Дэвид Митчелл - Utopia Avenue

‘Who’d bother? I’m not John bloody Profumo. Tiffany’s no spy.’

‘Yer’ve both a public reputation and money to pay to protect it.’

‘I’m not rich compared to’ – drug dealers and pimps – ‘stockbrokers or estate agents.’

‘The News o’ the Screws ’d pay upwards o’ three grand for pics o’ you ’n’ Mrs Hershey. Stings like this’re commoner’n yer’d think.’

Dean imagines the scandal, and Anthony Hershey’s reaction. The film deal would be off. Tiffany’s career would be over. She’ll be ‘the adulterous mother of two’ for the rest of her days.

‘Yer’ve gone all quiet on me,’ says Rod.

‘It’s a bloody nightmare, is why.’

‘Cheer up, yer got a few options. Well, three.’

‘Revolver, noose or sleeping pills?’

‘Stick, carrot or “scarrot”. The stick is, yer tell the bright spark who took the photos that if the pics surface yer’ll have him put in a wheelchair. People get persuadable when it comes to kneecaps.’

‘I can’t blame them. So do I.’

‘Trouble is, what if they call yer bluff? Yer’ve either got to back off or carry out the threat. Conspiracy to commit GBH’ll earn yer two-to-four years.’

‘If that’s the stick, what’s the carrot?’

‘Cough up the bread for the negs.’

‘What stops the bastards coming back for more?’

‘’Xactly. That’s the problem with carrots. My friendly advice is, respond with a “scarrot”. Stick and carrot. Yer say, “Congrats, yer got me fair ’n’ square. I like a quiet life, so here’s a contract. Sign it, and a thousand quid’ll appear in yer account three days from now. Send the negs and another grand’ll appear three days later. But if yer ever darken my door again, it’s war. If one o’ them pictures appears, anywhere, by fuck you will regret it. Deal? Good. Sign on the dotted line and no funny business.” Or language o’ that ilk. Then yer can also get ’em for blackmail, if they Judas yer.’

The beads clack as if somebody has just passed through. ‘I don’t think I could say all o’ that,’ says Dean. ‘Not convincingly.’

‘It ain’t yer speciality. But give me the nod and I’ll administer the scarrot. Since I’ve already had dealings.’

Dean thinks of the money. ‘Two bloody grand.’

‘When nobbing married actresses, change yer hotel. Yer can afford it, mate. What yer can’t afford is for this to get out. Yer lady friend, she’d be well ’n’ truly pokered. The divorce. The disgrace.’

He’s right. ‘Do it, Rod. Please. The scarrot.’

A car pulls up in the driveway outside. Levon ’n’ Griff.

‘Leave it with me,’ says Rod. ‘But, Dean, first – give me yer word yer won’t breathe a thing to yer manager or yer lady friend. If it all goes tits up, the fewer the people yer’ve told, the better. Yeah?’

‘Agreed. I promise. And thanks.’

‘It’s Gravesend boys versus the world. We’ll get through this. I’ll call again soon to let yer know how it went.’ Click.

Purrr … … … … … … Dean hangs up.

‘The LA Times loves you,’ Levon enters the house, carrying a box of groceries. ‘You’re the hottest ticket in town.’

‘Look at this.’ Griff holds up a real pineapple. ‘Just like off the front of a can. Cost less than a can. What a fookin’ country!’

‘Good news,’ says Dean. ‘Rod Dempsey just called from London. Me ’n’ Jasper can move into that flat in Covent Garden.’

Levon can’t quite hide how pleased he is. ‘It was a pleasure to have you and Jasper camping in my flat for a week, but …’

‘Yer can have too much of a good thing, right?’

In a zap of Californian daylight, Anthony Hershey enters the wood-lined control room at Gold Star Studios. Dean’s glad of the low lighting. He feels as if the word ‘GUILT’ is written across his face. He presses the talkback switch and tells Elf, Jasper and Griff, ‘Tony’s arrived, guys.’

The Californian Anthony Hershey is brasher than his London version, and sports a new goatee and a Hawaiian-print shirt. Dean looks for signs of cuckolded venom, but finds none. ‘Tiff says hi, Dean,’ Hershey tells him. ‘We spoke last night.’

‘Bless her. Say hi back. How is she?’

‘Oh, you know Tiff. Busy busy busy. Handling the boys, running the house, staying on top of the paperwork …’

He doesn’t know. ‘Brilliant lady is your missus. She had that Triumph salesman eating out of her hand.’

‘I’m a lucky man. I know it.’

Elf, Griff and Jasper file in from the studio. ‘Howdy, all,’ says Hershey. ‘Congratulations on the LA Times piece this morning. Sounds like a heck of show. I’ll be there tonight if I can.’

‘I’ll put your name on the comp list,’ says Levon. ‘Doug Weston says after last night the tickets are hot enough to give third degree burns. The band were damn tight at the Ghepardo, but folks will be talking about Utopia Avenue’s run at the Troubadour in 1968 for the rest of the century. Mark my words.’

‘It’s true,’ says Jasper, innocently. ‘We are playing well.’

Anthony Hershey flips aside the awkward moment. ‘You’re working like Trojans, that’s for sure. I saw your itinerary. San Francisco after here. Press conference later today. What’s the TV slot? Smothers Brothers ?’

‘ Randy Thorn Goes Pop! ’ Levon checks his watch. ‘Forgive me for turning all managerial, Tony, but time’s a little tight.’

‘To business, then. Band. Levon’s told me that between conquering the United States, you’ve found time to think about our Narrow Road project.’

‘Dean’s taken the lead on this one,’ says Elf.

‘Then speak to me, Dean.’

‘I’m not the world’s biggest reader, but that screenplay yer sent, I picked it up, and uh … yeah. It really got under my skin.’

‘Good,’ says Hershey. ‘I’m very proud of it.’

So was Tiffany , thinks Dean . ‘Strikes me, the whole film’s ’bout freedom. Pilgrim’s this star, but he’s still a slave. It’s “ Keep making records ”, “ Keep feeding the machine ”, “ Keep touring .” That bit where his manager says, “ You want to know what freedom is? It’s over there! ” and points to the tramp in the doorway. Pilgrim’s only jolted out o’ the Great Showbiz Machine when he’s told he’s got just three months to live. So off he goes ’n’ finds the Commune o’ the Free, but once he’s inside, it’s a psychedelic concentration camp. Being square’s a hanging offence. Literally. The Guru’s just another king, or a god, or Chairman Mao. And when Pilgrim’s forced to sing his old hits, he’s just as much a slave as he ever was, right?’

‘We’re in talks with Rock Hudson to play the Guru,’ says the director. ‘But carry on. Freedom.’

‘Freedom runs through this story like letters through seaside rock,’ says Dean. ‘What freedom isn’t: not a jingle, not a slogan, not an anthem, not a lifestyle, not a drug, not a status symbol. Not even power. But when Pilgrim ’n’ Piper’re on the road, the story looks at what freedom is . It’s inner. It’s limited. It’s fragile. It’s a journey. It’s easily robbed. It’s not selfish. It’s not commandable. Only the not-free can see it. Freedom’s a struggle. It’s in the struggle. Like Paradise Is the Road to Paradise , maybe freedom’s the road to freedom.’ Dean feels self-conscious and lights a cigarette. Elf and Levon are watching him in a new way. Griff ought to crack a joke, but he doesn’t. Anthony Hershey’s looking serious. ‘So, yeah, in my four-four rhythm sort o’ way, I’m doing a song that captures all o’ this. Or trying to. Elf’s got a cracking piano figure we’re weaving in, and Mr Stratocaster there is working his usual magic. And that’s where we’re up to. Sorry if I’ve read yer script wrong, Tony.’