Даниэла Стил - All That Glitters

She didn’t miss their social life at all. She had stayed off that circuit since his first catastrophic indiscretion in September, and she had no desire to see any of his friends again. She was out of his life for good, and wanted to stay that way. Her only close friend in London was Leslie, and Sam in New York. She had lost touch with her school friends in New York when her parents died, and the last of them when she moved to London. The people she knew at Columbia had all graduated after she dropped out, and were scattered everywhere by now. She had meant to stay in touch with some of them, but hadn’t. Her life had changed too much after her parents’ deaths, when she’d moved to London for Time, and married Nigel. The currents of life had swept her along in one direction, and them in others.

—

It took her a week after she walked in on Nigel for the second time to call Sam. At first she was too upset and embarrassed by what had happened, again. She felt stupid for having given him a second chance, and it was all so sordid. Other people learned about cheating partners from others, or suspected an affair from lipstick on their husband’s collar. Instead she had had the privilege of walking in on him having sex with cheap women, twice, and the humiliation it had caused. She hated to tell Sam about it, but they hadn’t spoken since he got engaged, and she didn’t want him to think she disapproved of his engagement, although she did. She felt sorry for him and thought he was making a mistake, but she wanted to be supportive. He had sent her several texts asking if she was okay. She had responded that she was, which wasn’t entirely true. She had started getting morning sickness after her email exchange with Nigel about relinquishing his parental rights. She wasn’t sure if it was physical, or her upset over filing for the divorce. But either way, she threw up at least once every morning, and several times at night. It made eating anything a chore, and from both circumstances, she was losing weight, and had lost ten pounds. Already thin to begin with, she was looking gaunt, and Leslie was concerned about her. She hated what she was going through, and knew nothing about the pregnancy. If she kept it, Coco didn’t intend to tell anyone for a long time, until it showed. She needed time to adjust to it herself, and didn’t want advice or opinions, except her own.

She had gone to her doctor, who confirmed the pregnancy with a blood test. They had discussed the possibility of an abortion. The baby was due in August, her doctor told her, and Coco had to decide what she was going to do. They did a routine ultrasound, saw that the fetus’s heart was beating nicely, and seeing the baby on the screen made the decision harder than she’d thought. She felt too young for the responsibilities of motherhood at twenty-four, but that would have been true if her marriage was still intact, and she would have had it then. Nigel giving up his parental rights would make it both easier and more difficult. And like everything else in her life for the past two and a half years, she would have to face it alone. Sam had his own problems now, she didn’t expect him to be constantly present to help shoulder hers.

When she called him, he sounded busy, but relieved to hear from her.

“You’re not pissed at me?” he asked her, sounding anxious. “I know you didn’t think I should get engaged to Tamar.”

“I just don’t want to see you settle. How are you feeling about it now?”

“About the same. I think I owed it to her after all this time. It was the right thing to do.” For everyone but him, Coco knew.

“A year and a half isn’t an eternity, Sam. You didn’t keep her chained up in the garage. She didn’t have to keep dating you. It must have been working for her.”

“She kept thinking I was going to propose, and I took my time.” He felt guilty about that too. It was why his parents had insisted that he was duty-bound to marry her, which sounded to Coco like a poor reason to get married. Duty over love. Sam had bought into it, not wanting to disappoint them as his sisters had. But these were modern times. It wouldn’t have ruined her if he didn’t marry her, and she wasn’t pregnant. But he was always willing to take the weight of the world on his shoulders, and do the right thing, even if he sacrificed himself. “Tamar is all excited planning the wedding now. It’s nice to see her happy.” Coco would have preferred to see him happy, and thrilled about who he was marrying, instead of resigned. Doing the right thing was more important to him than marrying the right girl, which seemed crazy to her. But a lot of what she’d done had been crazy too, like marrying Nigel too fast. “We’re getting married at the end of June. I expect you to be there,” he said seriously, and she did a rapid calculation and knew she couldn’t. She’d be six weeks away from giving birth by then, if she kept the pregnancy, and wouldn’t be allowed to fly.

“I might not be able to make it then,” she said hesitantly, dreading telling him, in the circumstances she was in. She knew he wouldn’t approve.

“You can’t possibly know that now. Do you have some other wedding to go to?” It was the only reason he could think of. Coco being pregnant hadn’t crossed his mind.

“No, not really.” And then she took a breath and leapt in. “I’m pregnant. I don’t know what I’m going to do about it, but I am.”

“Isn’t that good news?” It didn’t sound like it to him. “Nigel must be thrilled. Now he can start filling all those bedrooms with babies. It was all he could talk about when I saw the house.” And then he thought of something else. “Is there something wrong with the pregnancy?”

“No, with the father. I walked in on him again, having one of his charming little escapades, with a blonde I didn’t know this time. Porno live. On his desk, at least not in my bed again.” She tried to keep it light, but they both knew it was anything but.

“Oh God, Coco. How did that play out?”

“Pretty badly. I threw him out, and I’m filing for divorce, for real this time. No hall passes for cheaters. I’m done, and he knows it.”

“Does he know about the pregnancy?”

“Ironically, I went home to tell him, which is how I walked in on them. And, interesting, he’s trying to sell me his parental rights in exchange for the house in Sussex, and I’m willing to make the deal. In fact, I want to, to get him out of my life. He wanted the city house, but I wouldn’t give it to him, so I can sell it myself, and get some money back. But he’ll settle for the house in Sussex, which was originally his idea, not mine. And he wants another thirty-seven million in ‘damages’ and support.”

“Damages for what? Is he insane?”

“No, I think he’s pretty lucid. My lawyer says he won’t get it, but he might get something, in addition to Sussex. So that’s why I haven’t called you. I’ve been trying to sort this mess out. It had just happened two days before you got engaged.”

“I thought something might be wrong at first, but I told myself I was paranoid, and decided you were pissed.”

“Of course I’m not. And I’m sorry I can’t come to the wedding if I have the baby.” She was genuinely sad about it, and not being there for him, if he was really going to do it. She wanted to be there to support him.

“What do you think you’ll do about the pregnancy?”

“I’m not sure. I have to figure it out soon. I don’t feel right doing anything about it. But I’m not so sure I can do a good job of being a parent alone, or if I want to take that on,” she said honestly.

“You can do anything you want,” he reminded her. “You’re the strongest human being I know, man or woman. I wish I had your balls.”