Ben Elton - Blast From The Past

He was right there, it had been an illness.

“I thought I saw you a thousand times. It was pathetic. There I’d be, screaming abuse at these people, and all the time I was hoping they were you so that I could tell you I loved you.”

“Jesus, Polly, nobody takes three years to get over being dumped.”

“It took me a lot longer than that, not that I’d have admitted it at the time. I believed in what we were doing. That camp was my home. But always, at the back of my mind, especially when there were new faces, new Americans on the other side of the wire, I’d think to myself, Maybe this time he’s come back? Surely not everything he said was lies.”

“You were so young, Polly. I thought you’d forget me in a week.”

“I think young people are the most vulnerable in love. They haven’t learnt their lessons yet. You certainly taught me mine.”

“I’m sorry,” said Jack quietly.

“Is that why you’ve come back? To say sorry?”

“Sure, if it will help, if that’s what you want to hear.”

The old wound was aching badly for them both.

“I don’t want-” Suddenly Polly was shouting. She stopped herself. Even in this highly charged emotional moment she knew she must not forget the milkman. She dropped her voice to a harsh whisper. “I don’t want to hear anything! I don’t want anything from you. I was asleep an hour ago. Why have you come back, Jack?”

Again the question he did not want to answer.

“Well… why not? Like you said, we never officially split up, technically you’re still my girlfriend…” Jack laughed rather woodenly. “You always used to say that you weren’t into conventional relationships.”

“A relationship with a sixteen-year pause in it is not unconventional, it’s over.”

“I thought you’d be pleased to see me.”

Why he thought that she could not imagine. Except that she was pleased to see him. Despite everything, she was very pleased. Looking at Jack it struck her that he looked tired, almost careworn.

“Are you hungry?” she asked. “Do you want something to eat?”

“Not really, no,” Jack replied.

“That’s good, because I don’t have any food. Well, I do have food, sort of, just not real food. Frozen meals, serves two. That sort of thing.”

“Serves two?” Jack’s interest picked up.

“No. I told you there isn’t anybody.”

Jack looked hard at Polly, and for some reason she felt that some sort of explanation was required.

“They say ‘serves two’, but they mean one, in fact not even quite one, really. You have to pad them out with toast and chocolate biscuits. They put ‘serves two’ on it so you don’t feel so pathetic when you buy them in the shop… So you can pretend you’re not alone.”

It sounded so sad. Polly admitting that she was alone. Not positively and self-sufficiently alone, but alone because she had no one with whom to share her life. Lonely alone. The revelation hung heavily in the air between them. Polly smiled reassuringly and tried to make light of it.

“It fools the shopkeeper every time you buy one. Frozen meal for two, madam? Oh, yes, certainly. I’ll be sharing this with my enormous, passionate and deeply sensitive lover. We always like to share eight and a half square inches of microwaved lasagne after an all-night shagging session.”

“How the hell does a beautiful woman like you come to be on her own?” Jack was genuinely surprised.

“Men are nervous of single women in their thirties. They think she’s either got a child already, or that halfway through the second date she’s going to glance at her biological clock and say, ‘My God, is that the time? Quick, fertilize me before it’s too late.’”

“You don’t have to be alone. You’re just being lazy. Not making any effort.”

Who did he think he was? Her mother? He’d be telling her she had lovely hair and a super personality next.

“Not making any effort! What do you suggest I do? Stand naked on the pavement with my tongue hanging out and a large sign saying ‘Get it here’? I go to pubs, parties. I even joined a dating agency.”

Polly said this last defiantly. It had taken her a lot of courage to join a dating agency. It was another of those things that only a short while ago she would never in a million years have imagined happening to her. She knew what Jack would think. The same thing that everybody thought. How sad. How surprising. How pathetic. Never thought she would be so desperate. For months after Polly had approached “Millennium Match” she had kept the fact as a dark and shameful secret, never telling a soul. Then one day she had decided to come out. Come out as a lonely person. A lonely person who was trying to do something about it. Since then Polly had made a point of telling people at the first chance she got.

In shops. “Two kilos of carrots, please, a grapefruit, oh, and by the way, I’ve joined a dating agency.”

At work. “Right, so before we address the issue of gender discrimination in nursery teaching, is everybody aware that I’ve joined a dating agency?”

The idea had been that Polly would overcome her embarrassment and shame by confronting it head on. That her proud honesty would educate people to see her decision for what it was, a legitimate effort to cope with the social challenges of an increasingly fragmented society. It hadn’t worked yet, but she was persevering.

“A dating agency,” said Jack in the same tone her mother had used. “That’s insane. You’re a babe.”

“You don’t have to have three heads, garlic between your teeth and a season ticket to Riverdance to be lonely, Jack. All you need is to be alone. To have met all the people that your circumstances are likely to bring you into contact with and not be in a relationship with any of them.”

Polly knew that she wasn’t unattractive, she wasn’t socially inept; she was just alone. And, to her surprise, the men the agency had introduced her to were much the same. Just alone, like her. The problem was that this fact hung over every new meeting like a cloud of slightly noxious gas. Polly would sit there toying with her food thinking, not bad looking, good manners… but he’s alone. Why is he alone? Finding herself unable to dismiss the unworthy suspicion that, unlike herself, this man was not merely an innocent victim of fickle fate but somebody who was alone for a reason.

Of course, Polly was sufficiently realistic to know that the object of her doubt was almost certainly thinking the same thing about her. Even the lonely stigmatized the lonely. The very people who knew best that you do not need to be a psychopath or a gargoyle to be lonely were the most wary of other lonely people. Like outcasts everywhere, they learned to despise their own kind.

“Polly,” said Jack. “It’s insane that you went to an agency. The world is full of eager single guys your age.”

“I’m the same age now that you were when we were together, Jack. You think about that. When you were an eager single guy of my age you weren’t seeking out lonely insecure women of your age, you were seducing a seventeen-year-old girl.”

Well, she had him there, smoking gun and all, no doubt about that. He drained his glass and poured himself another large one.

“Jesus, Jack, I hope you’re not driving.”

He was, but he was going to risk it. Jack’s courage and resolve were deserting him. The revelation that Polly was so lonely had been a shock. For years he had thought that he was the lonely one. He had always imagined Polly settled and happy in some gloriously perfect relationship. Living with a university lecturer, perhaps, or a Labour MP. Of course, his spy had revealed that she lived alone, but not that she was lonely.