Трумен Капоте - Answered Prayers

"She said: 'Yes. I'd like to have a different kind of liqueur with my coffee. Something I've never heard of. Any suggestions?'

"So I described Verveine; I thought of it because it is the identical green of her eyes. It's made out of a million-odd mountain herbs; I've never found it anywhere outside France and damn few places here. Delicious; but with a kick like bad moonshine. So we had a couple of Verveines, and Kate said: 'Yes, indeed. That certainly is different. And yes, to answer you seriously, I am beginning to be… well, not bored , but tempted : afraid, but tempted. When you've been in pain for a long time, when you wake up every morning with a rising sense of hysteria, then boredom is what you want, marathon sleeps, a silence in yourself. Everybody wanted me to go to a hospital; and I would have done anything to please Harry's mother, but I knew I could never live again, be tempted , until I'd tried to do it unaided by anyone but myself.'

"Suddenly I said: 'Are you a good skier?' And she said: 'I might have been. But Harry was always dragging me to this horrible place in Canada. Gray Rocks. Thirty below zero. He loved it because everybody was so ugly. Aces, this drink is a marvelous discovery. I feel a decided thawing in my veins.'

"Then I said: 'How would you like to spend Christmas with me in St. Moritz?' And she wanted to know: 'Is that a platonic invitation?' I crossed my heart. 'We'll stay at the Palace. On floors as far apart as you like.' She laughed and said: 'The answer is yes. But only if you'll buy me another Verveine.'

"That was six years ago—Lord, all the blood that's flowed under the bridge since then. But that first Christmas in St. Moritz! Really, the young Mrs. McCloud from Middleburg, Virginia, was one of the most important things that had happened in Switzerland since Hannibal crossed the Alps.

"In any event, she was a fabulous skier—as good as Doris Brynner or Eugénie Niarchos or Marella Agnelli: Kate and Eugénie and Marella became Bobbsey triplets. They used to helicopter up to the Corviglia Club every morning and have lunch and ski down in the afternoon. People loved her. The Greeks. The Persians. The Krauts. The Spaghettis. At every dinner party, the Shah invariably asked to have her at his table. And it wasn't just men—women, even the great rival young beauties like Fiona Thyssen and Dolores Guinness reacted warmly, I think because Kate's attitude was so carefully correct: she never flirted, and when she went to parties she went with me and left with me. A few idiots thought it was a romance, but the cleverer ones said, and rightly so, that a swan of Kate's feather would never bother with a backgammon bum like Aces Nelson.

"And anyway, I didn't aspire to be her lover. But a friend; a brother, perhaps. We used to go for snowy walks in the white forests around St. Moritz. She often talked about the McClouds and how good they'd been to her and to her sisters, the homely Mooney girls. But she avoided Harry's name, and when she did speak of him the references were casual, though bitter-tinted—until one afternoon, as we were strolling around the frozen lake beneath the palace, a passing sled horse slipped on the ice and fell and broke its front legs.

"Kate screamed. A scream you could have heard the length of the valley. She started to run, and ran straight into another sled that was rounding the corner. She wasn't physically wounded, but she went into a hysterical coma-she was virtually unconscious until we got her to the hotel. Mr. Badrutt had a doctor waiting. The doctor gave her an injection that seemed to start her heart again, refocus her eyes. He wanted to order a nurse, but I said no, I would stay with her. So we put her to bed, and he gave her another piqûre , one that totally erased all trace of terror; and it was then I realized that swimming below the soigné surface, there had always been a fearful, drowning child.

"I lowered the lights, and she said please don't leave me, and I said I'm not leaving, I'm going to sit here, and she said no, I want you to lie down here beside me on the bed, so I did, and we held hands and she said: 'I'm sorry. It was because of the horse. The one that fell on the ice. I'd always wanted a palomino, and Mrs. McCloud gave me one on my birthday two years ago, a mare—such a great hunter, so brave-hearted; we had such fun together. Naturally, Harry hated her; it was all part of his crazy-man jealousy, the way he'd felt toward me since we were children. Once, the summer after we were married, he tore up a flower garden I'd planted; at first he said it was a fox, but then he admitted he had done it: he said the garden took up too much of my attention. And that was why he didn't want me to have a baby; his mother was always bringing up the subject, and one Sunday at dinner, right in front of the whole family, he shouted at her: "Do you want a black grandchild? Or don't you people know about Kate? She fucks niggers. She goes out in the fields and lies down and fucks niggers." He went to law school at Washington and Lee and flunked out because he couldn't concentrate unless he had me under surveillance; he opened and read all my letters even before I had a chance to see them; he monitored all my telephone calls: you could always hear him slightly breathing at the other end of the line. We'd long since stopped being invited to parties; we couldn't even go to the country club—drunk or sober, Harry was ready to throw a punch, usually at some man who had asked me to dance more than once. The worst of it—he was convinced that I was having an affair with his father and with his brother, Wynn.

A hundred nights he shook me and woke me up, holding a knife at my throat-and he'd say: "Don't lie to me, you slut, you whore, on nigger-fucker. Admit it, or I'll cut your throat from ear to ear. I'll slice your head off. Tell the truth. Wynn's a real stud, the best you've ever had, and Dad, too, he's a great stallion." We'd lie like that for hours, Aces—that cold knife at my throat. Mrs. McCloud, everybody, knew about it; but Mrs. McCloud would cry and beg me not to leave, she was so sure Harry would kill himself if I did. Then the thing happened about my palomino, Nanny. Even Mrs. McCloud had to open her eyes to the real extent of Harry's insanity-this insane jealousy. Because what Harry did was, he went down to the stable and he broke all of Nanny's legs with a crowbar. Even Mrs. McCloud saw it was useless, that Harry would kill me sooner or later; she chartered a plane and we flew out to Sun Valley, where she stayed with me the whole while it took to get an Idaho divorce. A wonderful woman; I called her Christmas Day, and she was happy I was in St. Moritz and going out and seeing people: she wanted to know if I'd met any interesting men. As if I'd ever marry again!'

"But you know," said Aces, "she did marry. And less than a month later."

Yes: I was remembering a mass of magazine covers at Paris kiosks: Der Stern, Paris Match, Elle . "Of course. She married…?"

"Axel Jaeger. The richest man in Germany."

"And she has since divorced Herr Jaeger?"

"Not exactly. That's one of the reasons I wanted you to meet her. She's in considerable danger. She needs protection. She also needs a masseur who can travel with her permanently. Someone educated. Presentable."

"I'm not educated."

He shrugged and glanced at his watch. "May I ring her now and say we're on our way up?"

I should have listened to Mutt; she whined, as if warning me. Instead, I let myself be led off to meet Kate McCloud. Kate, for whom I would lie, steal, commit crimes that could have, and still could, put me in prison for life.

A weather change; showers—an enlivening spray dispelling Manhattan's heat-wave stench. Not that anything could ever get rid of the jockstrap and Lysol aromas here at my beloved Y. M. C. A. I slept till noon, then called The Self Service to cancel a six P. M. booking they had made for me with some john staying at the Yale Club. But the sun-kissed bitch, the golden Butch, said: "Are you gaga? This is a C-note gig. A Benjy Franklin with no problems." When I still demurred ("Honest, Butch, I've got a blue-balls headache"), he put Miss Self herself on the phone, and she gave me a real Buchenwald, Ilse Koch castigation ("Ali, so? You want to work? You don't want? Dilettantes we don't need!").