see I’m bluffing it? What if they love it? What if they rush out and buy it? She wants to hide. She wants to savour this once-in-a-lifetime first. She wants to tell everyone she knows. ‘Angus!’

‘ Wassityeahwha’ ?’

‘Listen! The radio!’

Angus listens. ‘That’s you.’

Elf can only nod. They listen to the whole song. Bat Segundo only speaks after Elf’s closing refrain. ‘That slice of pop perfection was “Darkroom”, a brand-new song by Utopia Avenue. They’re English, they’re happening, and they’re this week’s Tip-for-the-Top brought to you in proud association with Rocket Cola, the with-it pop drink for the with-it crowd – and if that didn’t give you goosebumps, please see your doctor because you may well be dead. Before Utopia Avenue was the Beach Boys, “Don’t Talk (Put Your Head on My Shoulder)”, and coming up before we go to the news, we—’

Angus turns off the radio. ‘You’ll be on Top of the Pops .’

‘Only if they send a limo to pick me up,’ says Elf. Angus isn’t smiling, so Elf adds, ‘I’m joking’.

‘I’m not,’ replies Angus. ‘This is the start.’

Don’t even dream it , Elf warns herself.

Dean picks up: ‘We were just on Bat Segundo.’

‘I know. I know! Did Jasper hear it too?’

‘Dunno. He’s out. Griff’s not here yet. Should I name my first child “Bat” or “Segundo”?’

‘Dean Bat Bluebeard Segundo Moss.’

‘This is lift-off, Elf. I bloody feel it.’

‘So do I. So do I.’

Dean laughs. ‘I … God … The radio! Us . The Beachboys!’

‘I’ll call Moonwhale. See you later.’

‘See yer.’

Bethany picks up: ‘Good afternoon – Moonwhale Management?’

‘Bethany – “Darkroom” was on Bat Segundo.’

Bethany’s tone turns to giddy delight. ‘Did you catch it?’

Elf laughs. ‘I caught it.’

‘I’ll put you through to Levon.’

Levon is pleased in his urbane Canadian way. ‘Congratulations. It’s the start of the start. You’re off the blocks.’

‘Did you know?’

‘For once, no. Funnily enough, though, Victor French called earlier to say John Peel’s playing “Darkroom” on The Perfumed Garden tomorrow, but Bat beat him to the draw. It’s only two plays, but one’s enough to trigger a chain reaction. The Home Office—’

Angus is waving from Elf’s front door. Elf blows him a kiss. Angus pretends to be shot through the heart and staggers off.

‘—is closing down the pirate radio ships any day now, so no more Radio Bluebeard or Radio London. But I’m reliably informed John Peel and Bat Segundo are in talks with the BBC to work on Radio One. They’re pals, and a nice lunch with both of them would be a smart investment, if you’re free next week.’

‘You bet.’

‘I’ll set something up. And … sorry, Elf, Bethany’s saying Ilex is on the other line.’

‘Go.’

‘I’ll see you at De Zoet Towers later.’

Elf goes to the kitchen window to watch Angus exiting her building into Livonia Street below. He disappears into Berwick Street without a backward glance. She goes to the bathroom and asks her reflection if she just dreamed that Utopia Avenue was on the radio.

‘It happened,’ her reflection tells her.

‘Will you still be my face if I’m famous?’

‘Kiss me,’ replies her reflection.

So Elf does, on the lips.

Jasper’s right … mirrors really are strange.

Her reflection laughs, and Elf goes to straighten up her bed, but Angus has already done it. She goes back to the kitchen and pours herself a glass of milk, just as the key turns in the door. She wonders what Angus forgot. His coat?