Robert Rankin - Web Site Story

'Hello,' said the voice of Derek. 'Fancy seeing you here.'

'Thank God you've arrived,' said Kelly.

'Oh,' said Derek. 'Is it something important?'

‘I’ll say it is. Take a look at this.'

Derek looked. 'You're pointing to your stomach,' he said.

'I am,' said Kelly. 'It's empty and you're just in time to buy me lunch. They've got a special up on the blackboard. A surf and turf. I'll have that and I'll have a glass of red wine too.'

Derek smiled somewhat thinly and took himself off to the bar counter.

'Barman,' he was heard to call. 'Barman, excuse me please.'

Somewhat later, Kelly pushed away her empty plate and dabbed at her Cupid's bow with an oversized red gingham napkin. 'That hit the spot,' she said, smiling. Derek had just watched her licking clean the plate. 'You certainly enjoy your food,' said he, in "what is known as a 'guarded fashion'.

'I have two stomachs,' said Kelly. 'My dinner stomach and my pudding stomach. My pudding stomach's still empty.'

'I really couldn't face another wait at the bar,' said Derek. 'That old boy nearly had me insulting the barman again. It was a close-run thing.'

'I'll just have a Mars bar later then. How are your investigations going?'

'What investigations?' Derek asked.

'Into the missing patients.'

'I told you I was dropping that. And that sample I took from the bed in the ward turned out to be KY jelly. If it turns out that Dr Druid's butchered the patients, I'll cover the trial. I'm doing an article on the floral clock today.'

'You don't think that the bus crash and the vanishing patients might merit a bit more column space?'

'Mr Shields is dealing with that himself.' Derek now whispered. 'A little bird told me that the police raided his office last night. They confiscated all that computer equipment.'

Kelly teased at her golden hair. 'Why would the police raid his office?'

'I've no idea. But that's a news story in itself. But somehow I don't think he'll let me write it up. What are you doing today? What are all these computer printouts?'

'Just research. What do you know about Mute Corp Keynes?'

‘It's a dump,' said Derek. 'An urban wasteland. Crime City UK. I've got an aunty who lives there. She doesn't dare venture out at night without wearing full body armour. It's the only town in England where you can put up a sign on your house that says intruders will be met by armed response and do it legally. It's a police no-go zone. It's…'

'Not a very nice place, by the sound of it.'

'I wouldn't know,' said Derek. 'I've never been there.'

'Your aunty's going to get a real surprise when you turn up outside her door this afternoon then.'

'What?' said Derek.

They actually had a border post with barbed-wire fences and all. A guard with a clipboard waved down Derek's car. His car was a Ford Fiesta. It was a collector's piece.

'Wind down your window sir and don't make any sudden moves,' said the border guard, displaying an impressive array of armaments.

Derek wound his window down in a slow and easy manner.

'Anything to declare?' asked the border guard. He was a very big border guard, he bulged out of his uniform. 'Have you anything to declare?'

Derek knew better than to offer an Oscar Wilde. 'Nothing to declare,' he said. 'We're just visiting my aunty.'

The border guard looked in at Derek. 'You're not a very big man, are you?' he said.

'I'm big enough,' said Derek.

'I'll put you down as one-way visitors,' said the border guard. 'It will save me the paperwork later.'

‘I’ll only be an hour,' said Derek.

'Oh I see,' said the border guard. 'Well please excuse me, sir. I had no idea that you were a superhero. It's always hard to tell.'

'I'm a newspaper reporter,' said Derek.

'Aha,' said the border guard. 'Mild-mannered reporter for the Daily Planet. Welcome to Mute Corp Keynes, Mr Kent.'

'Can I just go through now, please?'

The border guard leaned in at the car window. 'Listen,' said he. 'I'm being serious now. This isn't a good place to be. People go missing here. Lots of people. If you go missing we have no jurisdiction to come in searching for you.'

'Damn this,' said Derek. 'Things are really that bad here, then, are they?'

'They're worse,' said the border guard. 'They keep it out of the papers because it looks bad for the Government. Mr Doveston wouldn't look quite so good if the public knew about this place. It's like a black hole of crime. I'm not messing with you. Turn back now. Take the young lady far away from here. They're animals in there, there's no telling what they'd do to her. Well actually there is.'

'We're going back,' said Derek.

'We're not,' said Kelly.

'Don't be absurd. I'm not taking you in there.'

Tm not afraid.'

'Well I hate to admit it, but I am.'

'Then I'll go in alone.'

'Why?' asked Derek. 'You don't even know my aunty.'

'This is nothing to do with your aunty, Derek. This is something big. And if there is one little ounce of manhood inside you, you'll come in with me. I'll go in alone, if you don't.'

'It's your funeral,' said the border guard. 'If they ever find your body, that is.'

'Back,' said Derek.

'Forward,' said Kelly.

Forward apparently had it.

Derek drove slowly through the deserted streets.

'I can't believe this place,' he said. 'I mean this is South London. I know South London can be a bit rough, but this is over the top. Look at it, burnt-out shops, burnt-out cars, the only buildings standing are barred up like fortresses. This can't be real. It can't be.'

'There is something very very wrong about this place,' said Kelly.

'Yes, I can see that plainly enough.'

'But can you feel it?'

'I feel very very afraid. I really need the toilet, but I think I'll wait until I get home. If I get home at all.'

'Pull up here,' said Kelly.

'Here? Why here?'

'Because there's a stinger strung out across the road ahead, under all that debris. You don't really want to drive over it.'

'Oh God,' said Derek. 'I never noticed.'

'You -weren't intended to.'

'Let's turn around and get out of this asylum. Before some sniper picks us off or we drive into a minefield.'

'Where does your aunty live?' Kelly asked.

'I really can't imagine that she's living any more.'

'Well, just in case. Where does she live?'

Derek checked his London A-Z and noticed for the first time the slim red line that ran around the not-so-new town known as Mute Corp Keynes. 'Second on the left, just past the burnt-out church.'

'Next to the burnt-out pub?'

'No past that. Opposite the burnt-out Citizens Advice Bureau.'

'You'd better drive on the pavement to avoid the stinger.'

Derek drove on the pavement.

His aunty's house was number twenty-two. The bungalow with the gun turret on the roof. The moat, the razor wire and the sign that warned of killer canines on the loose at night. Unlike the yard of the Brentford Tour Company, this was no idle warning.

Kelly observed the martial premises. 'Your aunty seems to have adapted well to the changing of the times,' said she.

'She was always pretty tough,' said Derek. 'She was in the SAS, only woman to ever make it to major. There's a lot of military in my family. I think I've always been a bit of a disappointment to them.'

'I really can't imagine why,' said Kelly Anna Sirjan.

There was a bell push on the iron gate that led into the moated compound. The sign above said knock down ginger on this bell and know the joy a bullet brings.

'Perhaps you'd care to ring,' said Derek.

'We are being laser-scanned,' said Kelly. 'I've a securiscan meter in my shoulder bag, I can feel it vibrating.'

'What?' went Derek.