Patrick McCabe: The Butcher Boy

He laughed. Then he laughed again. But it was all wrong. It was like the moment before a cracked glass shatters. When da didn't answer, he just kept on asking all sorts of questions.

He told more stories then more singing. He was singing at the top of his voice. It was the silence around da that made me ice all over. Then ma wept. He paid no heed to that either, just sat there behind a glass wall of silence. Alo had his back to the fireplace like he had when he came in first. He kept waiting for da to speak. He wanted him to speak more than anything in the world. But da would only speak when he was ready. Then I saw him look at Alo. I knew the look. He wouldn't take his eyes off him now until he had finished with him. I saw him do it to ma. They could pierce you them eyes good as any blade. Then he said it. Who do you think you're fooling Alo? Are you going to go on making a laughing stock of yourself or are you going to catch yourself on? Do you think any of them believe that shite-talk you've been going on with all night?

For the love of God Benny leave the man alone, cried ma.

Coming home here crowing about Camden Town, do you want to have us the laughing stock of the place?

Look at him with his wee red handkerchief. Did the wife iron it for you?

Not again ma cried not again please Benny!

I warned him! I told him I wanted to hear no more of it! But no, we had to have it, then on top of that carrying on with her like a schoolboy halfwit. The whole town knows that too, made a cod of himself with her. Never even had the guts to ask her out straight till it was too late. Oh Camden Town's a great place Alo, we all know that. Camden Town's the place he met the only woman he ever laid a finger on. Took her to the altar because he was afraid to ask anyone else. Twenty years his senior for the love of God. Half-blind and hates him from the day she married him!

I knew ma wanted to hold it in she didn't want any of that to start now I knew what she was afraid of she was afraid of the garage. But she didn't want to let Alo down, she would never let anyone down. She had to say it. Dear God I'm sorry Alo, she said.

But da wasn't finished yet. I knew he wasn't near finished but I just lay there and didn't say anything that's all I did I just lay there with my eyes closed pretending I was asleep.

Ten men under him, said da, that's right. Closing a gate in a Backstreet factory that's what he's been at from the day he landed there, tipping his cap to his betters in his wee blue porter's suit. Oh Alo went far, make no mistake!

Ma touched Alo on the forearm he looked like a child who had soiled his trousers.

There was sweat on da's upper lip it shone like needles. He said: He was always the same, from the minute we were dumped in that Belfast kip. The same softie halfwit, sucking up to the nuns and moping about the corridors. You know what he used to tell them? Our da's coming to take us home tomorrow! Night noon and morning I had to listen to it! You'd be waiting a long time if you were to wait for Andy Brady to come and take you home! I told him to shut up! What did we care I said we'd manage on our own we needed nobody. I told him it was all over. But he wouldn't listen! Couldn't be shut up, him and his mouthing! And the rest of them taking a hand out of him every chance they got!

Ma cried out. I never seen her face da before. Don't blame it on your brother because you were put in a home! Christ Jesus Benny are you never going to come to terms with it! After all this time, is it never going to end?

The side of Alo's face jerked and for a second it seemed as if he was on the verge of saying something really daft like: Do you think it will rain? Or Where did you get that tablecloth?

He didn't though. What he said was: Its getting late. Maybe I'm as well get to my bed.

Then he said: I'll hardly see you before I go.

He asked ma did the bus still go from the corner. She said it did.

Da had a whiskey glass in his hand. It was trembling a little. I thought maybe he wanted to fling it from him, throw his arms around Alo and cry at the top of his voice: How about that Alo? Fairly fooled you there! That took you in hook line and sinker! Me and Alo – the years we spent in Belfast! The home? A wonderful place! The best years of our lives! Me and Alo – we loved every minute of it in there! Isn't that right old friend?

When all this came into my head I wanted to leap up and yahoo. I wanted to cry out let's have another party I'll go and get Mary and the whole thing can go right this time what do you say to that Alo is that a good idea?

But that was only me raving and didn't happen and the next thing I heard was the sound of the front door closing, you could hardly hear it at all. Ma was in a bad way now. It destroyed you that place, can't you see that?, she said. You can't even talk about it, can you? Not even after all this time! Its no shame Benny that you were put in there! And even if it was, no shame should make you turn on your own brother like a dog!

He didn't like that and he turned on her then. He said at least he never had to be took off to a madhouse to disgrace the whole family. I knew then ma was never in any garage but I knew all along anyway, I knew it was a madhouse I just didn't want Nugent or anyone to hear so I said it was a garage. But then I knew too that Nugent knew all about it Mrs Connolly and the women would have told her. So I don't know what I bothered saying anything about a garage for at all. I could hear Nugent saying: Imagine him thinking he could pull the wool over my eyes!

When da said that she ran out of the room and I didn't know what to do. Da was laughing to himself he said what did he care? He clutched the whiskey glass like a weapon and poured himself another. He stood in the middle of the kitchen.

I've always gone my own way, he shouted. Everything I ever did, my way – father or no father! No thanks to Andy Brady or anyone else! Do you hear me?

He just stood there waiting for another argument to start. That was what he wanted but there was no one there to start it with. Then when it didn't happen he didn't know what to do. He just stood there holding the glass swaying, like a drugged giant in the middle of the room. You hear me? he roared again and some of the whiskey spilt down his trouser leg. He watched it dribble until it reached the floor parting into twin rivers on the lino. It went right across as far as the bottom of the door. He kept looking at it as if there was some hidden meaning in the pattern it was making. Then he started crying, his whole body shuddering with each sob.

I waited until he was asleep in the armchair and then I opened the front door and went out into the morning.

I was afraid because I hadn't planned it and I had never run away from home before. I should have brought a bag or something. But I didn't. As soon as I got out the front door I just started walking. I wanted to walk and walk until the soles of my boots were worn out and I could walk no more. I was like the boy on the back of a colouring book I had. His cheeks were fat red plums and he blew a puffjet of steam from his mouth as he walked up one side of the globe and back down the other. I had a name for him. I called him The Boy Who Could Walk For Ever and that was what I wanted to do now – become him once and for all.

I left the town far behind me and came out onto the open road. The white clouds floated across the clear blue glass of the sky. I kept thinking of da and Alo standing outside the gates of the home all those years ago. How many windows do you think are there says da. Seventy-five says Alo. I'd say at least a hundred says da. The priest brought them inside through long polished corridors. The assembly hall was crowded. They were all cheering for the two new boys. The priest cleared his throat and said quiet please. I would like you to meet our two new boys he said. Bernard and Alo. Bernard and Alo who? said all the other boys. The priest smiled and rubbed his soft hands together. I was waiting for him to say Brady and finish it. But he didn't say Brady. He said: Pig.