Robert Rankin - Web Site Story

Dr Druid reached down and tore the sheet away.

All of Big Bob was coming and going, all the way down to his fractured left big toe.

'That left big toe looks wonky,' Pearson Clarke observed. 'There's a fracture there or my name's not… Oh crikey!'

And there was Big Bob Charker.

Gone.

Just gone.

Dr Druid stared and gasped and then he turned around. The beds of the other two patients stood empty. They had just gone too.

Out of a tiny transparent dot of nothing whatever at all, things rushed back to Big Bob at a speed beyond that of travelling light. A speed that well and truly was the speed of travelling thought.

Big Bob did blinkings of the eyes and clickings of the shoulder parts. 'Ow,' and 'ouch,' quoth he. 'My nose, my bits and bobs, my poor left big toe. I am sorely wounded, wherefore-art hath this thing happened? And for that matter, where the Hell am I?'

Big Bob now did focusing and situational-taking stocks. 'I'm in hospital,' he said to himself. 'I'm in a hospital bed,' and then he saw intern Pearson Clarke and Dr Druid and a nurse with a very nice bosom. 'Why look you upon me in this startled fashion?' asked Big Bob. 'Thou seem to have the wind up. No don't turn away.'

But Dr Druid and Pearson Clarke and the nurse, who Big Bob now noticed also had a very nice bottom, had turned away, and were staring at two empty beds.

Big Bob followed the direction of their starings.

'Oh hello Periwig,' he said. 'Thou art here too. And the lady who wore the straw hat, hello.' And Big Bob waggled his fingers.

Periwig Tombs stared back at him. The lady said, 'Where am I?' And, 'Where is my hat?'

'We're in hospital,' said Big Bob. 'Weren't we on the tour bus a minute ago?'

Periwig shook his large and bandaged head. 'I am perplexed,' said he. 'What happened to us, doctor?'

'They're gone,' croaked Dr Druid. 'They vanished. You saw them vanish, didn't you?' Dr Druid shook Pearson Clarke by the lapels. 'You did see it. Swear to me you saw it.'

'I did see it. Yes I did. Stop shaking me about.'

'Doctor?' said Periwig. 'Doctor?'

'Gone.' Dr Druid buried his face in his hands.

'Oh yeah,' said Periwig. 'I get it. Very amusing. They're winding us up, Bob. Pretending they can't see us.'

Big Bob watched Dr Druid clinging to the nurse. He was blubbering now and he really seemed sincere.

'Periwig,' said Big Bob. 'I don't think they can see us. Are we dreaming this, or what? What is going on?'

'Some kind of stupid joke,' said Periwig. 'Can you walk, Big Bob?'

'My left big toe really hurts, but yes I think I can.'

'Then let's get out of here.'

'game on,' came a very large voice from nowhere and everywhere both at the very same time.

Big Bob Charker and Periwig Tombs and the lady, lacking the straw hat, covered their ears. Dr Druid and Pearson Clarke and the beautiful nurse blubbered and boggled on oblivious.

'Who said that?' asked Big Bob, staring all around and about. And gingerly uncovering his ears.

'you each have three lives,' the very large voice said. 'if you choose to play. if you choose not to play, you will be instantly downloaded.'

'I'm not bloody playing anything,' said Periwig Tombs. 'In fact I…'

And then he was gone.

Just gone.

'Periwig?' Big Bob's eyes came a-starting from-his sockets. 'Periwig, where have you gone?'

'player one has been downloaded for data reaction. player two, do you "wish to play?'

'Is that me?' Big Bob was trembling.

'no you're player three. player two, lady with the unpronounceable name.'

'Me?' said the lady. 'I'm a little confused at the present. Why can't the doctor see us and who am I talking to?'

'Oh,' said Big Bob. 'I understand.'

'Do you?' asked the lady.

'I do,' said Big Bob. 'I'm sorry to have to break this to thee. But thou art dead and me also. Surely this is the voice of God.'

'ha ha ha ha ha,' went the voice, from everywhere and nowhere all at the very same time.

'Oh my goodness me,' said the lady. 'And me hatless and all. Did I get struck by lightning? It was such a joyous sunny day.'

The large voice went 'ha ha ha' once again.

'I fear that this is not the voice of God,' said Bob the Big. 'In fact, I fear it is the other.'

'player number two. do you wish to play or not? counting down. ten seconds. nine. eight. seven.'

'Tell me what to do,' the lady implored of Big Bob. 'Say you'll play,' answered Bob. 'Say it rather quickly.'

‘I’ll…'

'zero,' said the large and terrible voice. For terrible indeed it was, there was just no getting away from it.

'No,' cried Big Bob. 'Please have mercy.'

But the hatless lady simply vanished.

She was gone.

'player three…"

'I'll play. I'll play. I'll play,' cried Bob. 'Doctor please help me, please, can't you hear me?'

But Dr Druid was leaving the ward, the glamorous nurse's arm about his shoulder. Pearson Clarke was leaving too, he was trying to look very brave, but he •wasn't making much of a job of it.

'Come back.' Bob struggled up from his bed and hopped about on his good right foot.

'player three.'

'Yes I'm listening, I'm listening. What do you want me to do?'

'the game is called go mango,' said the large and terrible voice. 'there are three levels based on the three ages of man. ascend through the levels and find the treasure. find the treasure and you win the game.'

'Treasure?' said Big Bob, trying to remember whom it was he knew, whose brother was a pirate. 'Buried treasure?'

'you have three lives. you gain energy from the golden stones. in order to access weapons, you will have to crack the codes.'

'Weapons?' Big Bob hopped about. 'Please, I really don't understand. Am I dead? Am I in limbo? Why speakest thou of weapons?'

'game on,' said the large and terrible voice.

'No, wait, ouch my toe.'

'game on…'

'… no hold it.' It was a second voice that spoke. As large and terrible as the first, but ever so slightly different.

'game on,' said the first voice once more.

'no hold it. that's not fair. he can't run on one foot.'

'he can hop.'

'hopping isn't fair. give him both his feet to run on.'

'Art thou God?' asked Big Bob.

'all right,' said the first large and terrible voice. 'both feet. he won't make it past the first level anyway.'

'Level?' said Big Bob and then he went, 'Aaaaagh!'

Because his left big toe stretched out from his foot like an elasticated sausage and then sprang back with a ghastly twanging sound. 'Ouch!' and 'oh,' and 'aaah,' went Big Bob. 'Ah, my toe is better.'

'happy?' said the first voice.

'Not really,' said Big Bob.

'not you!' said the first voice.

'happy,' said the second voice. 'game on then, i'll kick your arse this time.'

'you wish,' said the first voice. 'and go mango.'

Big Bob now felt a kind of shivery juddery feeling creeping up and all over. He stared down at himself and was more than a little surprised to discover that he was no longer wearing the embarrassing tie-up-the-back gown thing that doctors in hospitals insist that you wear in order to make you feel even more foolish and vulnerable than you're already feeling. Big Bob was now wearing a tight-fitting one-piece synthavinylpolilycraspandexathene superhero-type suit with a big number three on the front. It actually made him look rather splendid, what with his great big chest and shoulders and all. On his feet were golden boots, and they looked rather splendid too.

Very Arnold Schwarzenegger. Very Running Man perhaps?

'Very nice indeed,' said Bob the Big. 'Although somewhat immodest about the groin regions. But how dost…'

'run you sucker,' said the second voice. And Big Bob suddenly felt like running. He felt very fit indeed.