Andrew Davidson - The Gargoyle

When I did, she slipped over my head a thin strand of leather, with a hanging coin as its pendant. “The proper name for that is an ‘angel.’ They were issued in England in the sixteenth century. Please allow me to make a gift of it to you.”

On one side of the coin was the image of someone killing a dragon; Marianne Engel explained its history. “It’s the Archangel Michael, from Revelation. ‘And there was war in Heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon… And the great dragon was cast out.’”

“Thank you,” I said.

“When the time comes, you’ll know what to do with that coin.”

Such comments from Marianne Engel, nonsensical at worst and cryptic at best, were so common that I had stopped asking what they meant. Trying to get her to explain herself in these matters usually brought our conversations to a halt and, ultimately, she never really explained anyway.

Marianne Engel informed me that she’d not be able to return until after the New Year because she had a basement full of neglected grotesques. As she headed towards the door, she patted the briefcase containing the two hundred grand. “Don’t forget, you’re coming to live with me.”

DO YOU THINK SHE WILL EMPTY YOUR CATHETER’S DRAINAGE BAG?

I concentrated on the emptiness of the room. I would not allow my serpentine tormentor to succeed in her efforts.

I WONDER IF SHE WILL BRING HOME MEN WITH PENISES?

The most useful function of my old drug habit was the ability to write off entire days. I longed for the whiteout that cocaine and booze could always provide.

WOMEN HAVE NEEDS WHICH YOU CANNOT FULFILL.

Dr. Edwards entered, wearing a bright red sweater for the holidays. I’d never seen her in anything other than her lab coat. “I hear the party was a good time.”

I was pleased to see Nan, because her appearance meant the snake would disappear for a while. The snake liked to confront me when we were alone. “It’s too bad you weren’t there.”

She checked my medical chart. “Maybe next year.”

“Did you have anything to do with it?” I asked. “I mean, there must have been a lot of forms to fill out. Legal documents, disclaimers, that sort of thing.”

“The hospital did have to consider its position,” Nan admitted, “and demand legal indemnity on a lot of issues. What if someone got food poisoning?”

“I can’t imagine Marianne navigated the paperwork by herself.”

“I acted as a liaison between her and the board,” Nan said, “but only because I thought it would be good for all the patients. Not just you.”

“Thank you. I know you don’t like her very much.”

Dr. Edwards’ back straightened, slightly. “I think she is a fine person.”

“It’s only as a caregiver that you have doubts.”

“It doesn’t matter much what I think.”

“Of course it does,” I said. “I like your sweater. Are you going out?”

She looked down as if she had forgotten that she was wearing it, but it was bad pantomime. “I’d prefer to keep my personal life personal.”

“Fair enough,” I said. “Why did you become a doctor?”

“That’s a personal question.”

“No,” I corrected, “it’s about your profession.”

She tilted her head to one side. “For the same reason anyone does, I guess. To help people.”

“And I thought some doctors did it for the money,” I said. “Why the burn ward? There are easier places to work.”

“I like it here.”

“Why?”

“When people leave here, there’s a…” Nan paused, thinking about the best choice of words. “When I was a resident, they taught me to consider everyone who came here to be already dead. It’s a trick, you know, because so many burn patients die in the first few days. But if you consider the patient to be dead when he arrives, and then he manages to somehow make it…”

“It’s a way to think you only save people and never lose them,” I said. “Does it work?”

“Sometimes I hate it here.”

“Me, too.” I wanted to reach out to take her hand, but I knew better. So instead I said, “I think you’re an excellent doctor.”

“I’m selfish. I just want that feeling I get every time a patient walks out of here.” She looked up from her feet and back into my eyes. “Did anyone ever tell you that your heart stopped twice during your emergency surgeries?”

“No. I guess it’s safe to assume it started again.”

“They don’t always.”

“I am going to live with Marianne.”

“I just don’t want you to make a mistake after you’ve come this far.”

“If I don’t go to her, I have no idea why you saved my life.”

Nan thought about this statement, taking a few moments before speaking again. “I can’t save anyone’s life. The very best I can do is help a few not die before their time, and I can’t even do that very often.”

“Well,” I said, “I’m still here.”

“Yes, you are.” She reached down and took my hand in hers, but only for a moment. She then turned to leave the room but at the door spun around and added, almost impulsively, “I’m meeting my ex-husband for a glass of brandy. That’s why I’m wearing the sweater.”

“I didn’t know you’d been married.”

“I was, and I’m not now.” She fidgeted with the door handle, turning it a couple of times. “My husband is a good person but we were a bad match. It happens.”

After New Year’s, Marianne Engel stepped up her participation in my physical therapy sessions. I was being trained in the arts of brushing my teeth, buttoning shirts, and using utensils, practicing these ADLs-activities of daily living-for the time that I would be released. Each time I used my good hand to manage these tasks, Sayuri rebuked me. While it would be easier in the short term, she argued, it would give my damaged hand license to wither. Even such simple activities were “exercise.”

I was scheduled for a tutorial on bathing, one more thing that I would have to learn all over again, and I had a great deal of discomfort with the idea of Marianne Engel’s attendance at this lesson. Though she had been helping with most aspects of my rehabilitation, she had not yet been present when my bandages were fully removed. She knew that my penis was gone; she simply had not not seen it yet. When I moved into her house, she would be the one to help me bathe, and obviously that would be impossible with my clothing on. Still, I was not ready for her to witness this specific lack in my physique.

A compromise was reached. Even though Sayuri thought it would be best if Marianne Engel were involved in the practice from the start, we would do the first few baths without her, while I was given more time to adjust to the idea.

Gregor was ecstatic about his evening with Akira Kurosawa and Sayuri Mizumoto.

He regaled me with stories about what they had bought at the concession stand (popcorn + licorice twists); how Sayuri did not like licorice (apparently a cultural thing, as most Japanese people think it tastes like bad Chinese medicine); how their fingers had accidentally touched while they were reaching for popcorn at the same time; how they held hands after the popcorn was gone; how all he could think about was the buttery residue on his fingers; how he was praying she didn’t think the butter grease was sweat; how he wiped his fingers on his pants so as not to offend her with his greasy hands; how for the remainder of the evening there were four greasy finger streaks on his pants; how he was certain that she would find the streaks a disgusting indication of his poor hygiene; and so forth. It was all very cute. Gregor told me everything except the name of the movie, which I suppose was the least important aspect of the event.