Robert Rankin - The Brentford Chainstore Massacre

And pushing and shoving in a bumbling line, Jim followed John, Ms Penn followed Jim and the Professor followed all of them and thrust them through the door.

Along a corridor which had no power at all, and out into the car park.

“Sit down, stay still and take deep breaths.” Professor Slocombe forced them to the tarmac, where they sat giggling foolishly.

Binding, the scrofulous attendant, issued from his sentry box. “They can’t sit there,” he complained. “They don’t have official permits.”

“Bring water quickly,” commanded the Professor.

“I can’t go giving out water to any old Tom, Dick and Hari Krishna, it’s more than my job’s worth.”

Professor Slocombe fixed the car park attendant with a certain stare.

“I’ll bring three cups,” said Binding, hurrying off at the double. “And a glass for your good self.”

Jim Pooley was struggling to his feet. “I will fight for the woman I love,” he shouted. “Bring on your best guitarist.”

Professor Slocombe looked both ways, then felled Jim with a nifty uppercut. “I’m sorry about that,” he said. “But you’ll thank me for it later.”

“Thank you,” said Jim, somewhat later. “But what exactly happened?”

“Someone drugged us, didn’t they?” Omally held his head.

Professor Slocombe nodded his. “I had Binding drive us here in the mayor’s low-rider. A charming fellow, Binding, when you get to know him.”

Pooley sat once more in the Professor’s fireside chair. Celia Penn lay unconscious upon the chaise longue. “Is she going to be all right?” Jim asked.

“She’ll be better sleeping it off” Professor Slocombe placed a hand upon the young woman’s forehead. “She’s running a bit of a temperature. I’ll have Gammon fetch an ice-pack.” He returned to his desk and rang his little bell.

“Who did this to us?” Jim rubbed his face. “And who punched me? My chin’s bruised too now.”

Professor Slocombe decanted sherry and passed a glass to Jim. “I wondered how it was that I remained unaffected. I suspect it must have been due to these.” He pointed to his leather gloves upon the desk. “I always wear them, as you know. The skin of my hands is sensitive to sunlight.”

“So we touched something?” Jim sniffed at his fingertips.

“I have scrubbed your hands. But that I think must have been it. I placed my gloves beneath the microscope and lo and behold.”

“Lo and behold what exactly?”

“A rather lethal cocktail of mescaline, peyote and amphetamines.”

“What about the councillors? The lady in the straw hat and everyone?”

“I called an ambulance, and they’ve been dealt with. No fatalities.”

“But how?”

“How was it done? Remarkably simple. The drug was mixed with furniture polish in an aerosol can and sprayed onto the council table.”

John Omally shook his aching head. “But why?” he asked.

“I would have thought that was obvious. To sabotage Brentford’s plans to hold the millennial celebrations two years early.”

“But who?” asked Jim.

“Whoever was responsible for the pulping of Mr Compton-Cummings’s book. Ms Penn will tell us more, I trust, when she awakens.”

“But how?” asked Jim.

“We did ‘But how?’, Jim.”

“No, I mean how did they act so fast? To prepare this drug and spray it on the table just before we got there. They don’t mess around, this lot, do they?”

“Binding informed me that an unmarked van entered the car park an hour before we arrived. Two ‘cleaners’ in grey suits. He couldn’t describe them, said they looked totally anonymous.”

“But fish?” asked Jim.

“Pardon me?” said the Professor.

“Nothing,” said Jim. “I don’t think the drug’s quite worn off yet.”

“Hang about,” said John. “The lady in the straw hat never touched the council table.”

“The lady in the straw hat is barking mad anyway,” said Jim.

“Oh, right. But if I can ask one more question, Professor. How did these would-be assassins know that we’d all be at the council meeting this morning?”

“I doubt that they did. They were just being thorough. There would have to have been a council meeting to discuss matters sooner or later. They were simply putting themselves ahead of the game, as it were.”

“Well, they’re messing with the wrong lads here,” said Omally, flexing his shoulders. “This is Brentford and we have right on our side. Let them try it again and see what happens.”

Gammon knocked and entered with an ice-pack on a tray. “I’m sorry to trouble you, sir,” said he. “But I think you’d better take a look outside. The military gentlemen of yesterday have returned and this time they are erecting what seem to be barricades and border posts.”

“People of Brentford,” came the voice through the electric loudhailer. It was a military voice. Educated. Authoritative. “People of Brentford, return to your homes, go about your businesses.”

“Boo!” went the people of Brentford. “Boo and hiss!”

“These barricades and crossing points have been erected for your own welfare, to protect you from an influx of undesirables.”

Beyond the barricades, undesirables in the shape of news crews buffed up their lenses and went “one two” into their microphones.

In Professor Slocombe’s study the ancient scholar bolted his French windows. “They will certainly come for the scrolls,” he said. “You must take them to a place of safety.”

“He means you, John,” said Jim.

“I mean both of you,” said Professor Slocombe.

Jim’s hands began to tremble as they always did prior to a flap.

“Easy, Jim,” said John. “Where shall we take them, Professor?”

“To Buckingham Palace, perhaps. Or Ten Downing Street.”

“There’s a priest hole at the Flying Swan,” said Jim. “We could take them there.”

“Perhaps the British Museum,” said Professor Slocombe, “or the Bank of England.”

“I rather like the sound of the priest hole,” said John.

“Or perhaps they should be taken directly to Rome and delivered to my friend the Pope.”

“The priest hole has it then,” said Jim.

“My good friends,” said the Professor, “without the scrolls we have nothing. They must be authenticated by a panel of experts. And a panel that has not been compromised. I must confess that sending you both on a pilgrimage to Rome does have a certain charm. The possibilities for picaresque adventures are endless. But I doubt whether either one of you even possesses a passport.”

“I had one once,” said Jim. “But I lost it on my travels.”

“You’ve never been on any travels.” John Omally laughed. “You get airsick travelling on the top deck of a bus.”

“I never do.”

“You do. And you get a nosebleed.”

“It’s the altitude. And I have travelled. I’ve been to Margate.”

“Gentlemen, please. Take the scrolls to a place of your own choosing. I hate to say protect them with your lives…”

“Then don’t,” said Jim.

“But we will,” said John. “But what of you, Professor, and Ms Penn? They will come here looking for the scrolls, and will not treat you kindly.”

“I am well aware of that. I will make my own arrangements and contact you at the earliest opportunity.”

“Hold on,” said Jim.

“What is it, Jim?”

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK, came a knocking at Professor Slocombe’s front door.

“It’s that,” said Jim. “I’m beginning to develop a sixth sense when it comes to that.”

“Out of the kitchen door then and away.”

“You’re sure you’ll be all right?” asked John.