Daniel Rose - Larry's Kidney, Being the True Story of How I Found Myself in China

“This must be eating up your airtime, Dan. I apologize. No, I’ll do better. Send me the bill, you know I’m good for it-in fact, let me buy you a coupla new cell phones, those new ones that work at any attitude? I don’t want to put you out any more than I have to.”

“You’re not putting me out, exactly, Larry, it’s just-”

“We go there, we grab a kidney, we come back. Couldn’t be simpler. Only one glitch, Dan, which honesty bids me report, because I want to start a new slate with you and be on the up-and-up about everything: They’ve made it somewhat illegal.”

“They’ve made what somewhat illegal?”

“Certain select transplants.”

“What are you talking about?” I say. “You’re telling me-”

“Not for everyone! Most of the world can still come to China for transplants, exactly like I said. Everything I told you is correct down to the last letter of the law. It’s just that the Chinese have made it illegal for certain select persons to get a transplant there.”

“Which persons?”

“Western persons.”

The chairlift creaks and moans as a second Milky Way is passed around.

“But, Larry…”

“Yes, Dan…”

“We’re Western persons.”

“Dan, we’re smart Western persons. In the most populous country on earth, don’t you think we’re intelligent enough to find some people with loopholes? And I don’t know about you, but loopholes are my bread and butter.”

“But-”

“Don’t always focus on the negative, Dan. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. And word to the wise: Just because you’ve got seniority over me by two years, don’t lord it over me, okay? We’re both in our fifties-big deal. The important thing is to not get off on the wrong foot and shoot the messenger. If it’s one thing I’ve learned in almost nine years of off-and-on therapy, mostly off, it’s that when you get bad news, you respond appropriately. Don’t take it out on me, is all I’m saying. It’s not my fault China has these crazy restrictions.”

“Guys,” I say, now that the sugar’s kicked in and they’re helping the wind make us rock, “if you keep that up, we’re gonna flip right upside-”

“I commiserate with your cold feet, Dan, but I doubt it will be like last time you were there, when you got yourself thrown in jail-”

“Don’t even bring that up, Larry.”

“I’m just saying, anyone would be cowardly after that, but it was only three hours-a harrowing three hours, I know, but you’re more mature now, you won’t be tempted to clown around…”

Pause while the chairlift restarts with a jolt. My wife lunges to seize both boys in the nick-

“Of course, maybe you’ve got more pressing concerns,” Larry says. “I realize you’re in a different league from me. I’m just a lowly worker bee and you don’t necessarily want to get your hands dirty-”

“That’s not it, Larry. Jeez, what a thing to say. I’m really sorry to hear about your condition, but I’m just not prepared to drop everything and-”

“How’s life with the heiress, by the way?”

“That was a couple of wives ago,” I remind him. “She wised up a long time-”

“Well, anyhow, in my humble way I’m just trying to make a clean chest right from the start,” Larry says, “everything out on the table, no hidden agendas.”

“Which reminds me,” I say, “are there any hidden agendas?”

“None I can think of off the top of my head. Except that I’m [-SQUAWK-]-”

“What?”

“I’m getting [-SQUIZAWK-]”

The boys break out of their mom’s body lock to start straddling the rail. “Guys, I’m serious now, someone’s gonna break their neck if you keep-”

“[-SQUAWK-SQUEAK-SQUIZAWKING-]”

“Listen, Larry, this is a terrible connection. You’re feeling merry? What?”

“[-SQUAWK-SQUEEEEEEE-ZAWK-]”

“Whatever, Larry. This is all too sudden. I’d have to run it by my wife, and I gotta warn you, she can be hell on wheels-”

I dodge the playful squirt from my wife’s water bottle. “What, Larry? Someone was harassing me.”

“I said, do what you have to do, Dan, the last thing I want is to pressure you, even though this is a matter of life and death and you do kind of owe me from the time I bailed you out at my bar mitzvah, remember, Dan?” “Uh, not really, Larry, I have to admit your bar mitzvah’s not shining real bright in my mind just at the moment.”

“Well, even more recently, when you graduated college, I set you up renting slum apartments and let you stay in my spare bedroom and even let you steal my Valium, which you said at the time was a lifesaver. Seems like only yesterday, doesn’t it?”

“Actually, no, it seems like a few decades ago. But listen, Larry, this is serious. Can’t you find someone who actually knows what he’s doing?”

“Dan, believe me, I wouldn’t be calling if I had any other options, but it’s not like I have a dime to help defray someone’s expenses. Matter of fact, I keep finding these shady characters in Guam who want ten grand just to track a few unstable connections. There’s very few people you can trust out there, plus most of them work for a living or let’s say have jobs they can’t take with them on a moment’s notice the way a writer can-that’s why I’m handpicking you, Dan. You could think of this as an honor, in a way.”

“Who else do you have left, Larry, after you issued that fatwa against Cousin Burton. How’d you expect the family to react?”

“It wasn’t a fatwa fatwa, exactly. Let’s call it a wake-up call. A rather rude wake-up call, I grant you. But don’t mire us in that again, Dan. I was upset. That’s behind us now.”

“Is it? Is the feud really behind us? I’m glad to hear that. Burton was hiding out in a cheap motel for two weeks.”

“Oh, he’s too high-and-mighty to stay in a cheap motel?” Larry says with some heat. “Just because he’s the biggest brain surgeon in Boston, with his limo and his driver, he can’t hide out in a cheap motel like us little people when we receive a threat?”

“It wasn’t a question of high-and-mighty, Larry,” I say as, mercifully, the chairlift station comes into sight. “He was fearing for his safety!”

“He tried to swindle my mutha, Dan. He made her cry on her deathbed, don’t get me started.”

“That’s still no reason to sic the Motor Men on him, Larry.”

“The Motor Men get a bad rap, Dan. And I’m glad you remember to use their code name, because they don’t like to have their real name dragged through the mud. But some of them are very tender underneath. When I told them about my mutha, a couple had tears in their eyes, they wanted to do the job for free…”

“Larry, can I get back to you on this?” I say. “We’re about to disembark here, and I’ve been promising the kids this vacation for like a year now.”

“Dan, not to be blunt, but it’s almost Labor Day-let’s not play games and pretend the vacation isn’t winding down. You think this is patty-cake we’re playing here? My life’s hanging by a thread, not that I want to intrude.”

“It’s not intruding, exactly, Larry. It’s just, I mean-”

“Take your time, Dan. I’ll work around your schedule, whenever’s good for you. This is you doing me a favor for a change, Dan, it’s not me doing you a favor. So what’s your closest airport? Denver? You’re in luck, there’s a nonstop to Beijing at eight A.M. next Sunday.”

“What, you’ve been Googling the whole time we’ve been talking, Larry?”

“You don’t even have to change planes, Dan.”

“But that gives us no time to plan this thing, Larry!”

“All due respect, Dan, but you suck at planning. You’re a seat-of-the-pants-type guy, as I am. You know as well as I do that ninety percent of the world’s deals get made not because of planning but because you happen to be standing there when the deal goes down. We can plan this to the nth degree, and it won’t be as good as just hopping over there and winging it…”