Robert Rankin - Web Site Story

They came tumbling down the stairways, swinging at each other, and poured into the reception area.

Big Bob leapt onto the receptionist's desk, kicking at those who came within range. 'Take that, thou demon spawn,' cried he. 'Thou servants of the Beast. Take that and take that and taketh that.'

'Do you, go mango Mute Corp series 5000, take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife, will you love her and cherish her, forsaking all others and keep her only unto you as long as you both shall…' The Reverend Jim paused. 'I've had a bit of trouble with this word,' he said. 'Shall we say, co-exist?'

'Shall we call the whole thing off?' said Kelly.

'Pardon me?' said the Reverend.

Kelly smiled. 'I know everything I need to know,' she said. 'And I have you. …' she flung down her bouquet and pointed at go mango. 'I have you exactly where I want you. A sheep away from the rest of the flock. Separated from the rest of the system. Vulnerable to attack.'

'What?' said the simulated Derek. 'This isn't fair. This isn't how the game is to be played.'

'It's just wedding nerves,' said the Reverend Jim, laughing merrily. 'Happens all the time, brides having second thoughts at the altar. She's just hungry, I'll give her the Mars bar.'

‘I’ll take the Mars bar,' said Kelly, and leaping up she struck the Reverend Jim. Twice with both feet in the air. Once in the big fat belly and once on the big fat chin. The Reverend Jim went down like a punctured balloon.

'And you're next,' said Kelly, making fists at go mango. 'You are finished. I am going to destroy you.'

The simulated face of Derek smiled. 'I think you're running a bit low on energy,' it said. 'I don't think you're up to it.'

Kelly spun around on the raised toes of her left foot. Her right leg described that blurry arc that always spelt doom to anyone who had it coming in their direction. Her right foot struck simulated Derek's head a terrible terrible blow.

But go mango didn't fall. He straightened up his dented head and laughed. 'You'll have to do better than that,' he laughed. 'You are going to bear our child, whether you like it or not.'

‘I do like that,' said Old Pete. 'See the way they're all falling over each other as they run out of the building. That do make me laugh. That really do.'

'Does it look about the last of them?' Old Vic asked. 'Because I'd really like to get on with the blowing up.'

The martial Brentonians cheered. I'm-the-daddy-now said, 'Let's kick ass.'

'Your sweet ass is mine,' said go mango. 'You're too weak to resist me. I suggest that we cut straight to the chase, as it were, get your kit off.'

'Never.' Kelly swung her fists and lashed out with her feet. But she really didn't have the strength. go mango was built of sturdy stuff.

'This is the stuff,' said Old Vic, as he and Old Pete and the martial Brentonians piled their cases of explosives into the Mute Corp reception area. 'You put one wire in here and another wire in there and the other end in the explosive. Or is it the other way round?'

'You choose,' said Old Pete. 'After all, you were a pow. But let's get on at a hurry up, before the emergency services arrive. When they start fighting over who's in charge, they might pull the wire out by mistake.'

'Gotcha,' said Old Vic.

'I have you,' said go mango, grasping Kelly's arms and drawing them around behind her back. 'You are mine now and we will make beautiful babies together.'

'No!' Kelly screamed. But go mango had both her hands held fast in one of his. With the other he tore away her dress, revealing her beauty to none but himself.

'Delicious,' he said. 'I'm all programmed up to enjoy this. I know it won't be real enjoyment. Just a simulation, but it will get the job done. Oh yes indeed.'

go mango forced Kelly to the floor and forced himself upon her. The golden woman struggled and twisted and kicked and screamed and screamed.

'You're mine,' said go mango. 'You are mine.'

'Leave the woman alone, thou foul and filthy fiend.'

go mango turned his head.

Big Bob removed his ski mask. 'Thou lookest like a man I've seen before,' said he. 'But thou art not a man, my eyes behold you in your true form. Thou art the Evil One, himself

'You,' said go mango. 'Player three. I wondered what happened to you.'

'I went off-line,' said Big Bob. 'I have conquered thy demons. My head is my own once more.'

'Yes, well, I'll get back to you later. I'm rather busy here.'

'I am your nemesis,' said Bob the Big, taking a big step forward. 'I have suffered thy torments and now I avenge myself upon you.'

'Oh dear,' said go mango. 'I can see that I'm going to have to deal with you rather roughly. Stay here my dear,' he said to Kelly. 'My little dear. Stay right where you are and I will be back in but a moment.'

'I thinkest not,' said Big Bob, squaring up and making fists. 'Here it endeth for thee. Kelly, mnl Flee the building, they're going to blow it up.'

Kelly leapt to her feet.

'Blow it up?' said go mango. 'Blow me up? Blow us up?'

'Bang!' said Big Bob. 'So shall it come to pass.'

'No,' said go mango. 'no. get out of my way.' And he lunged at Big Bob, knocking him from his big feet.

'Run Kelly, run,' shouted Bob the Big. 'I canst deal with this.' And he rose once more to his great big feet and set about go mango.

Now there were titanic struggles and there are titanic struggles. And this was a titanic struggle.

Great and violent was this struggle. Mighty fists brought into play and dirty tricks aplenty. Big Bob hammered and beat and bashed, swearing huge and terrible oaths, pulling out tufts of synthetic hair and bruising synthetic skin. go mango fought like a thing possessed. Possessed it seemed by every hero of every platform beat-'em-up. And so the battle raged, pews were torn from the floor and used to belabour opponents. The lectern, the altar, the lot.

Kelly, screaming, clutching her head, fled from the terrible sight.

She ran out of the chapel and into a corridor, from there to another and another and then down stairs and down more stairs and down and down.

'It's all coming down,' said Old Vic, putting a wire into this and a wire into that.

The siren had stopped shrieking now, but the sounds of approaching bells came to Vic's old ears.

'It's the emergency services,' he told Old Pete. 'They're on their way. Come on, let's get this done.'

The two old rogues rolled out the wire. Martial Brentonians were hurrying back to their charabanc.

'We're making a statement here,' said Old Vic. 'We're saying, don't mess with Brentonians. The world will remember us for this. The world will thank us.'

'Undoubtedly,' said Old Pete. Til get the engine running. You set ofFthe charges.'

'Yes, sir, captain.' Old Vic saluted, nearly putting his good eye out with the wire.

In the chapel battle raged. Big Bob was bruised and bloodied, but in no mood to accept anything other than victory. Everything had led him here to this. His entire life. He'd never known that he actually had a purpose. Who among us ever does? But Big Bob knew now. He must destroy the Evil thing. This tormentor of his soul and his flesh. He must grind it into oblivion. Wipe it from the face of the Earth.

'Wipe-out time,' said Old Vic, connecting up his wires and raising up one of those little plunger jobbies on the detonation box.

'Hold hard,' called Old Pete from the driver's window of the charabanc. 'There's a woman coming out of the building. Stone me, she's got hardly any clothes on.'

'Tell me when she's clear,' shouted Old Vic. 'Say when it's OK.'

'Pardon?' said Old Pete. 'I really must get this thing fixed. It's only started playing up today. It's one of the old Mute Corp 3000 series. Stupid thing.' Old Pete gave the earpiece a clout -with his fist. Sounds of ringing bells came ringing to his ear. 'That's better,' he said.