Don Delillo - The Names

The wind was still blowing.I sat inside with Kathryn while the boy took his bath. She kept the room dark, drinking a beer, still in her tank top, the bandanna loose around her neck now."So. How's the job coming? Where have you been spending time?”"Turkey," I said. "Pakistan now and then.”"I'd like to meet Rowser sometime. No, I wouldn't.”"You'd hate him but in a healthy way. He'd add years to your life. He has a new thing. It's a briefcase. Looks and feels like a briefcase. Except it has a recording device, a device that detects other recording devices, a burglar alarm, a Mace-spraying device and a hidden tracing transmitter, whatever that is.”"Do you hate him in a healthy way?”"I don't hate him at all. Why should I hate him? He gave me the job. The job pays well. And I get to see my family. How would I get to see my little expatriate family if it weren't for Rowser and his job and his risk assessments?”"Is he adding years to your life?”"I enjoy it. It's an interesting part of the world. I feel I'm involved in events. Sure, sometimes I see it from a different perspective. Yours, of course. It's just insurance. It's the world's biggest, richest companies protecting their investments.”"Is that my perspective?”"Don't I know what you hate by this time?”"There ought to be something higher than the corporation. That's all.”"There's the orgasm.”"You've had a long tiring trip." She drank from the bottle. "I think I distrust the idea of investing, somehow, more than corporations themselves. I keep saying 'somehow.' Tap catches me at it. There's something secret and guilty about investing. Is that a foolish thing to believe? It's the wrong use of the future.”"That's why they use small print to list stock prices.”"Secret and guilty. How's your Greek?”"Terrible. I leave the country for three days and forget everything. I know the numbers.”"Numbers are good," she said. "They're the best place to start.”"At dinner the other night I asked for chicken shit instead of grilled chicken. I got the accent wrong so the waiter didn't know what I was saying anyway.”"How did you know you said chicken shit?”"The Maitlands were there. Charles pounced. Are we having dinner?”"We'll go to the quay. Did you get a room?”"There's always a room for me. They fire the cannon when they see my boat rounding the point.”She passed the bottle across to me. She looked tired from her work at the excavation, physically beat, her hands full of marks and cuts, but she was also charged by it, bright with it, giving off static. There must be a type of weariness that seems a blessing of the earth. In Kathryn's case it was literally the earth she was combing so scrupulously for fire marks and artifacts. I saw nothing in it myself.Her hair was trimmed to the nape and she was brown and a little leathery, wind-seared around the eyes. A lean woman, small-hipped, agile and light in her movements. There was a practicality about her body. She was built to a purpose, one of those padders through rooms, barefoot, in swishing corduroys. She liked to sprawl over furniture, arms dangling, legs stretched across a coffee table. She had a slightly elongated face, sinewy legs, quick deft hands. Old photographs of Kathryn with her father and her sisters showed a directness that caught the camera, engaged it fully. You felt this was a girl who took the world seriously. She expected it to be honest and was determined to be equal to its difficulties and testing times. She gave an unbalancing force and candor to the pictures, especially since her father and sisters customarily wore expressions that were studies in Canadian reserve, except when the old man was soused.Greece, I believed, would be her shaping environment, a place where she might carry on the singleminded struggle she'd always thought life was supposed to be. I mean the word "struggle" as an undertaking, a strenuous personal engagement."I'd like to take Tap to the Peloponnese with me," I said. "He'll love the place. It's haunted. All those fortified heights, the mist, the wind.”"He's been to Mycenae.”"He hasn't been to Mistra, has he? Or down to the Mani. Or to Nestor's palace. Honest-hearted Nestor.”"No.”"He hasn't been to sandy Pylos, has he?”"Relax, James, would you.”"Come September, what happens? I think we ought to know where he's going to school. We ought to be making arrangements right now. When do you stop digging? Where do you plan to spend the winter?”"I don't have plans. We'll see.”"What have you found here anyway?”"Some walls. A cistern.”"Were the Minoans as bright and gay as we're led to believe? What have you found besides walls?”"It was a small settlement. Some of it's under water. The sea's risen since then.”"The sea's risen. No frescoes?”"Not a one.”"What pickups? Coins, daggers?”"Storage jars.”"Intact?”"Fragments.”"Big jars? Big as the ones at Knossos?”"Not nearly," she said."No frescoes, no silver-inlaid daggers, tiny broken pots. Are the pots unpainted?”"Painted.”"Dumb luck," I said.She grabbed the bottle and drank, partly to conceal traces of amusement. Tap came in, a little shiny after his bath."We have a brand new kid," she said. "I'd better hurry and take my bath so we can feed him.”"If we don't feed him, he'll blow away in this wind.”"That's right. He needs ballast. Do you think he knows what ballast is?”"He's writing a prairie epic, not a sea epic, but I think he knows anyway. Five drachmas says he knows.”He turned on a light. I'd arrived expecting him to be changed in appearance. He'd always seemed vaguely delicate to me, small-boned. I thought the open life would transform him physically. There might be something of the wild boy about him. The sun and wind would crack his skin a little, mark up the tidy surface. This unpremeditated life of theirs would break him out of his containment, I thought. But he looked about the same. A little darker, that was all.The essential Thomas Axton now stood before me. Arms crossed on his chest, left foot forward, he spoke in his uninflected manner about ballast in ships. He seemed to be speaking through a hollow stalk. It was the perfect voice for Ob.When Kathryn was ready we walked down to the harborfront. This wasn't an island abandoned to tourism. It was hard to get to, had one shabby hotel and a few rocky beaches, the best of them inaccessible except by boat. Even in midsummer there were only a couple of orange backpacks propped against the fountain, no wandering shoppers or places to shop. We would eat in one of the two identical restaurants. The waiter would spread the paper covering and drop utensils and bread onto the table. He would bring out grilled meat or fish and a country salad and some wine and a soft drink. Cats would appear under the chairs. The wind would shake the canopy and we would tuck the paper covering under the elastic band beneath the table top. A plastic ashtray, toothpicks in a glass.She preferred satisfactions that were basic. This was Greece to her, the burning wind, and she was loyal to the place and the idea. At the site she worked with trowels, root clippers, dental picks, tweezers, whatever else they used to move dirt and extract objects. Inches a day. Days the same. Stooped in her five-foot trench. At night she wrote reports, made charts, mapped out the soil changes and heated water for her bath and Tap's.She'd started out washing clothes for the dig director and fieldworkers. She also prepared lunch from time to time and helped clean the house where most of the staff lived. After budget cuts and defections, the director, Owen Brademas, gave her a trench. That's the kind of operation it was. The director wore bathing trunks and played the recorder.This was her first dig. She had no experience and no degree and was paid nothing. After we split up she'd read the details of this excavation in something called a fieldwork opportunities bulletin. Volunteers accepted. Travel and lodging paid by individual. Field gear provided.It was interesting to see, back then, how progressively certain she became that this was the future. Other jobs she'd had, good ones, jobs she liked, never took hold so powerfully, the way this mere prospect took hold. The event gathered force. I began to understand it wasn't just a reaction to our separating and I didn't know how to take this. It's almost comic, the number of ways in which people can find themselves diminished.Against my lassitude she operated at peak levels. Sold things, gave things away, stored things in people's garages. It had struck her with the pure light of a major saint's vision. She would sift dirt on an island in the Aegean.She started learning Greek. She ordered tapes, bought dictionaries, found a teacher. She went through a couple of dozen books on archaeology. Her study and planning were carried on in a fusion of anticipation and controlled rage. The latter had its source in my own living person. Every day made her more certain of my various failings. I compiled a mental list, which I often recited aloud to her, asking how accurate it was in reflecting her grievances. This was my chief weapon of the period. She hated the feeling that someone knew her mind.1. Self-satisfied.2.Uncommitted.3.Willing to settle.4.Willing to sit and stare, conserving yourself for some end-of-life event, like God's face or the squaring of the circle.$. You like to advertise yourself as refreshingly sane and healthy in a world of driven neurotics. You make a major production of being undriven.6.You pretend. 7. You pretend not to understand other people 's motives.8.You pretend to be even-tempered. You feel it gives you a moral and intellectual advantage. You are always looking for an advantage.9. You don V see anything beyond your own modest contentment. We all live on the ocean swell of your well-being. Everything else is trivial and distracting, or monumental and distracting, and only an unsporting wife or child would lodge a protest against your teensy-weensy happiness.10. You think being a husband and father is a form of Hitlerism and you shrink from it. Authority makes you uneasy, doesn't it? You draw back from anything that resembles an official capacity.11. You don't allow yourself the full pleasure of things.12. You keep studying your son for clues to your own nature. 13. You admire your wife too much and talk about it too much. Admiration is your public stance, a form of self-protection if I read it correctly.14. Gratified by your own feelings of jealousy, 15. Politically neuter.16.Eager to believe the worst.17.You will defer to others, you will be acutely sensitive to the feelings of strangers, but you will contrive to misunderstand your family. We make you wonder if you are the outsider in this group.18.You have trouble sleeping, an attempt to gain my sympathy, 19. You sneeze in books.20.You have an eye for your friends'wives. Your wife's friends. Somewhat speculative, somewhat detached.21.You go to extremes to keep your small mean feelings hidden. Only in arguments do they appear. Completing your revenge. Hiding it even from yourself at times. Not willing to be seen taking your small mean everyday revenge on me, which, granted, I have sometimes abundantly earned. Pretending your revenge is a misinterpretation on my part, a misunderstanding, some kind of accident.22.You contain your love. You feel it but don't like to show it. When you do show it, it's the result of some long drawn-out decision-making process, isn 't it, you bastard.23.Nurser of small hurts.24.Whiskey sipper.25.Under achiever.26.Reluctant adulterer.27.American.Читать дальше