Jean Kwok: Girl in Translation

Matt grinned and said, “Thanks, ah-Ho. Hey, ah-Gong, don’t break any plates now.”

Our waiter glanced at me, recognizing that I wasn’t Vivian, but was too polite to say anything. Our bowls of wonton soup were large and filled with homemade noodles and tender pastry wrapped around meat.

I used my spoon to skim off a few scallions floating on top and poured them into my mouth. “It has been so long since I’ve had this.”

“They’re the best in Chinatown,” Matt said.

“Do you come here a lot?” I couldn’t stop myself from picturing him here with Vivian every night.

“No, I almost never get to eat here. I know these guys because I used to wash dishes here, in the back.”

“When was that?”

“A while ago, just to earn a few extra cents when I wasn’t at the factory.”

“Why didn’t you stand by tables?”

“I still looked too young. And then I got the Italian delivery job.”

I caught sight of my reflection in the gold-flecked mirror behind him. I was glowing with happiness. I couldn’t believe I was sitting with Matt, hearing about his life, and that he belonged to me. I looked down at his hand resting on the tabletop: a square hand with reddened knuckles, a workman’s hand, the most special thing I’d ever seen. I took it in both of mine and laid it against my cheek.

He closed his eyes for a moment. “Sometimes, I was out with… not with you, and I’d suddenly see your face in front of me or remember something you’d said. But I thought you didn’t like me in that way. You were so distant and you went to that fancy private school. I knew you were going places, you weren’t just a dumb factory kid like me.”

“Is that why you picked Vivian over me?”

“I didn’t know you were a choice or I would have picked you for sure. Viv, she really depended on me. I couldn’t imagine you needing anyone.”

My heart contracted. I forced myself to say the words. “I need you too.”

His eyes, shadowed from all his recent grief, lit up. “Really?”

“When I’m with you, I could drink water and I’d be full. So why did you finally come to me?”

“When we kissed in the bathroom at the factory, it gave me hope for the first time. But then you just ignored me again and I couldn’t figure it out. I told myself it’d been a one-time thing, that your heart was somewhere else. But when…” He paused, not wanting to say the words about his mother’s death. “… I didn’t care if you liked me or not anymore. I feel terrible about it but I didn’t care about Vivian either. I just had to see you.”

“You told me your climbing couldn’t reach my heights.”

He stared at his soup. “It’s true. I can’t compare to you.”

“I took that to mean you didn’t want to be with me, that you wanted to stay with Vivian instead.”

“You thought it was an excuse?”

“Yes.”

“I just needed more time to figure it out. When I’m with you, I can’t think, especially after I’ve been kissing you. But I did feel guilty about Vivian too. I don’t want to be like my pa. And you are too good for me.”

I couldn’t bear it any longer. “I’ve just been accepted to Yeah-loo.”

He took a sharp breath. “Wow. Really? Congratulations.” He looked genuinely happy for me, but confused as well. “What does this mean? Are you going to move out of New York?”

The words came out in a rush. “If you want, you and Park can come with me. It may take me some time, but someday I’ll take you away from all of this.”

He was quiet, looking at me. “How about if I don’t want to be rescued?”

I leaned on one elbow and stared at him. “You want to live out the rest of your life in Chinatown?”

“Why not? I like it here-great food, low rent…”

“Great roaches…”

“Ugh. But look, you don’t need money to love someone, and you don’t need success to have kids and make a life together. Isn’t that what counts?”

“I’m only eighteen! How can I even think about having kids now?”

“You’d be a great mother.”

“I’d be a great surgeon.”

“Okay.” He sat back. “That too. But see, that’s what I mean. Like now, I’m wondering when you’re going to leave me for bigger and better things.”

“Never,” I said, and I leaned across the table, pulled him toward me and kissed him.

His golden eyes were warm again. “I’d go anywhere with you, Kimberly. But I want to be the one taking care of you.”

The weeks that followed formed the happiest period of my life. Within a few days, Mrs. Avery had arranged for us to move into the new apartment by the beginning of the next month, May. Ma went to the jewelry factory in Chinatown that Matt had told us about years before, and came home with a large sack of beads and wires and tools. We were paid very little for the work, but until the end of the school year, we had the extra hours I worked at the library to supplement our income. I knew, though, that it would be difficult to live on this jewelry-making alone.

“Thank goodness we’re moving,” Ma said. “Our hands would get much too cold to be able to do this kind of handwork in the winter.”

“As soon as I graduate, I’ll be free to work much more for us, Ma,” I said. I could type very quickly by then and I thought I would be able to get some office work at least.

“You just worry about your studies. Now that we don’t have those debts to Aunt Paula anymore, we’ll manage.”

The college admissions news created quite a stir at Harrison. I was a part of the blessed circle of kids who’d gotten into the best schools. Dr. Copeland congratulated me in the hallway when she passed me. Other kids turned to look when I walked by. Annette had been accepted to Wesleyan and Curt was going to RISD.

“I’ll be in Connecticut too!” Annette said, nearly choking me with her arms around my neck. “We’ll be able to see each other all the time!”

After Curt had seen Matt at Harrison, I’d only had to tell him I couldn’t meet him that week for tutoring.

“I told you I understood,” he said, avoiding my gaze. His clothes were disheveled and his eyes were shadowed. We didn’t meet again after that.

Matt fit into every aspect of my life. Some Sundays, he came over and helped us finish our new jewelry work. It was funny to see such a large man bent over feminine jewelry, especially with his clumsy hands. He still did his best and Ma appreciated his help. Whenever Matt and I could, we snuck away to his apartment, where we could have some privacy. It was hard to imagine how he, Park and his ma had lived in such a small space. The studio apartment was so tiny that they had to put their mattresses and bedding in the closet every day so they had enough room to eat and walk around. Matt and I were so frantic for each other we could hardly wait to get the mattresses out of the closet before we started touching each other.

Matt quit his job at the factory and soon started working for a moving company. He always liked jobs that got him into even better shape than he was already in. The money was good and he knew exactly what he’d be earning each month.

“You didn’t have to leave the factory for me,” I said.

“I’ve wanted to go for a long time anyway. I only stayed so I could help my ma sometimes and to keep an eye on Park.”

Park withdrew almost completely into himself after his mother’s death. He became so regressive, I feared for our ability ever to reach him again. He started peeing in his pants like a baby. He didn’t react at all to anything, not to speech, not to gestures. Matt practically had to feed him to get him to eat and Park became alarmingly thin. He stayed alone in their apartment or with their elderly neighbor who had always taken care of him when Matt and his ma needed to be somewhere else. Sometimes Park hung around the garage of the moving company where Matt worked.