Tom McCarthy - Remainder

Here the sensation started returning: the same sense of zinging and intensity. My concierge was standing as instructed-standing quite still in the middle of the lobby with her white ice-hockey mask on. Behind her, to her left-my right-there was a cupboard; beside that, another strip of white, neutral space. As I walked around her in a circle, looking at her from all sides, her stumpy arms and featureless face seemed to emanate an almost toxic level of significance. I cocked my head to one side, then the other; I crouched to the ground and looked at her from there. She looked like a statue in a harbour, towering above the granite-or a spire, a reactor, a communications mast. Being this close to her I felt overexposed after a while-so I opened up her cupboard door and stepped inside.

Here were the broom, the mop and bucket and the industrial Hoover, all in the positions that I’d first remembered and then sketched them in. There was another object, too: a strangely shaped machine for cleaning granite floors. It hadn’t come to me initially-but then when I’d found it stored in there one morning it hadn’t seemed wrong, either, so I’d kept it. I stayed in the cupboard for a long time. In here it felt intimate, warm. I felt I’d burrowed to one of the innermost chambers of the vision I had realized all around me. It was a good position: well placed, with good sightlines. The cupboard door was slightly ajar: I looked out through its slit at the concierge standing in the lobby. She was standing with her back turned to me, the mask straps fastened at the back of her head. Her shoulders rose and fell as she breathed. The view I had of her was like a murderer’s view-hidden, looking through a thin slit at her back.

After a while I stepped back out of the cupboard, crossed the strip of neutral space and came back to the bottom of the staircase. I was about to step into the garden when I heard the main door open behind me, the one that led onto the street. I turned round. A small boy had just walked in: he was one of the pianist’s pupils, arriving for a lesson. He walked across the lobby, towards where the concierge was standing-then caught sight of me and hesitated. He must have been ten or eleven years old. On his back he wore a little satchel-one of Annie’s props, that. He had straight, brown hair and freckles. We stood facing one another, me and him, completely still-three people completely still there in the lobby: myself, this small boy and the concierge. He looked frightened. I smiled at him and said:

“Just carry on. It will all be fine.”

At this the small boy started moving again. He walked past me and started up the staircase. I looked at his satchel as he passed me, his scuffed leather shoes. I watched him walk up and away from me, turning and dwindling. He disappeared from view on the second floor and his footsteps stopped. I heard a muffled bell ring; then the piano music stopped too. I heard the pianist’s chair being scraped back, then his footsteps heading for his door. I waited till the boy was safely in before I went out to the courtyard.

This was full of outdoor noises: distant cars and buses, trains and planes, the general subdued roar that air in cities has. Upstairs on the third floor the child started playing scales. These spilled out of the pianist’s window but, not walled in like his own playing had been in the stairwell, dissipated in the summer air. I could see smoke piping from the vent outside the liver lady’s kitchen almost directly above me. I could see my bathroom window sill but not the glass itself: the angle was too sharp. I looked down again. The motorbike enthusiast was three yards to my left. He had stopped banging at his bolt and was now turning it, unscrewing something. On the earth beneath the engine of his bike a patch of oil had formed: it looked kind of like a shadow, but more solid. I stood by his bike for a while, looking at the patch, then said:

“Leave that there when you’ve finished.”

“Leave what?” he asked, looking up at me and slightly squinting.

“Leave that patch,” I said.

“How leave it?” he asked.

“Don’t let it be smudged or covered over. I might want to capture it later.”

“Capture it?” he asked.

“Whatever,” I said. “Just don’t let it get wiped out. Understand?”

“Yes,” he said. “Okay.”

I left him and walked over to the swings. It wasn’t his business to make me explain what I meant by “capture”. It meant whatever I wanted it to mean: I was paying him to do what I said. Prick. I did want to capture it, though: its shape, its shade. These were important, and I didn’t want to lose them. I thought of going back up to my flat to get a piece of paper onto which to transcribe the patch, but decided to do it later, when he wasn’t there. If it rained, though…I sat down on one of the swings and looked up at the sky. It didn’t look like rain: it was blue with the odd billowing cloud. I slid off the swing after a while, pushed it so it continued swinging to and fro and lay on my back beneath it, watching it swing above my head against the sky. The billowing clouds were moving slowly and the swing was moving fast. The blue was still-but two high-up aeroplanes were slicing it into segments with their vapour trails, like Naz and I had done to the city with our pins and threads. Lying on my back, I let my arms slide slightly over the grass away from my sides, turned my palms upwards till the tingling sensation crept through my body again. I lay there for a very long time, tingling, looking at the sky…

Later that evening I was lying in my bath, soaking, gazing at the crack. The pianist’s last pupil had gone, and he’d started composing, playing a phrase then stopping for a long time before playing it again with a new half-phrase tagged onto the end. Liver was crackling and sizzling downstairs. I could smell it. It still wasn’t quite right-still had that slightly acrid edge, like cordite. I brought that up again with Naz when we spoke after my bath.

“We’ll try to get that right,” he told me. “Apart from that, though, how did you think it went?”

“It went…well, it went…” I started. I didn’t know what to tell him.

“Was it a success, in your opinion?” he asked.

Had it been a success? Difficult question. Some things had worked, and some things hadn’t. My shirt had slightly caught against the cutting board, but then the fridge had opened perfectly. The liver lady had come up with that fantastic line but then dropped her rubbish bag when she’d tried to re-enact her movements for a third time. Then there was the question of the smell, of course. But had it been a success? A success at what? Had I expected all my movements to be seamless and perfect instantly? Of course not. Had I expected the detour through understanding that I’d had to take in order to do anything for the last year-for my whole life-to be bypassed straight away: just cut off, a redundant nerve, an isolated oxbow lake that would evaporate? No: that would take work-a lot of work. But today my movements had been different. Felt different. My mind too, my whole consciousness. Different, better. It was…

“It was a beginning,” I told Naz.

“A beginning?” he repeated.

“Yes,” I said. “A very good beginning.”

That night, I dreamt that I and all my staff-Naz, Annie, Frank, the liver lady and the pianist and the motorbike enthusiast and concierge and piano pupil, plus all Naz’s, Frank’s and Annie’s people, the coordinators lurking behind doors, the spotters in the facing building and their back-up people too-I dreamt that all of us had linked ourselves together: physically, arm in arm and standing on each other’s shoulders like a troupe of circus acrobats. We’d linked ourselves together in this way in the formation of an aeroplane. It was an early, primitive plane: a biplane, of the type an early aviator might have used for a record-setting transatlantic flight.